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I feel uncomfortable around my boyfriend lately. Is it my own insecurity or his behavior, or both?
We dated for a few months, and while he did the sweet pre-boyfriend type things (not overdone, though), like calling, texting cute things, asking me out, helping me with groceries, talking with me, etc., I slept with him too soon (1 month in) and I think it changed his perception of me.
How did I know it was too soon? It was two weeks before Valentine's Day and we were making out on the couch and things got heavy - it just felt good. He was more than willing, but when we got upstairs, he looked at me and said, "I thought we were going to wait until Valentine's Day." My heart sank for a moment, because it made me feel like he wanted to wait, and at that moment, made me care about him in such a sweet way, and I felt like a slut, honestly.
Since then, I have felt like I've been chasing his heart in a way, and I can't get over it. We kept sleeping together, but I always feel like I disappointed him in some way, even though he likes spending time with me and getting intimate. I became insecure about some things that he'd say that made me feel like he wasn't interested in me for the long haul in the "right way," if you know what I mean. Perhaps I was overreacting, but I feel like he has something over on me, and having conversations feels sometimes awkward, though not always.
So, I became more sensitive, and somewhat clingy, though I tried to hide it. I then started to have really nice feelings for him - falling in love with him - but I could notice that, while he cares about me, I still feel like he looks at me differently.
To make matters worse, one night while we were making love, I blurted out, "I love you." I just couldn't help it.
I know he didn't feel comfortable saying it right then, but a few days later he did. He'd always say, "Luv ya" which is great, but this time, he said "I love you" back.
I don't want to scare this guy away - he's still here - but I don't want to back so far off just to compensate for my silliness (at least I'm thinking it is).
I want things to be comfortable, equal in feeling.
I feel helpless around this man sometimes because he doesn't talk much - I don't feel like I can be completely myself around him right now, or say what's really in my heart - the things that I'm telling you now.
I know that it's said when two people really care about each other they can say anything, but the reality is, with men and women, sometimes doing that makes the other person lose attraction because men and women are so different.
What can I do?
Update: April 30, 2012.
I really have some issues - I hope that by admitting that to myself, that's a good first step. The thing is now, after I've done some damage in this relationship, how can I look him in the eye, when I feel like a complete idiot about the stupid things I've said, the insecure way I've acted. I don't want to go totally the other way, like being sooo laid back that it's ridiculously obvious. I just want to feel like we're on a good track again, you know? But every time I see him, I feel like he's thinking about the stupid s--t I've done. Actually, my ex-boyfriend used to feel insecure around me, and now I know how it feels to be my current bf, holy s--t. Two major breakthroughs in one day.
So, what do I do, if I'm hurt because he doesn't call like he used to, should I just suck it up for awhile, and take my licks because I deserve them and try to just be?
- Asked by over40dating
, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55