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How can i get my wife to realize that she is an angry abusive alcoholic?
Sex & Intimacy / 2:58 PM - Monday August 20, 2012

How can i get my wife to realize that she is an angry abusive alcoholic?

When my wife drinks she will get to a point where she just "flips a switch". Everything will be find and danddy, then all of a sudden, BAMN! She gets mean and nasty. Angry for little reason or she makes things up to complain about. And i mean way out of left field kinds of things that make no sence at all.

She will also get physically abusive. Aggessively grabbing me if i try to walk away, tearing my shirt. She often raises her fist to me, threatening to hit me. and often punches me in the stomach. The other night she punched me in the face.

When i've tried to talk to her about it when she's sober she does one of a few things. She will either deny it. laugh it off, like its a big joke. as if her behaviour was funny. say that i knew she was like this before we got married, and i will have to deal with it. Or on rare occations, get sad and appologetic.

When i showed her my eye, where she punched me, she said its not her fault, and i should have been able to block it, being that i'm a black belt and all. And in truth, being a black belt is probably the only reason i have the restraint not to raise a hand to my wife in these situations.

I am by no means an amature to dealing with alcoholics. But the abuse i'm sustaining from her and she blaming me for it, is leaving me at my wits end. I blame the alcohol and would not ever leave my wife, when she is clearly sick.

How can i help her realize she needs to stop drinking or get help?

- Asked by Male, 36-45

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You can't.

I'm sorry, I know that is NOT the answer you wanted to hear.

Get yourself to Al-Anon meetings. Read the books on codependency by Melody Beattie.

Good luck to you.

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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Community Rating: Community Star

Call the cops. Have her arrested for assault. Maybe a little time in jail may wake her up to the problems she has and is causing. Other than that, commit her to a drug abuse center. She may not want to go, but being her husband you can commit her.

- Response by barbb, An Alternative Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Other Profession

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Alcoholism is a progressive disease that ends in death, institution (jail) or recovery. She has a long ways to go before she hits her bottom. Are you really going to be a victim of it. You have to decide YOUR bottom. Part of the disease is an inability to take responsibility. You have to put your foot down and leave her if she won't get herself into treatment. You can go to al-anon for support for yourself and you can help by finding information about treatment programs and asking her to go to one.

- Response by maryea, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, New York, Retired

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I'd be leaving her ass. So, she says you knew she was like this when you married her? If that's the truth, then there's not much I can say, because you walked into it. But if it's not true, get to steppin'. I don't know why people feel that being married to them means you're in a death sentence to put up with their shit.

- Response by wudaddy, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 29-35, Dallas, Law Enforcement

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You can't.

She is a "black out drunk" and they really are not aware of their words or actions.

She either chooses to face some kind of consequences for her actions and gets and stays sober or this abuse will continue and escalate.

If she were a he, the advice would be the same... Get out now while you can. She will be forced to face her reality alone and perhaps then she can make informed and educated decision to get clean and have a life.

She can not drink. Period. Not a drop.

Good luck, wish I had easier advice, but I have lived this with a brother and then a relationship... My "codependency" stopped when I realized that I couldn't fix them, I could hold on to me...

- Response by siouxzen, A Creative, Female, Who Cares?, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

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I would sock her in the face and spend the night in jail.....then again, no bitch is worth a police record. If you're any kind of a man at all you will leave her immediately.

- Response by clueless37, An Alternative Girl, Female, 36-45, Celebrity

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She clearly has other problems and is using alcohol to try and mask them or an outlet to release her true feelings. I would suggest sitting her down and try to figure out what is really bothering her, instead of trying to make her feel like she has a problem and needs "help"; it sounds to me like she just needs the love and understanding of her husband.

- Response by Cigarettes_and_Wickedness, An Alternative Girl, Female, 22-25, New York, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I was married to an alcoholic - there is no way you can get an alcoholic into treatment (and sobriety) by crying, begging, and threats. SHE is the one who has to realize that her disease is hurting the ones she loves the most. All you can do is keep yourself from being dragged down with her.

- Response by myrtletyrtle, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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You need to try to talk with your wife during one of her more lucid, reflective moments. Her behavior seems so violent I almost feel that alcohol kicks off a mental illness in her. All you can do is keep trying to get her into a treatment program. This is a sad story, especially since your wife is so young.

- Response by betterbird, A Creative, Male, 46-55, San Francisco, Administrative

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You have to tell her she is an alcoholic and she needs to get help. If she denies it, she will not get it. She has to be willing to get help herself, and be halfway there. And if by chance she doesn't want any help or support, then it's your choice to leave or live like that for the rest of your life with her.

- Response by amy1022, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Teaching

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Dude, Bro... Your missus is a certifiable psychotic. I mean this in all seriousness. Have you ever heard of DARVO? It means Deny/Attack/Reverse-the -Victim-and-Offender. It's a typical way that psychotics respond when they get called out for bad behaviour. She cannot be cured, fixed or treated. Trying to do those things will only train her to be even more devious and abusive.
You need to disengage from her, yesterday-- no, last YEAR was already too long.
Have you read this site Shrink4men.com? Go there and sign in, it will save your life, because the longer you take to pull the plug with this monster, the lower your chances get to ever have a normal life again.

- Response by chesterdad, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, San Francisco

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This is classic alcoholic behavior. It's called a Jekyll and Hyde alcoholic. My mother was like this. Go to al anon. You are not alone in this. And you need to do whatever you need to stay safe in the mean time. You can't make her stop drinking. You CAN make her live with the consequences of her action. You can stop enabling her.

Here's one quick example of a tool: go take a bottle of alcohol. Start to reason with it and help it understand that your wife can't drink it. Successful? I thought not. That's exactly what you are doing when you try to talk to a drunk.

See you at the meetings. There's relief from the anxiety, fear, and anger.

Good luck and God bless

- Response by kravjar666, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Los Angeles, Consulting

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Video Tape her....

- Response by juandontbeg, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Self-Employed

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Tough situation. But seriously, as a black belt, you should be able to not get clocked in the face or stomach. What's up with that?

- Response by cutback, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Who Cares?

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I'll go with utahmom and recommend that you go to an al-anon meeting. Just explain your concerns to the people in the room, and they'll give you plenty of advice.

Regarding her behavior, you can't control what she does. If she chooses to drink, that's her business. The only thing you can really do is just get out of her way.

- Response by inotnuts, A Father Figure, Male, 36-45, Newark, Retired

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I ditto Juandontbeg-- Videotape her meltdowns.

- Response by chesterdad, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, San Francisco

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Leaving her for good is the only way she'll "get it " . you didn't commit to dealing with her bullshit .

- Response by headscratching, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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- Response by regnadkcin, A Father Figure, Male, 56-65, Boston, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Leave her.

- Response by greekattorney, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Political / Government

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