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May leave love of my life because lack of parenting her kid.....
Family & Parenting / 11:07 PM - Monday October 15, 2012

May leave love of my life because lack of parenting her kid.....

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Left my gf because of her kid....?
I can't believe I'm writing this.

I'm a 39 yr old self employed business man with no kids. I met a women I knew years ago 8 months ago. We moved in together 6 months ago with her 8 yr old son. He seemed to be a good kid until the last few months. She refuses to tell him no and says she does not want to hurt him. His dad left when he was 2 and is not involved in his life. We sat down and talked about his behavior issues months ago and again 3 weeks ago. Her best friend for 25 yrs even came over to,tell her she has never seen her discipline the kid properly other than 1 time his entire life. The friend has been there since the boys birth. She is also a social worker with troubled kids. My gf agreed and says she can see now that she has been hurting him by trying to protect him all there years.

I told her I was there to support her and help anyway I could. All I wanted was for her to be consistent with some form of discipline. That as long as he had structure in his life we would start to see improvements.

This is a kid that disrespects his cousins, grandmother/ father, mom everyone. Even tried to kick me in my privates horse playing. My gf thinks it cute and did not see it. Everything he has is better than yours, refuses to share, throws tantrums, only plays rough with cousins always brags about hurting them. Talks negative about teachers, friends, the guys who work for me etc. he decides what we listen to on the radio, tv, what we eat etc.

So after the intervention she has made no changes. Yesterday was a day from hell. He was told no 10 times or more and paid no attention. I try not to do the discipline as I feel it's to early in our relationship. I try and let her take the lead then back her when talking to him. It hard to back her up when she does not see it! This kid is begging for structure but has none. She can not bring herself to get mad at him. I have never seen her get angry with him and trust me he has done plenty. She has a bad temper and her whole family will tell you that, she will scold her sisters kids in a heart beat but no hers.

Sitting watching all this and feeling I can do nothing has lead to anxiety attacks which I never have suffered from. It's affecting my work, my health.

So I left today for a trial separation. I am to the point I can't stand to be around him. I have to sit and watch him disrespect his mother and say nothing. I have said plenty in the past and it now sounds like I'm beating a dead horse. I know she's tired of hearing me and immtired of an 8 yr old ruling my life.

Tell me I'm crazy!

Note: I said he seemed to be a good kid until the last few months. He has had behavior issues all his life, this did not just start. I noticed it more the last few months after seeing what it was doing to me. I thought it may get better but continues to get worse. What happens when he's 12,13? Whew I shiver to think of the hell he will put his loved ones through.

This is not the kids fault, it's moms. Also she brought in her friend as a mediator thinking she would side with her and she did not.

I love her like crazy but am afraid this is a deal breaker.

- Asked by A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45

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you stated that the child's behavior has worsened over the last few months. my guess is, this is because he is trying to adjust to his new living situation. it must be somewhat difficult to never have a father figure in your life and then all of a sudden start living with your mom's boyfriend.

your girlfriend has been catering to the boy because she feels guilty about him not having a father. you've stated it's not him, its her, but they both need family counceling.

she can learn to discipline with love and he can learn appropriate behavior and ways to express his anger. the question is will she go and will she go consitently.

i know a woman who stopped seeing a man whom she was interested in because of the contentious relationship he had with his daughter. she said it just made her uncomfortable. you are clearly uncomfortable if you are having anxiety attacks.

maybe you moving out wasn't a bad thing. maybe you can take this time apart and suggest that she start going to counceling. if she says she will go, continue to date until she makes progress and then who knows maybe you can join the counceling and start moving towards becoming a family.

by the way, unless i misread, you moved in together after dating for 2 or 3 months. i know you said you knew her from before, but 2 or 3 months does seem rather quick. do you think she was ready to move in so quickly because she wanted you to be a father to the boy? if this is the case, she and her son most certainly need counceling.

- Response by chicagdavid1975, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Chicago, Financial / Banking

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SHe better start acting like a parent or soon it will be too late.I don't blame you for leaving.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Tampa, Who Cares?

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It sounds like she is definitely lacking in the discipline area. All kids need boundaries, along with consistent and fair consequences when they overstep them. But one of your last paragraphs says a lot. You said he seemed to be a good kid until the last few months. You had mentioned that you moved in together 6 months ago...just 2 months after you got together That's awfully soon. Put yourself in the kid's shoes for a moment: How would your 8 year old self have felt if you had your mom all to yourself, and then - boom! She gets a boyfriend and just 2 months later, he moves in? You go from being the center of her world to having to share her time and attention with some guy - who thinks he's going to tell you what you can and can not do. You probably wouldn't like it very much would you?

So, part of the problem is that you didn't give her son time to adjust to you being in the picture before you started shacking up together And what is he supposed to call you? You're not his dad, or his stepdad. You're not technically a family member at all. But you're obviously more than just a pal. This stuff can be confusing to an 8 year old. That, combined with his mom's sudden shift of attention, can cause a lot of stress, no matter how great of a guy you are or how crazy you are about the mom. And don't think he doesn't know that you can't stand to be around him. He might be a spoiled brat, but he's not stupid.

It's good that your gf acknowledged that she has made mistakes as a parent and has to make some changes. But change isn't easy, and 8 years of bad habits are not going to change overnight. It takes time and effort.

Moving out was probably the best thing you could do at this point. If you really love her and want a future with her, don't break up with her completely. Just try normal dating, instead of living together. That way, she can focus on being a parent when she's at home and a girlfriend when she's with you. Continue to encourage her in her efforts to discipline her son. Maybe ask the social worker friend to help her out too. But don't move in together again unless you're planning on marrying her and taking on the role of stepdad. And don't plan on doing that until the child's behavior is better controlled, and you're more tolerent.

- Response by uniquelyme2, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer

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The Kids probably reacting to his new living arrangment..... but hey hes a brat in mneed of structure............. so you help provide and become part of the solution ...or take your happy ass down the girl Friend needs a Man to stand beside her...not nagging from behind her.......... maybe you should just stay gone

- Response by boxer1, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

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I totally understand what you are going thru. I have a 9 yr old step son who is similar. His father and I have been together since he was 3 and he has always been allowed to get away with some things b/c my husband felt guilty for not having him all the time. His family has noticed how disrespectful he is toward his father and that he does not listen to anything. My husband thinks he is a bad father for always punishing him but the son has to be disciplined. I understand that you love this woman and would probably do anything for her but she, like my husband, needs to learn that discipline is not beating your kid but making him respect others and himself and that when you do wrong, you are punished for it.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Administrative

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