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Active Questions

Why are wives/husbands so shallow and self centered?
Married Life / 3:37 AM - Thursday June 21, 2012

why are wives/husbands so shallow and self centered?

and give the statement that you cant change someone or cannot even help them??
there's this women who publicly says that my husband sleeps around but i cant change him so i am fine with it, a husband says that i cannot stop my wife from doing drugs so i let her do drugs because i cant change her!
what is this nonsense??
i mean sitting and watch them ruin themselves has become a sport or what, what are spouses for??
dont/cant they help one other if one is dysfunctional??
stone sour's ex wife tried so hard to make him give up his suicidal/drug tendencies and finally made him sober by continuously threatening him to annul their marriage so why do spouses give such lame excuses???
who said that if a spouse is in ruins, let them be until they change themselves???

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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What you do not seem to understand or accept, is that nobody can change another person, until that other person wants to change. And, there is nothing you can do that will accelerate the process. The solution to another person's problem is never for you to give up peace and tranquility in YOUR life.

If you happen to meet someone at the exact same time they are on their road to repair, that is wonderful. That rarely happens.

- Response by randyl, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Technical

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The reality is that you can't change someone else. You can shape cognition and behavior if you are trained to do so but even then you can't make the actual changes for the person. THEY have to do that. What you have control over is you and what you will or will not agree to experience. Some people determine that they want a particular person in their lives no matter what the cost and these are people who will admit that they have no real power to change another person. The person who threatened annulment is someone who was willing to walk away from the relationship if there weren't changes. Many people are not willing to follow through with that threat and so they don't make it. You have to be willing to follow through on your bottom line because if you don't you teach the person that you will not keep your word in terms of consequences for behaviors you don't want in your life.
This isn't shallow nor self-centererd, it's just the reality of cognitive behavior and shaping.

- Response by joybird, A Creative, Female, Who Cares?, Therapist

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you cannot really change someone unless they see where they want to change. it is natural to resist change unless you want to change.

- Response by flwoodpecker, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Other Profession

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you must not have much experience with drunks and addicts

most people are not qualified to help someone like that change and if that person is not willing to make a change they will not make the change

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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It's not a wife or husband you can't change, it's the person. You cannot force anyone to change who does not want to change. You can take them to therapy, but if they don't want to participate or be helped, they will not benefit. You can put someone in rehab, but if they want to continue to abuse, they will either leave rehab or continue the abuse when they return. I attribute your not being able to understand this to your very young age. You haven't lived enough life or been around people or had enough relationships to know this is the way it is. That's not an insult, that's fact. The fact you ask this question and refer to people by a title rather than as a person is proof of that. You cannot change a person who does not want to change.

If a man sleeps around, exactly what is it you think you can personally do to change him? Tie him up, lock him in the house? You could threaten to leave him, but if he wants to sleep around he'll be glad you're not there to nag him about it.

The only way any person changes is when they hit their personal bottom. It's different for everyone. For one person, it may be losing their family, for another, losing their job or their home. But it's what makes the difference to THEM, not what you think is important.

I think you would do wise to educate yourself on addiction before you ask a question like this because it clearly shows you know nothing about the disease, how to deal with it and the most important thing: you can't take it away from someone and you can't stop what is not under your control.

- Response by diznykd, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Lawyer

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