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How do you tell if a guy is over his ex?...
4:08 PM - Wednesday September 03, 2003

How do you tell if a guy is over his ex?...

How do you tell if a guy is over his ex? The man I am dating had a bad relationship that ended less than a year ago, and he got really burned. I am wondering what the best way to deal with this situation if he is not fully over her yet? Will he be? How do I judge what kind of position I am in?

- Asked by A Cool Mom, Female, 26-28, St.Louis, Consulting

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I was in a sitation very similiar to yours aso i hope you find my insight helpful. rst off there are several questions that you need to ask yourself.

1) How long were he and his ex together? What was the extent of this relationship? Was it dating/serious bf/gf? Or was it similar to a marriage (living together)?

2) How quickly did you get involved with him after this breakup? Did he had time to grieve to deal with the emotions of this bad break up? This is very important, notice that you said less than a year.

3) How long have you 2 been dating, and does he seem ready to commit?

4) Are YOU alright with all of this?

From my experience people who are fresh out of relationships usual have a lot of mixed emotions after a break up especially a bad one. My first inclination is to say he's not over her. Depending on several aspects of this past relationship he may never be. I'm not calling you a rebound, since I don't know all the details of this situation, but in general I would say that anyone getting involved with anyone fresh out of a serious realtionship is a bad idea. The first thing that you look for after a break up is for someone to make you feel better, if you are providing this to him, then he probably very happy and the immediate need to deal with his brokenheart can be delayed for a little while. Guys sometimes handle their emotions differetnly than girls. we tend to bury deep inside for awhile and try to avoid dealing with it. it appears from what you've said, that it's time to tackle the issue. I understand your need to want to handle this situation delicatly, but unfortunatly the only sure way to find out where you stand with him is to ask him. Don't try to play guessing games. in order for any relationship to work you need to be honest with yourself and with what you want. it sounds liek you 2 did talk about it and he told you that he is not over her yet. Depending on how long you've been dating at this point, I would advise for you to back off a bit and let him get the much needed recovery time he didn't take initially when he should of. Unfortunatly, like with many relationshipos that occure immedialty after a long, serious one that ended badly, you are for the time being, probably just a distraction for him, someone to hang out with and make him feel good. Another good way to judge this is to see how often he spends time alone. if he is in need of constant company, either yours or his friends? Someone who needs constant distraction and activity is someone who is still hurting, trying to avoid dealing with the issues at hand.
Again, I don't know all the details of this situation, so i hope what i have said has been helpful. my overall advise would be for YOU to be ok with what postion you are in and to know exactly where you stand by getting the answers from him.

- Response by An Engaged Guy, Male, 22-25, San Jose, Financial / Banking

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Woman and men are different. And the type of woman and men are different as well. I look back on my past relationships, but I don't stare. There is generally a reason a guy hasn't made it to the present or has the possibility of a future with me when he s selfish, self-centered, dishonest, and when he is unwilling or incapable of testing in God's perfect timing. I used to get upset with guys I had dated because they weren't this, wouldn't do that, etc. now, I accept that that is where they are, and there's nothing I can o to change it. Either the man with whom I am with can out on his big boy pants and get off the porch, r he can't. If e can't, I not waste my time trying to make him. Life s way too short. By trying to get him to see what e obviously s incapable of seeing is not only pointless, but it gives away your power of choice. Do you chose to be in a relationship with a an who s strong enough to be in your life? One who accepts your idiosyncrasies, and loves you anyway? Or o you chose to be with a guy who will someday figure it out? And yet, he may not. It's not about being better or worse than his ex or him, it's bout being confident in who you are. And when you come to this point, it's amazing how God will bring into your life a an who will appreciate you, value, and love you; not one whose still hing up on his ex. It's scary to let go, but it's a lot better than waiting and wondering f the guy with him you're in a relationship is the real deal r just another pretender.

- Response by jussayin, A Thinker, Male, 36-45, Minneapolis

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There is no telling the future, you are going to have to just hang in there and see what happens. I've found that in the case of a divorced woman, they really aren't datable until they've been divorced for a good year. It takes them that long to figure out what they want and to finish greiving for the lost marriage. Good Luck Darlin'

- Response by adalefin, A Player, Male, 46-55, Boston, Executive

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Unfortunately a guy rarely gets "over" an ex that he really liked and was burned in. Women seem to recover a litte better though men hide it. The only way to find out is just to treat him like you normally would. If he is interested in a relationship with you he will go along with that feeling. He may never be the same with women in general (trust wise) if he was emotionally scarred though.


- Response by jayzen, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male

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Usually time is the best healing element. If you want to stick with this guy, play listener and soulmate until he becomes normal.

- Response by sahir, A Career Man, Male, 26-28, London, Therapist

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