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Why do I have to beg my wife for sex?
Sex & Intimacy / 10:26 PM - Tuesday August 07, 2012

Why do I have to beg my wife for sex?

I've been married 17yrs and over the past 10yrs sex/intimacy with wife has gone from bad to worse. Everytime I ask its always no. Then if i get mad she ask me whats my problem. Ive disconnected to the point that i dont even care anymore. Even when she finally gives in at that point i just want to get off and go to sleep.

- Asked by tisdale, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Financial / Banking

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You need professional intervention because a quick answer isn't going to entirely resolve the issues here. I can give you a some things to think about but I imagine I would need to see you both seperately in therapy and later conjointly for awhile before the problems here could be resolved in ways that satisfy both of you.

The first issue is obvious. If when she gives in you are at a point where you just get your rocks off and go to sleep than you certainly aren't setting a favorable stage for future instances of willingness for sex. You don't train any animal for repeat behavior by punishing them in some you are in essence punishing her for her breaking down and having sex with you. I am secure in the knowledge that she is giving in when she is ovulating and then you get your rocks off and roll over on her. This doesn't breed intimacy and it isn't anything remotely close to an attempt to be sexually responsive to her orgasm experience.

There is also the problem of approach on your part. Asking for sex is a bad idea. It's akin to asking for a kiss. It has been my experience that women either demonstrate their willingness or they aren't willing....asking isn't necessary if a woman is willing. The problem with asking for sex is that if you are asking than you aren't doing anything that would prompt sex or an overature on her part. There is only you waiting until you want sex and then asking and getting turned down as a result.
Women need to be primed and that priming CANNOT only be a prelude to the sex you want then or in the next hours. It has to be WITHOUT EXPECTATION ON YOUR PART for sex in any time frame of immediacy or even later that evening. It has to be done for it's own erotic self.
Priming is the sensual and affectational touching, embracing, as well as kissing of the neck or other parts of the body without any intention of it leading to sex at that time. It's just a moment of connection made however erotic and then you move on about your day. It should be combined with some positive statement about your partner not some string of lewd remarks but something positive said like a compliment on her hair, her smell, her eyes so skin.
This priming without expectation makes a woman feel both valued, pleasing and desired...but not just for the holes in her body....instead for who she is. It's a good time to say things like..."that was a great meal, thanx...while pinching a breast or cupping it...." And then move on.

There are obviously issues in your relationship. Most people either ignore their partners complaints or minimize them. If she made some in the past and you did that then know you are paying the price now. That IS how it works. Deep resentments or feelings of emotional neglect felt by a woman lead to a lack of sex in marriage. Lack of attention to her orgasm leads to a lack of sex in a marriage.

My guess is that you ignored which in her mind was a pretty big "NO" to her across the years and now she is saying "NO" to you in the arena in which she has total control...her body.
It will take alot of backing off and hammering at these issues in another less punitive way for you to make the relationship good again.

- Response by joybird, A Creative, Female, Who Cares?, Therapist

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I will repeat my previous answer from the other gender...

Either "she can't" --- too tired, too dry etc.

Or she is really angry with you for an unspoken reason and is withholding to punish you.

That is the most frequent cause of sexual withholding.

Start talking...

- Response by siouxzen, A Career Woman, Female, Who Cares?, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

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The first question I ever posted here, ages ago, was for the ladies: "What is a Nice Guy, and why do women hate him so much?"
The women wouldn't come clean, so I had to search elsewhere for answers, and I found them in the Nice Guy Syndrome-- google for it. IMO, the NGS is THE leading cause for sexless marriage and divorce today in this country.
Being a Nice Guy isn't about being "nice" or being a doormat, it's a whole lifestyle issue that encompasses every part of a man's life. Robert Glover had to write a book about it, "No More Mr Nice Guy!", and he says his notes kept growing until he realized it would never get published unless he stopped where he was. His new site is Drglover-dot-com, check it out. He's phasing out One of those has an online support forum that you need to join, asap.
The main issue with Nice Guys is being able to project VALUE. Glover defines Nice Guys as fundamentally dishonest, hiding their true selves in order to avoid conflict, and to gain acceptance. Nice Guys also lack strong personal boundaries, which are the basis for RESPECT. We can beat the topic to death about doing this or that sort of thing, because it's too "nice" but the bottom line is that when we do those things, we lose VALUE, in a woman's subconscious mind. Most of what we do to show our value works against us-- it's totally counterintuitive until we understand the background, which is usually basic evolution. One example is begging for sex-- it immediately puts a man in a low value position= LOSER. Begging, bullying, and BUYING sex are all low-value acts for typical Nice Guys.
Niceguysite mentioned how women can be seduced just as well by FALSE value, as by the real thing-- lookit all the sociopaths in prison who women are lusting after. Even Joran van der Sloot has someone begging to marry him.
We had a member here "Revbikerman", long gone, but he was having the same issue as you-- married 23 years to a lovely talented woman whom he adored and treated like a queen. Their intimacy was nowhere. He was online practically 24/7 trying to figure out how to save his marriage, and when he began to understand the Nice Guy Syndrome, he needed to make only a few adjustments to see results. Partly, his devotion to her made him spoil her, which worked totally against him. The more he tried to spoil her, hoping to get sex in return, the worse she got. When he stopped doing that, she began to respect him more. In the end, his marriage died anyway. Maybe she did him a favor, who's to say?
There can be plenty of other psycho-sexual issues that have turned your missus into a washout. Too many women have absolutely nothing else going on in their lives outside being a domestic partner. It can tear anyone down to feel worthless that way, and that can show up when the lights go out.
Anyone trying to help you get to the root of what's going on for you needs more info, and Glover will offer his help. Read his book first, though. He has a number of Breaking Free exercises for you to work on, but he advises us that doing the exercises can achieve either of these things: you'll strengthen your relationship, or else speed it to an overdue end.
Another advice site that I recommend is Shrink4men-dot-com, which is mainly for men with abusive partners, but you'll discover a lot of overlap-- psychotic women have a natural attraction to Nice Guys, who they devour. One recent article there is about having the Brass Balls to make a slacker wife grow up and be a productive member of the household. It's a good example of Tough Love. She may hate you for it, but you'll certainly gain respect, which you are not getting now.

- Response by chesterdad, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 66 or older, San Francisco

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Been there done this but probably takes a woman why a wife will make her husband feel like he has to beg for sex.

All I can tell you is sex, or the lack of, led to my divorce after 20yrs. In the end my wife had "sex" so it actually pissed me off. Only problem was deciding why. Not sure if it was because the wait had been so long or that sex just ment that wait was starting over. Anyway it made our disconnect so complete she finaly walked away and left me with the kids.

Today I've remained single 20 more, raised my kids, and keep my home for me alone. Promised myself a woman to "love" me as much, and often, as I would her to ever tye that knot again. Never found one. Were those who would "love" a guy to death to catch him just none who would to keep him. Seems like they've all got a 2yr sexual shelf-life for making love, refer to it as having sex by then, and put you on a ration. Drove me nuts married and expected to be "loving" 24/7 while rationed when allowed to.

Today I've been with my s/o over 10yrs, not married, wont even live together. It's the one way I've found I can ration time more according to her ration for sex. Keeps me free to just be me 6-8days a week and really ups the odds I'll get to love her when we get together as she rations out some sex.

- Response by fluff47, A Father Figure, Male, 56-65, Self-Employed

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it's difficult to say since you're the only one that knows your situation. Do you think she is still physically attracted to you? Is this sudden or gradual? Could she no longer be in love with you? Have you changed? I just ask these questions because it could be any of them or something else. I would try counseling if you feel your marriage is worth saving and it's not something the two of you can work out alone.

- Response by baybreeze69, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Perhaps you can skip asking and go with a more spontaneous approach. If you put effort into your attempts it will be harder for her to reject them. It is more difficult to maintain a relationship than it is to establish a new one. People develop patterns/routines that become more monotonous than pleasurable. After 17yrs you must know a few things that she truly enjoys, (foods, wines, restaurants, entertainment). Planning a romantic get-away or even something as simple as a nostalgic soundtrack and some of her fav take-out food, may remind her why she fell in love with you in the first place.

- Response by Belle_Lafleur, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Ottawa, Self-Employed

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