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My boyfriend doesn't want to get married, ever. I really do.
Dating / 10:12 PM - Friday February 22, 2013

My boyfriend doesn't want to get married, ever. I really do.

We've been together for three years. I am 43, is this my last chance? He won't ever change his mind and I know this will hurt me and eat at me. Should I leave and try again before its too late?

Update: February 23, 2013.
Thank you for your responses. The majority have said what I'm feeling, I just needed some unbiased perspective. I didn't want to ask my friends and family because I didn't want to have anyone choosing 'sides' or be disloyal to my boyfriend. I guess the next step is a frank talk with him. Thank you again.

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Atlanta, Financial / Banking

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At your age, and I'm assuming your boyfriend is the same age, if he tells you he doesn't want to or will never marry, then you need to believe him and take him at his word. It's not like he's immature and 20 and clueless. He's lived his life, he's settled into the person he is and if his wish is to not be married, then you have to accept that, especially since you've been together for quite a few years. If he was going to change his mind about being married, he would have already.

When I met my husband, he was 42, never been married and had no desire to get married and made that very plain. As we dated, obviously he changed his mind. The difference between you and I is that my husband started out not wanting to be married, but after a year or so reconsidered, whereas you've been with the man for 3 years and he's still adamant that he doesn't want to get married. Although men won't ever admit to it, they know within 6 months whether you are someone they would consider marrying. If your boyfriend, after 3 years still hold on to not wanting to marry, then you're wasting your time. That's just the way it is. I'm not sure where in your stated age spectrum you lie whether in your 30's or 40', but the closer you get to or into your 40's, if you're looking to get married, the more your chances diminish of finding someone who's of quality as opposed to just settling.

If you've been with someone for 3 years and they consistently maintain that they do not want to marry, every day you spend with them is wasted if you do. You're not going to change their mind and if you become hurt or upset, the only person you have to blame is yourself because they made it clear and continued to make it clear. If you're looking for marriage, it's time to hit the door.

- Response by diznykd, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Lawyer

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when i comes to something like marriage you have to agree on that if you dont theres really nothing there in my opinion so you gotta do what you think is right for you

- Response by sarahot46, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 18-21, Who Cares?

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You have to decided if marriage is important to you. Why do you really have to get married? To have children or to be more secure in the relationship? Or hoping that you think the relationship will get better if you guys get married? If I see two people who are happlily in a relationship not wanting children then they don't need to be married. My father has been with his gf for 11 years and they are not married but they are like a married couple. :)
I would try to disappear and see how he reacts and when you do this sometimes it wakes the man's mind up and realizes what he is missing. ;) If that doesn't work and if marriage is very important to you than being with someone you love then move on.

- Response by allyirls, A Trendsetter, Female, 29-35, New York, Fashion

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If you want to get married, it won't be with him. So decide, is marriage THAT important?

- Response by roaminginsomniac, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Law Enforcement

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This is honestly a question that only you can answer for yourself. I'd sit down and make a list of pros and cons of staying in the relationship that your in without marriage. Weigh the two and base your decision on that. If marriage is as important to you as it seems then this list should give you your answer. Best of luck! =)

- Response by luv4mypetz, An Engaged Girl, Female, 36-45, Home Maker

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He has the right NOT to want to get married, and you have the right to want to have babies, or travel, or be single etc. You can stay with him with no marriage, or look for something that will make you feel better. Changing him is not an option.

- Response by sailormoon, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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Why is marriage so important to you? I used to think it was really important to to me, too, but I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, living together for two and a half, and at 34 years old I don't feel any urgent need to get married. If my partner and I were to the point in our relationship where we wanted to have children, I would want to marry then, but otherwise I'm not fussed about tying the knot. We love each other, try to look after each other, and are planning a future together, so that's enough for me. I don't like to imply that you haven't considered your reasons for wanting to marry so much, but I will say that growing up in Alabama with religious conservative parents (both of whom are twice-divorced) sort of made me think that I wanted to get married because that's what DECENT people do besides it being right in the eyes of religion. I don't look at it that way anymore or mind what my parents or their friends may think of my living arrangements now. Of course, your reasons for wanting to get married may be entirely different than the considerations I once had, but I do think it would be a shame for you to leave a man you love because of the relationship not fitting into your ideas about marriage.

- Response by abroadabroad, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Teaching

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Let me put this in perspective for you by restructuring what you just said.

The state of being married and the institution of marriage is more important to you than the man. And because of this you insist that your expectations will eat you up and make you bitter so best to leave a man even if he loves you and is willing to be in a long term commitment.

Tell me again WHO HERE has the problem?

Marriage is a property state and many people have realized that they are negatively impacted by being within it. They find that their relationships stay more vital and reacher with the potential that their partner could take issue and leave them...and so they try to minimize issues and move them towards resolution at higher levels. Many people live in long term committed relationships without marriage and flourish within these.

At 43 you cannot possible tell me that marriage is a requisite for having children because certainly you are over the age that you should think about having a child of your own. The risks of anomalies are just too high. AND you certainly must be self sustaining by now and have assets of your own. You should be aware that there is an escalating trend towards people 50 and over to never marry again. They have realized that if they marry and a partner becomes seriously ill that their joint estate is now at risk. If they stay seperate the partners assets can't be touched and the main domicile can't be touched is one partner is living anyway and their name is on the deed. SO it can be a smart way to protect assets given the way systems work now.

Letting something eat at you and hurt you that may actually benefit you in the long run is just fruitless. People often cling to societal paradigms long after they no longer work for us because we insist it's how it's always been or what we've been taught is right. Marriage is one of those paradigms.

Again if marriage is more important than the man than you will foolishly pick up your marbles and go one to play elsewhere.

- Response by joybird, A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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YES.

You are wasting your time sticking around hoping to change his mind. It is not fair and it is dishonest. He said his piece, accept it or not. But if it doesn't sit well with you, you have ONLY ONE OPTION - leave.



- Response by A Career Man, Male, 36-45

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Tough desision. A lot enters in to it. But, if ultimately, you want to be married and he doesn't, you could give him an ultimatum, and stick to it. You may be looking for a different man. I'm curious as to why he won't get married, did he say why?

- Response by daffodils2008, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Medical / Dental

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He probably feels why should he get married when he has all the benefits of marriage without the legal commitment. Why stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't want the same thing you do?

- Response by experience101, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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Why would you need to have a "frank talk with him?" He's already made it plain to you. He doesn't ever intend to get married. The only question that need to be asked is, is marriage something you need to carry on in this relationship?

If not, enjoy the life you have with him now. If it is something you need or want, you simply need to move on from this guy, and date some men who are looking for a wife. Life is short. Time waits for no man.

You've already invested 3 years in this man and relationship. If his mind hasn't changed yet, it never will. If you started this relationship off knowing he didn't want to get married; but hoped he would change his mind, I could tell you that is the biggest mistake women make.

- Response by thelovedovefor1, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Atlanta, Who Cares?

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it seems like you and he are at a standstill.
a battle of the minds.
you know what you want and what he wants. if you are not compatible in feelings.
if you leave him, i am looking for a woman to settle down with and enjoy the rest of my life with.
what part of ga are you from?
i was born in cobb county ga within a quarter mile of dobbins air reserve station.
it is not country any more.

you are right about a frank talk. he must have issuresa bout marriage.

- Response by flwoodpecker, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Other Profession

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I too share your same situation except for the fact that I have been dating my marriage-phobia boyfriend for four years. It really is sad to be in a relationship with someone that is other wise perfect. For over two years now, we both have been discussing this issue. It use to be that every Christmas, Valentines, and other occasions were such let downs for me and so anxious for him because he felt the pressure to buy me a ring. Now, the disappointment is felt by me on a regular basis. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my boyfriend loves me. However, I will always feel incomplete and slightly used because I'm not his wife. It is a feeling as if I'm not loved enough, valued enough, good enough to be considered his wife. I have been open with my feelings, and he continues to state that he doesn't want to live without me. Within the last few months, I made it clear that in order for me to be completely happy with him that we must get married or we didn't need to be together. Well, I'm still waiting, and I know that he was just buying time while hoping I would change my mind. It's just useless, and I now feel more disappointed, hurt and used than ever. It takes courage and strength to break yourself away from an other wise wonderful relationship. It's much easier said than done, but having been there myself. These feelings don't get better, but worse. Trying to find that courage now; living with this bitterness isn't healthy at all.

- Response by pattynsmalltown, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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