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Recommendation Leader: riverboat

Family & Parenting

NEW YORK STATE WIL BE BANNING ALL GUNS / Race, Religion & Politics / 6:05 PM - Tuesday January 15, 2013 Back To Top

Furher Obama is taking more and more of our rights while congress stands by watching. He has control of the news media. Executive orders have given him unstoppable power. Soon every state will have a massive roundup of all guns. Why are we stanhding around letting this happen? Without a way of defending ourselves nothing will stop this evil empire.

- Asked by A Couch Potato, Male, 56-65, Detroit, Self-Employed

Rejected by her bio father... / Family & Parenting / 7:04 PM - Wednesday February 16, 2011 Back To Top

My 28 year old daughter sent her biological father a letter to make contact with him. She received a letter back from him which stated that he did not which to have anything to do with her and for her to have a nice life. She was crushed by this. She seem to think that his wife sent this letter. And she do not want to let it go. I told her to let it go, because if he did send it instead of his wife she need to respect his wishes. I do not know what else to do if anything. It scares me because she seems determined to try to reach out again no matter what. I just wish he was man enough just to called her and tell her what he wrote in the letter.
I think she would have accepted that. The only thing
I suggested to her was that maybe she should see a counselor to sort this all out.

- Asked by Female, 56-65

I think this is a terrible thing to do to a child. Agree? / Sex & Intimacy / 2:27 AM - Thursday August 13, 2009 Back To Top

This is the situation of the man my niece is dating.

He was 23 at the time and set up on a date with a 19 yr old who had just discovered she was pregnant by an ex-boyfriend. He supposedly fell in love with her, and when her baby was born he put his name on the birth certificate with full knowledge that this baby was not his bio child. He married her eight months after the baby was born, and that marriage lasted one year before he realized he'd made a mistake and filed for divorce.

To make a long story short, he had his name removed from this little boy's birth certificate, admitting that he had signed the birth certificate fraudulently and knowing full well the child was not his. He had a good lawyer apparently, and his parental rights were successfully terminated, against the wishes of the mother, and he was not ordered to pay any child support.

While I understand that he was young and "made a mistake" marrying, I feel like that was a shitty thing to do to this little boy that he pretty much abandoned when he decided he no longer loved his mother. He knew this child was not his, yet by putting his name on the birth certificate he essentially adopted him as his own. He was not tricked or deceived in any way, he went into this with his eyes wide open.

Am I wrong in thinking that since he initially agreed to be this boy's father by signing his birth certificate that he should still be required to pay child support?

Beyond the money/support issue, I just think this guy is a**hole of the century for turning his back on the son he chose to adopt, but just as quickly chose to abandon. He made a commitment to raise that boy as his own son, and I feel like any morally decent man would and should honor that commitment. I have no respect for a man who would do this. The fact that he knowingly agreed to sign on the birth certificate makes this boy HIS child, NOT a stepchild and at the very least he should help support him financially. The decent thing would be for him to be the father to this little boy that he'd promised he would be ten years ago, but he's obviously too much of a shit bag to man up and do the right thing.

I also fear for my niece. She and this man are seeing each other exclusively and discussing marriage. I view the actions of this man to be a major character flaw, and I'm worried for any future children they may end up having together.

- Asked by Male, Who Cares?

I'm 27 and my geriatric boyfriend wears a diaper. / Dating / 2:07 AM - Saturday August 01, 2009 Back To Top

Ok, it's Depends. I'm disgusted by even the mere thought of this, but here goes...I'm somewhat of a self-professed "gold-digger" as much as I despise the term. However, 3 months ago I met this 60 year old man with tremendous success and actually a pretty dynamic personality. I never intended to get involved with him, but he was a "young" 60 year old, who flew me and my friends places and was a great host for lots of crazy parties. It actually ended up being kind of fun...until I discovered the diaper. One night when I was sleeping I happened to wake up and catch him in the lit-up bathroom, taking a "Depends" out of a massive box. Ever since, I've just been absolutely sick to my stomach. SO gross. He has everything to offer materially, but otherwise, I'm just on the verge of hurling every time I see his face now. What would you do?

- Asked by kasialace51, A Trendsetter, Female, 29-35

You are at fault, yes you! / Jokes, Polls & Anything Else / 9:48 PM - Sunday January 04, 2009 Back To Top

People complain about societal problems but they never look at the most common problem: YOURSELF. It always has to be someone else's fault.

People think they're so perfect. By people I mean all of you. You think you're so perfect. Even when you admit your mistakes, you think you've learned from them and it won't happen again.

On the large scale, you blame other people. You blame the government, you blame greedy corporations, you blame gangs, you blame the cheating boyfriend, you blame the bitch at work...

Look in the f**king mirror because that is where the problem lies! Sorry to burst your happy bubble if you came here to relax and have fun. But if everyone read this post and honestly evaluated themselves, the world would be a better place.

(I do include myself as flawed but at least I recognize it, do you?)

- Asked by A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 46-55, Military
Comment from riverboat, Recommendation Leader:
you must have been left alone by a single parent

A "Q" about Mommy's boys and Daddy's girls. / Family & Parenting / 2:25 PM - Saturday October 27, 2007 Back To Top

Now I know it’s a long rant, but I’d like to hear others opinions on this subject. m/id/21461454/

I recently read an article on MSNBC regarding Momma’s boys and Daddy’s girls and some of the readers responses didn’t sit too well with me. Now the article’s main point was to demonstrate the varying relationships children now have with their parents and how they may favor one parent over the other. And that’s fine. We’ve all lived through that phase where we couldn’t stand to speak to our mother but adored our fathers, or vise versa. What I found disturbing were the comments of some responders. I’ve edited them for length but added the link up top if you wanted to read the full comment.

“I like the fact that sometimes she isn't bothering me. On the flip side of that, it bothers me that she is always bugging him. ... We realize that she just loves her daddy. Not that she does not love me — but she LOVES him.”

“The entire time he was stuck to my hip, all I could think of was having some time without him. When he didn't choose me, all I could think of was what I was doing wrong. Now having been on both side of the fence, I can understand that it was just two of the many different ways to enjoy our son.”

“My wife and I have actually had arguments about this and why our daughter likes me more and not her”

If I’m reading this correctly, these parents are having issues because their child has a stronger bond with their spouse and not them and I have an issue with THAT. If you wanted to be loved by someone/something that looks up to you, get a dog! A child should not be used to fill that emotional void in yourself. Your job as a parent is to provide unconditional love to them and raise them so that they become moral (whichever yours are), productive and successful members of society. You have an obligation to place them ahead of your own selfish needs.

Now I can understand that you may want a stronger relationship with your child, and knowing that they favor your spouse may magnify the relationship, or lack there of, you have with them, but making an issue on who they favor is just wrong. Granted, this is assuming that you spouse is not purposely trying to turn you children against you.

- Asked by osl1, A Player, Male, 29-35, Chicago, Financial / Banking
Comment from riverboat, Recommendation Leader:

When couples clash over class / Dating / 3:11 PM - Wednesday August 15, 2007 Back To Top

When couples clash over class

When lovers from opposite sides of the tracks marry, the endings sometimes aren't so happy.

It's the plotline that has launched a thousand plays and movies: Two crazy kids from opposite sides of the tracks meet, fall in love and, despite the objections of friends and family, run off together and get hitched, determined to make a life together in the protective glow of their love.

There's a reason they call it a fairy tale.

As the child of such a marriage, I'm here to tell you that the glow is no match for culture clashes, money battles and the resentment that comes when a spouse fails to defend his or her partner from judgmental family or friends.

Many couples don't survive the strain, and their marriages end in divorce. Others morph from happy young couples to bitter old marrieds. Some couples navigate this minefield with a minimum of drama and have happy, satisfying unions -- although none can completely avoid the challenges that come from growing up in different worlds.

Fortunately, however, experts say an unhappy ending can be avoided.

Here's how.

Happy mixed-class marriages start even before you say "I do." They start on the day when families and their histories get introduced and are expected to get along. Someone is usually disappointed.

In our house, it was my father's family, who thought my well-to-do mother and her family were horrible snobs (they weren't).

During their 32-year marriage, my dad's family never stopped believing that my mother would bankrupt him with extravagant demands. The facts -- that she never made any such demands, that my siblings and I grew up hearing the word "no" a lot and cutting coupons -- never altered his family's opinion.

And that put a tremendous strain on them both.

Part of the problem: My dad never stood up to defend my mother against his family's sniping.

"A lot of mistakes are made when you don't side with your spouse and instead choose your family over them," says Dr. John W. Jacobs, a couples psychiatrist in New York City and author of "All You Need is Love and Other Lies About Marriage."

"Twenty years later, there's still a fight going on about the level of disappointment the spouse felt for being thrown over."

The only way to successfully combat this kind of pressure, experts say, is to create with your spouse a unified front, a new family unit that gets your foremost allegiance.

That's how Brenda Pizzo and Kevin Tringale have dealt with the issue.

The pair, who married in the 1970s, soon found that Brenda's working-class family clashed with Kevin's family of academics.

"My parents were very threatened by his parents," says Brenda, whose parents never graduated from high school.

"My family didn't feel like they measured up, and Kevin's family never gave them an indication that they felt they did."

Brenda hosted family holidays for both families at her house for several years, but eventually Brenda's sister and mother simply stopped attending (her father had passed away years earlier).

"There's some friction that just can't be repaired," says Brenda.

Instead of caving in and spending their holidays separately with their families, Kevin and Brenda have continued to host a holiday party at their home, and always invite both families -- although nowadays, only the Tringales accept.

It takes real commitment to prevent that kind of family pressure from crushing a marriage. But pressure can come from inside the marriage, too.

Erin Robbins, who "grew up in country clubs," is engaged to Jose Nuno -- a successful insurance company project manager and first-generation American whose working-class family is originally from Mexico. Their disparate families get along famously.

"We all get along great," says Robbins, 25. "We completely intermingle the families."

Still, she and Jose face some friction about money issues. The issues stem from their family histories. Erin and Jose have found that financial habits can be hard to break.

Erin, who has worked since she was 16, says she knew growing up that if she didn't have the money for something very important, her parents would help her out.

"Jose didn't have that fallback," says Erin; as a result, he considers every single purchase very seriously.

"I feel like I have to sell him on every idea with pie charts and graphs to convince him," she laughs. "But every penny is precious to him. For me, it's like 'Let's just do it.'"

She recalls an argument they had after a spendy trip to New York City.

"When he got the bills a month later, he was really angry that we had spent so much money," she recalls. The couple had a huge fight about it and ended up separating briefly as a result.

In therapist-speak, Jose and Erin have competing "money scripts."

The term, coined by Ted and Brad Klontz, psychologists who specialize in counselling couples on money issues, refers to the back stories that create our feelings and relationship with money. And when spouses have different scripts, the resulting clash can dramatically affect the relationship.

One of the most common scripts for couples from very different socioeconomic backgrounds is "the person from the wealthy side feels there will always be enough money," says Brad Klontz, a clinical psychologist who practices in Hawaii.

"The person from the poor side feels there will never be enough money. The wealthier person spends more because he or she believes there's money coming in, and the poorer person will have great anxiety about spending, and desperation about the need to save."

Ted Klontz, Brad's father, practices in Nashville, Tenn., and counsels many famous singers who wound up marrying less-wealthy members of their entourages.

He sees couples with rich/poor scripts married to each other all the time.

The best way to reconcile the two, he says, is to realize that "it's not you two that are arguing. The beliefs you grew up with, and internalized, are competing. We tell them not to judge the other person. It's the different money scripts fighting."

One way to rewrite those scripts is to dig down to their psychological source, and ask if your attitudes toward money are still valid, given your current financial situation.

Rick Kahler, a financial planner in Rapid City, S.D., says that the scripts can often be defanged by facing deep-seated fears.

"It may not cure you, but at least you can gain some more flexibility in your thinking," says Kahler, who co-wrote a book with the Klontzes called "The Financial Wisdom of Ebenezer Scrooge : 5 Principles to Transform Your Relationship with Money."

"The problems come when the play changes, but the script doesn't."

Sure wish somebody had mentioned that to my parents.

- Asked by springbreaker, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Toronto, Self-Employed

Rage / Dating / 4:33 AM - Friday August 10, 2007 Back To Top

I get angry sometimes.. really angry and i dont know what to do about it.. its something that i get from my dads side of the family...recently my bf ( well ex bf now) has been pushing my buttons and i have been getting so mad.. i finally blew my top and its over.. well probably not really over but he's going to be treating me like dirt for a while until he forgives me/ misses me too much to be angry with me( his way of dealing with my anger is to punish me with lack of affection so that i see that it is wrong )which usually makes it worse.. anyways i sometimes hit him( not hard.. no excuse but not enough to do any harm..just kinda letting off steam) recently i've started being more violent and being angered more easily.. i dont like it... i'm feeling miserable and guilty all of the time and its wrecking my life and no matter how hard i seem to try to calm down it just doesnt work .. i have no idea what to do .. have any of you been in this situation were u angry? was ur partner angry? what did u do about it? what should i do ?

- Asked by Female, 29-35

untitled / Married Life / 2:29 AM - Friday August 10, 2007 Back To Top

i am so depressed at times i feel like ending it all i take xanax and sometimes clonapin what should i do i am 63 my husband died 4 years ago and its been like this forever.

- Asked by Female, 66 or older

relationships / Dating / 2:26 AM - Friday August 10, 2007 Back To Top

how do i get over an ex boyfriend?

- Asked by A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Los Angeles, Student

Fighting & Listening in a relationship / Dating / 3:51 PM - Friday August 03, 2007 Back To Top

My girlfriend and I have been having this running dispute over my father for several months. My dad comes at you with a lot of energy and questions, and sometimes you have to draw some serious boundaries with his behavior. You can tell him "knock it off" to his face, and he is okay with that. He actually prefers that. Overall, he is a good guy with a big heart.

My girlfriend does not like my dads in your face kind of ways. I told my girlfriend about what my dad was like before she first met him. Even gave her the Myers Briggs version of what his personality type is. Even maybe went a little overboard in telling he can be a bit obnoxious at times just so maybe when she met him, she would think he is not as bad as I described him. I even try to get him to temper it down when he is around my girlfriend, but I am not in control of everything my dad does or says.

Now, every time we fight, she has to bring my dad into the arguement with line "Your dad....." even when it has nothing to do with what we are arguing about. My girlfriend says I don't run interference enough with my dad when he is around us. And she says I am in denial to what my dad is really like.

I think I did a good job of telling my girlfriend exactly what my dad is like, and she keeps saying it wasn't enough, and that I don't do enough. We only see my dad twice a year for about five days each time.

So, what is the consensus. Have I done enough or not??

- Asked by Male, 36-45
Comment from riverboat, Recommendation Leader: