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A Trendsetter (Female, 46-55) asked:
First allow me to thank those that responded to part 1. First time I ever wrote a post were all feedback was positive. Even by those that don't like me very much in AO because if my Political Stance on some issues.
I felt it necessary to write this time about CHANGING your lover/partner/spouse whatever. This weekend I encountered an old friend. As we sat down for tea and cake at a local spot I was surprised by the fact she had a black eye. I also learned she endured months of physical abuse from her estranged man. A man I warned her about and now as they are divorcing I hold back the I TOLD YOU SO comment.
Spousal abuse is wrong. You know it, I know it no sense repeating it. But she spoke the words I THOUGHT I COULD CHANGE HIM.
Ok ladies let's be real. Can you change a man? Truth is I don't know. I never dated a man. Never even so much as kissed one. But I has heard that comment so many times. And it wasn't just about spousal abuse. I can go down the list but that's a waste of time. Why? Because women are guilty of it too.
First you don't enter a marriage/relationship or whatever thinking you can CHANGE that person. Male and Female alike have to want to change first.
When I met my late wife Candace, she was heterosexual. We were freinds first before anything else. She made a leap of faith of her own choice and we became a couple. And I have thought about that leap of faith. I have asked myself this many times. Had I turned a different corner or she and I not become friends she would still be alive and her son would still have his mom.
Her choice to change her lifestyle to be with me also led to her death. Granted she could of waited a day to go get that Nintendo from Target. But they couldn't hold it in store so the clerk that helped us was putting his own self on the line so she could have the perfect Christmas gift for her son. That Target was within 1/2 mile of her office. I played out so many scenarios in my head but I come back tithe fact she made a choice to be with me which resulted later to lead to a car accident. 8 years in a skilled nursing facility then to die is a long time to suffer.
Still there will be people both men and women that will read this and say I STILL THINK I CAN CHANGE THAT PERSON. No you can't. People change slowly over time but not to the changes you need them to make right away. Like my friend who is now separated, she has kids. Those kids will suffer along the divorce path.
Do you need change for a marriage? Yes you do. But it has to be a choice by that one person. You cannot make that persons choice for you to suit you or because you think you can.
When I was in the Marines, homosexuality was still a punishable offense. I remember this young man that was gay and he had gotten himself into trouble. At the E Club was what they called the barracks Bettie's. Young women that bounce from guy to guy that come back and forth from being stationed there. One girl in particular wanted to get married so bad. She had slept with more than 20 men in a 18 month period and was looking to shed her image. She was still only 18 years old. She hooked up with the gay Marine because he knew if he got married, CID would drop their investigation they were getting ready to start on him. She just wanted to get married. Her words when people warned her: I CAN CHANGE HIM.
They got married and less than a year later she was filing for divorce. She caught him with another man. She set up a video camera in her bedroom and caught him on tape. Turned over the tape to CID and I saw her in my barracks room crying to my roomate. Her words: I THOUGHT I COULD CHANGE HIM.
I felt bad for her. Here she was 19 years old now. A marriage ending for her and her reputation for her number of sexual partners still well known. Her divorce and her reputation followed her. In desperation she enlisted in the US Army just to get away from the marines. As for her ex husband? He was charged, sentenced to the brig and eventually dishonorable discharge.
Yes they both tried to build a marriage on both lies and assumption.
Now I know this post isn't as good as the first. But I hope it speaks to some people. I hope it makes sense to you in a way that you rethink the idea of changing a person. If they are not good enough now as they are for you then why marry them looking to change those things.
You want to love someone? Love them as they are now. Love them as you also love yourself. And if they can't love you for who you are as you are then don't stay with them. You don't want to be a person that someone marries because it was either you or nothing at all. That's like settling for something rather than getting what you really want.
If that person loves you, they will make that leap of faith with you. Why? Because they love you as you are. And when they make that leap of faith love them back because of the chance they are taking on you.
You heard me say it in my last post. No one is promised tommorow.
Eight years my friends. Eight painful years. She suffered. Now I carry the cross now. Even though she isn't in pain anymore and she's in a better place I have to carry that cross and ask myself what if I had turned a different corner?
Update: April 16, 2012.
In regards to passing. Personally I don't care how you take it. There is nothing you can say or do to me that I am not already carrying on my shoulders.
I want to carry this weight, I want to carry this cross and it is my on doing. I was the one that kept her in that skilled nursing facility for 8 years. I was not only hoping for a Miracle but I was also afraid of being alone. It was not until in her final days on this earth did I learn that despite her state she could hear, think, feel. But she could not communicate at all. The thought of that alone burns me to no end. And I was the one that did it. You understand me? I WAS THE ONE!
I could have taken off the assistance and allowed her to pass away years ago. But a different doctor told me she could recover. I believed him so I gave her what I thought was a fighting chance. I never knew she was in pain this entire time. And I hate myself for it.
This is reality girl. And if you can't handle reality from the one that admits she screwed up then you need a wake up call too!
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