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Sex & Intimacy / 1 hour ago Back To Top

Disclaimer:- It's a joke.

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma.

She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door.

Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.

"I'm not sure," said the husband, "but I think she choked!"

- Asked by oldman52, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Sydney, Retired
Sex & Intimacy / 1 hour ago Back To Top

Two guys are drinking at a bar.

The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two pickets to Titsburgh'."

The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH.'"

- Asked by oldman52, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Sydney, Retired
Sex & Intimacy / 1 hour ago Back To Top

Do you think he is ashamed?

I got involved with someone and he later told me about his girlfriend in a different country. Anyway it was not a serious 'relationship'. Basically we 'hooked up' maybe 3-4 times. After that I told him I couldn't probably continue with it. I noticed he was online in the group where we met in the beginning. Now it's been a very long time and he has practically disappeared from the group. I am still active in the group. He logs in once a month but I don't know why. He has stopped RSVPing to events. I stopped doing so prior to this.
Just wondering if he could be embarrassed.
I noticed he logs in but I don't think it has anything to do with me anymore.
The reason I bring this up, this is how we had met.
It really is less hard for me now to not be in denial anymore...I am starting to learn how not to attribute his actions with anything to do with me. It's hard but I am getting there or at least trying to (because a part of me still thinks he thinks of me).

- Asked by Female, 36-45
Sex & Intimacy / 2 hours ago Back To Top

Would you hang with a guy who claim he just got into a relationship with a girl?

Ive been talking to this dude for a couple of weeks and our conversations were us being single and what we looking for in a relationship and other general topics. The lst week from us talking,i was suppose to meet him on a weekend but i was too busy and didn't have time. The second week we fell off from talking because we both didnt contact each other. The third week he contacted me and we got back to talking and he asked to take me out that weekend. When that weekend came, i txed him asking if he was still up for hanging and he replied yes. A hour later, he tells me that he just got into a relationship and he just want to take me out as a friend. So i replied saying i understand. So i hanged with him and we had a couple of drinks and chill outside. Later during that day, he said he would of got a hotel if we both were drunk so he wouldn't have to drive me all the way home. So im like a hotel? And he said just on some friendly not anything sexual. I txted him the next day saying if he was involved with someone he could of told me from day one. So he replied saying he was single while talking to me and during that week of us not talking he met someone and now their in a relationship. Right now we txt everyday and he wants to hang with me again but im guessing i have no chance with him and what he has going on doesn't add up right to me. What do you guys think?

- Asked by A Career Woman, Female, 22-25, Chicago, Food Service
Sex & Intimacy / 2 hours ago Back To Top

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your Swans season ticket.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.

HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card bill!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

- Asked by oldman52, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Sydney, Retired
Sex & Intimacy / 2 hours ago Back To Top

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clockcare. And YOU will now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg . . . He's dead. Show me what you bought."

- Asked by oldman52, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Sydney, Retired
Sex & Intimacy / 2 hours ago Back To Top

Please. Can I get classier more intelligent responses?

- POP'd by Female, Who Cares?

Looking for the guys perspective..

I have a guy friend (early thirties) that lets me touch him and do anything I want short of being sexual. If I touch his arms he will flex his biceps, if I hug him he embraces me etc.

So I am wondering if this is an indication he is interested in me more than a friend if he would let me do this?

- Asked by Female, Who Cares?
Sex & Intimacy / 2 hours ago Back To Top

Dating a widower. He wants me to call my vagina same name late wife called hers! Why? What to do?

we recently started having sex and he wants me to call my vagina what his late wife called hers. (She was Scottish, and called it a Fudh). I feel like he wants to pretend I'm her. What should I do?

- Asked by Female, 46-55
Sex & Intimacy / 3 hours ago Back To Top

My stepfather made me promise to tell one of my half-brothers that he isn't his, what should I do?

My stepfather made me promise to tell one of my half-brothers that he is not his biological son. He told me to do this as soon as he passed away. My mother is still alive and she doesn't know that my stepfather wanted me to do this, but she does know that I know that this son of hers was a result of her screwing around on my stepfather.
She has manipulated a large divide between all of my half-brothers and myself with lies.
My stepfather told me to tell him to take a dna test and compare his (this half-brother) to the other 2 to prove it. He does look totally different to the other two and I know this is probably true, but should I tell him now after my stepfather has passed away and this half-brother has moved in with our mother to take care of her? Or should I just let sleeping dogs lie?
I know it would be karma for my mother and her manipulative bullshit, but do you think I should think more of my half-brother and his feelings and not tell him? Or should I go ahead and throw my mother under the bus and let all the half-brothers hear the truth?
Thanks to you answerologists, in advance.

- Asked by Female, 36-45
Sex & Intimacy / 3 hours ago Back To Top

Puns for the educated..

*How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.*

*Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!*

*A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.*

*I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.*

*Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.*

*England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .*

*I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.*

*They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.*

*I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.*

*Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.*

*I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any

*I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on

*This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
met herbivore.*

*When chemists die, apparently they barium.*

*I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.*

*I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.*

*I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.*

*Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?*

*When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.*

*Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.*

*What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.*

*I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.*

*All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of
now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.*

*I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.

**Velcro - what a rip
off !*

- Asked by oldman52, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Sydney, Retired