Back to Home

Active Questions

I'm a "law school widow!" What should I do?
Rough Spots / 5:24 PM - Friday September 03, 2004

I'm a "law school widow!" What should I do?

I have been dating this guy for about four months. Everything was going really well (he even told me he loves me), but now things have hit a freeze. He is just beginning law school, which is difficult, but he hasn't been as affectionate or loving ever since he started school. Every time I mention this to him, he simply replies that he isn't going to apologize for getting a legal education. I am supportive of his attending school, and he knows this. But, it seems like he has become completely self-absorbed and neglectful ever since he started school. He even has this attitude when we are together. I am considering ending the relationship, but I love him, too. I just want to be treated a little more nicely. Right now, I'm trying to back off, but what should I do?

- Asked by A Creative, Female, 29-35, New York, Artist / Musician / Writer

READ MORE ABOUT THE RATING SYSTEM

I just graduate from Nursing School - and yes I was self absorbed. It's a difficult road and I needed a great deal of support. Do not abandon your boyfriend now, he needs you. You have to be patient and supportive. You can have school breaks together, but for now you will feel like a Law School Widow. Remember it's not forever - many couples have gone through this and Med School and Masters Degrees and Nursing School.

My guy just put up with me living in a book. My daughter missed me too, but they were supportive and helpful and loving. We played hard on Christmas and Spring breaks, but I had to keep my nose to the gringstone in order to do well.

Good luck. Have a talk with your honey, but don't expect things to be the same until he's done - Law School is tough, try being his cheerleader!



- Response by graziella, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Philadelphia, Medical / Dental

Rating Received:


Men often go in spurts, on again, off again. And an understanding woman is one that is willing to wade through the thick times, because she knows the end of the rainbow holds her pot of gold. My Mother once told me that she didn't like my Father for a time. I asked her how long as she said it was nearing 2 years. I thought to myself, WOW, that is dedication! She said he was just being selfish.

Well, in this situation, his mental and physical energy are being sapped, and any added pressure you put on him to be more available to you is not going to be met with a friendly face. If anything, you should be expecting that the time he can spend with you would decrease, and that he would be under added strain. The best you can hope to accomplish is to simply tell him that you fully support him in his schooling, and if this means that you don't get as much time or attention, you are fine with that, but you only ask one thing, that the time he DOES spend with you, to make it meaningful.

I'd probably save that conversation for a few weeks out, and not bring it up right after already complaining about this. You might consider taking a break from him, or in other words, give him time to realize what he's missing. He's likely so caught up in what he *MUST* do, that adding relationship musts to his list is going to make him even more distant. He'll likely get so frustrated that he'll take the position of, take it or leave it babe. He won't say it, but that will be how his actions represent him. Instead of nagging him for more attention, do the opposite, give him space enough, perhaps even *too* much space, so that he wonders what's wrong with you and begins to miss the affection. It could backfire on you, so take my advise as a suggestion of what you *could* do, and not necessarily what you *should* do. Just remember that he's still the same guy as before, he's just not so inclined to be your everything when he's got so much on his plate.

I wish you luck,

- Response by grumpyshoe, A Life of the Party, Male, 29-35, Seattle, Managerial

Rating Received:

Back to Active Questions