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Building walls and finding balance?
Dating / 1:08 PM - Thursday March 07, 2013

Building walls and finding balance?

For a long time I had a very thick layer of emotional walls up in regards to meeting new men. I had been really hurt and I just wasn't in to being hurt again. Over the past few years, I've had some pretty good confidence boosts and self-reflection and have felt the walls disappear. The problem now being that I almost feel too unprotected. In the past 6 months I've gone out very briefly with 4 separate men at different times. Each time I went into the first date with very little pressure on myself accepting that it's just a first date. All but one, I was just absolutely smitten for by the end of the date. They hit my "would really like list" and I could give a handful of reasons that I would want to continue seeing them. When each of those 3 fell apart I just felt crushed. Not I'm going to get a dozen cats crushed, but I can't believe this is happening crushed.

Realistically I know that I shouldn't be that emotionally invested after that short of a time, but I feel so little control in feeling that deep. It's like all of the walls just left town and I can't get the thin but smart ones back. I don't want to build up again and be all cold and closed like I was before.

So my question is, how do you find your happy medium when it comes to wall building?

- Asked by A Sweet Sarah, Female, 26-28, Other Profession

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Low expectations. That way, you are not disapointed if it doesn't work but the door is cracked open for possibilities.

At least, thats what I tell myself as I continue being repeatedly lied to. lol. Lied to but not hurt. Maybe eventually someone will come along who is sincere and also sincerely wants me. Until that time I'm content with my own company or the company of friends, family, and yes, my cat!! lol

- Response by norwegi, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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You build a fence with a gate.

- Response by joybird, A Creative, Female, Who Cares?, Therapist

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I know how you feel about the keeping a wall up between you having a relationship again yes your hearts was broken a few times and I sure know how that feel but you have to take that wall down and just start over again pray to god ask him to send you someone nice and who will not hurt you. It works you might think this is funny but my cousin she was getting tired of getting hurt and she prayed to god and sure enough he came around to her.

- Response by pawsbuddy04, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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Emotional walls usually need professional help in breaking down. Everyone takes a chance on love and it is never guaranteed. You seem to fall too fast and you might come across as needy so therapy might be the key. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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I don't know about wall building as an answer. I have found them, as I think you have, to be prison walls rather than security measures. Better would be just taking good care of yourself, being responsible for your own actions and setting your own stages. Take almost everything slowly, savoring the moments and living in the present. Good Luck

- Response by rekkonball, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older, Retired

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Great questions and the answer really is I don't know. Personally, what worked for me at your age was having a bad attitude, if someone asked me out fine...I'd go not to be a stick in the mud, but I "knew" it wouldn't go anywhere. I probably have the world record for first dates that went nowhere. I was painfully bored on some, painfully annoyed on some, and probably have the record for avoiding kisses at the end of the night thinking..."is he crazy, he enjoyed this??" But on one occasion I did find myself having a lot of fun with this geeky guy and having a lot in common...before I knew it I was walking down the isle with a close friend that seemed like he had been made for me. So you are right at the age to find a life partner and build a family are done with school, hopefully supporting yourself, presumably still fertile, and you "know" most dates don't go anywhere so you don't have false understandings, but still give guys at least a chance.

- Response by A Hippie Chick, Female, 29-35

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I'm not sure what you are talking about with the emotional walls, but at your age I never turned down a first date.

- Response by afirecracker, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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I have the same situations too. Mines is not just men either. It's my family too.

What I've been told, is to keep putting yourself out there. If they judge you or criticize you for being you then who cares. Yes we will be hurt and insecure. Focus on who loves you and who has stuck around for you.

Another option would be to get to know the guy and open up to him before the first date. Not everything, but I think you know what I mean. When I first met my bf, he let it all open the first day of meeting. We talked before we met so I felt like I sort of knew him ya know? I actually met him through a friend so it was easy to walk away if nothing worked out.

- Response by jrastro, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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in the love of the Lord Jesus Christ who can help you.

- Response by flwoodpecker, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Other Profession

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