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Should I confront my boyfriend about something I found out while snooping?
Dating / 5:43 AM - Wednesday January 02, 2013

Should I confront my boyfriend about something I found out while snooping?

I have never snooped on my boyfriend before, and I don't know why I did it. First, more out of boredom then the fact that I would find anything on his phone. But when I saw the name of his friend (formerly with benefits), I had to look more into it. He told me he has a business meeting today although I know that he is going out for coffee with her. I believe that it is completely innocent and he simply didn't want me to know because I would be upset. Early in our relationship he had told me he was a virgin, when in fact he had had sex with this woman (before we had ever met), which he told me later on. This had resulted in our most serious argument ever, along with me of course having no interest in ever seeing her because it would remind me of his lying to me. I know that if he told me he was going to see her that I would be upset, maybe even more so then I am now, because now I am also plagued with guilt for having snooped. I can't tell him I snooped and yet if we don't discuss this, it's going to eat away at my conscience and possibly our relationship too. What should I do?

- Asked by Female, 22-25

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Both of you have issues. One snoops, the other cheats.

End the drama.

- Response by king313, A Rebel, Male, 29-35, Detroit, Civil Service

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Community Rating: Community Star

You need to talk to him about it. If going out to coffee with this girl was completely innocent, he would have told you. Yeah, maybe he just didn't want to fight about it, but its not okay for him to lie to you about where he was going. I'd be furious if my man was going out for coffee with a girl he used to mess around with, and even more so if I found out he lied to me about it. I think you need to apologize for snooping, but you need to ask him why he didn't tell you the truth. If he'd told you the truth in the first place there wouldn't be any reason for you to think anything shady was going on, but he lied about it, and that makes me think that something more might be going on.

- Response by heartmariek, A Married Girl, Female, 22-25, Who Cares?

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Your subconscious lead you into the direction of looking on his phone.
The feminine is very receptive, and your mind was opened up enough to receive the urge that your conscious mind did not want to be discovered.
Lying to someone from the very beginning of a relationship, instantly puts up a defensive invisible block, once it is known of the lie.
In my years on this earth, I have found out ...even if you do 'not' go looking for trouble, trouble always have a way to find you.
Be it with a knock on the door, a phone call, an email, or from the mouth of someone else.
You were *suppose* to know this painful information now for what ever the reason, so that you can emotionally protect ...You!

- Response by kismet331, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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Your subconscious lead you into the direction of looking on his phone.
The feminine is very receptive, and your mind was opened up enough to receive the urge that your conscious mind did not want to be discovered.
Lying to someone from the very beginning of a relationship, instantly puts up a defensive invisible block, once it is known of the lie.
In my years on this earth, I have found out ...even if you do 'not' go looking for trouble, trouble always have a way to find you.
Be it with a knock on the door, a phone call, an email, or from the mouth of someone else.
You were *suppose* to know this painful information now for what ever the reason, so that you can emotionally protect ...You!

- Response by kismet331, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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You need to tell him you looked in his phone so you can face the truth and find out why his sneaking out to meet this girl is more important to him than an honest relationship with you. You need to tell the truth to yourself and he needs to tell the truth to you.

- Response by maryea, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Retired

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Well for one, one lie is way too many and you should've dumped him for being dishonest. I'll say that if the opportunity presented itself to him, I'm sure he would take it. Yes confront him about it yet be prepared to hear more lie(s).

- Response by syncaset, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Dallas, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Drop in for coffee! Accidentally of course. FIND a reason to have accidentally been there.

- Response by rafiki910, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, Who Cares?, Boston, Body Work

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Well, you don't really have a leg to stand on about calling him dishonest, because you were dishonest by snooping yourself. But, if it is innocent, you are proving why he didn't want to tell you anything, because you clearly would get mad. You either trust him or you don't. Based on the fact that you were snooping, I'd say you don't. With that being the case, I don't think your relationship wiil last.

- Response by brando1002, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 29-35, Chicago, Internet / New Media

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I would be upfront with him and say that you looked at his phone out of boredom and came across texts from this woman. Ask calmly why he felt the need to hide contact with her, and why he lied about it. Let him know that it makes you very uncomfortable, and that you don't want him to have contact with her anymore out of respect for you and your relationship.

- Response by needingmore, A Hippie Chick, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Secrets only harm a relationship. Have an open and honest conversation about it. He won't like that you snooped, but you don't like that he lied about the 'business meeting', so you both have some explaining to do. If you're not comfortable with him seeing his ex (I wouldn't be either), then you should let me know. Otherwise, it will fester in you and mistrust will develop, which will make things worse.

Good luck with it. I hope things work out for you.

- Response by fastlane, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Toronto, Who Cares?

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Tell him a friend saw him with her.He has explaining to do.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Tampa, Who Cares?

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Nope, unless you want to admit snooping... but, one lie leads to another... both for you and for him, so you really do need to clear the air and discuss both of your lies and why they must stop

- Response by springbreaker, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Toronto, Self-Employed

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Confront him? NO.

You are not married, so once TRUST is breached - in this case by your snooping and by his lying - then all you can really do is END the relationship.

Successful relationships require a balance of trust, mutual respect and love - you both need to agree on the balance.
BUT if you don't have ALL THREE, then you cannot have a successful relationship... And unfortunately, these are CORE VALUES that you cannot force into a relationship, so if any one is lacking, all you can do is walk away.

Own the consequences of your actions - either keep the secret to your grave, or spill. The ADULT thing to do is keep the secret, since then ONLY YOU suffer the consequences of your actions. The CHILDISH thing to do would be to "confront him" and make your pain his - then you will both be suffering and your relationship will just suck and then die. Time to choose...

Either way, learn these lessons: Without TRUST, you have nothing. And increased knowledge brings increased suffering, you snooped and learned something you don't like, and now YOU face an unpleasant choice.

Tick, tock.

- Response by A Career Man, Male, 36-45

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If I were you, I would just ask him about it and see what he says. That's just my advice. I know I would hate it if my partner was hiding something from me. It could be much ado about nothing, but it's better to put out a small fire rather than a big fire.

- Response by daugenstine, A Creative, Male, 29-35, Who Cares?

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HES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU IF HES HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE/IF HES LYING TO YOU. greg brenhardt is right..when someone does these things not only are they NOT into you they dont even like you all that much. do you really think your snooping and your stalking him is going to stop him from doing what hes doingif he was in love with you youd never have to worry about catching him doing this. he wouldnt be doing it to start with.
hes not in love with you and you stalking him is not going to MAKE him love you.

should you confront him? it all depends. are you going to do this as a means of foreclosing this relationship? or is this going to become the beginning of something looking like a bad CHEATERS/COM episode where hes keeps cheating on you keeps lying to you and you keep stalking him and catching him? if i suspectd that my hubby was a cheater and it wasnt a one time thing yes i would investigate him. but the moment i found the truth and confront him it would be like THIS IS WHAT I FOUND..IM OUT OF HERE. MY ATTORNEY WILL BE IN TOUCH..CYA!! change my email, change my cell, refuse his calls at my job, block him from facebook. and leave NO ROOM..NONE!! for him to try to argue with me. it just opens the door for him to manipulate me thru more lies. any contact once i discover the truth and i present it will be done thru an attorney..period.
if thats not what youre intending to do then whats going to happen is he keeps cheating he keeps lying to you and you end up looking like some sort of fatal attraction that doesnt get it. hes not worth it hun. you can do better. dont throw your life out of the window ovr this creep. whats going to end up haunting you.. especially if you end up getting a record over this by getting all crazy acting.....is NOT what a dirtbag he is but how badly you behaved in how you handled it.

trust me on this one
lisa

- Response by u2joshuadesireu, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental

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