The first question I ever posted here, ages ago, was for the ladies: "What is a Nice Guy, and why do women hate him so much?"
The women wouldn't come clean, so I had to search elsewhere for answers, and I found them in the Nice Guy Syndrome-- google for it. IMO, the NGS is THE leading cause for sexless marriage and divorce today in this country.
Being a Nice Guy isn't about being "nice" or being a doormat, it's a whole lifestyle issue that encompasses every part of a man's life. Robert Glover had to write a book about it, "No More Mr Nice Guy!", and he says his notes kept growing until he realized it would never get published unless he stopped where he was. His new site is Drglover-dot-com, check it out. He's phasing out Nomoremrniceguy.com. One of those has an online support forum that you need to join, asap.
The main issue with Nice Guys is being able to project VALUE. Glover defines Nice Guys as fundamentally dishonest, hiding their true selves in order to avoid conflict, and to gain acceptance. Nice Guys also lack strong personal boundaries, which are the basis for RESPECT. We can beat the topic to death about doing this or that sort of thing, because it's too "nice" but the bottom line is that when we do those things, we lose VALUE, in a woman's subconscious mind. Most of what we do to show our value works against us-- it's totally counterintuitive until we understand the background, which is usually basic evolution. One example is begging for sex-- it immediately puts a man in a low value position= LOSER. Begging, bullying, and BUYING sex are all low-value acts for typical Nice Guys.
Niceguysite mentioned how women can be seduced just as well by FALSE value, as by the real thing-- lookit all the sociopaths in prison who women are lusting after. Even Joran van der Sloot has someone begging to marry him.
We had a member here "Revbikerman", long gone, but he was having the same issue as you-- married 23 years to a lovely talented woman whom he adored and treated like a queen. Their intimacy was nowhere. He was online practically 24/7 trying to figure out how to save his marriage, and when he began to understand the Nice Guy Syndrome, he needed to make only a few adjustments to see results. Partly, his devotion to her made him spoil her, which worked totally against him. The more he tried to spoil her, hoping to get sex in return, the worse she got. When he stopped doing that, she began to respect him more. In the end, his marriage died anyway. Maybe she did him a favor, who's to say?
There can be plenty of other psycho-sexual issues that have turned your missus into a washout. Too many women have absolutely nothing else going on in their lives outside being a domestic partner. It can tear anyone down to feel worthless that way, and that can show up when the lights go out.
Anyone trying to help you get to the root of what's going on for you needs more info, and Glover will offer his help. Read his book first, though. He has a number of Breaking Free exercises for you to work on, but he advises us that doing the exercises can achieve either of these things: you'll strengthen your relationship, or else speed it to an overdue end.
Another advice site that I recommend is Shrink4men-dot-com, which is mainly for men with abusive partners, but you'll discover a lot of overlap-- psychotic women have a natural attraction to Nice Guys, who they devour. One recent article there is about having the Brass Balls to make a slacker wife grow up and be a productive member of the household. It's a good example of Tough Love. She may hate you for it, but you'll certainly gain respect, which you are not getting now.
- Response by chesterdad
, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 66 or older, San Francisco