Back to Home

Active Questions

Girlfriend always spending the night with another guy?
Dating / 12:51 PM - Monday February 13, 2012

Girlfriend always spending the night with another guy?

So my girlfriend's best friend is a guy, a very attractive Army Ranger guy, and they have been BFF for over four years. Now that we are serious it really bothers me that she still hangs out with him. Like Friday night he picked her up at 7pm and then she didn't get home until 5pm Saturday.

Then the same day Saturday night, or I guess Sunday morning he came over at 1am just to smoke a cigar on our front porch and talk to her. And then yesterday, Sunday they went to the movies at 1 and she didn't get home until 7am, I guess they just spent the whole night walking around town after the movies.

This morning I talked to her telling her I was uncomfortable with her hanging out with him so much and she got mad at me saying I was insensitive because he is her best friend and he is getting deployed in 11 days and she might never see him again and she is in a lot of "pain" knowing he is going to be in Afghanistan for 15 months and she might not have any contact with him that whole time.

I told her that it is not okay to spend time alone with another guy when you are in a serious relationship and she said it is ok and I just don't trust her and that I knew about her hanging out with her guy friends before we got serious so if I had a problem it's my fault for not bringing it up before we got into a relationship.

What would you do in my situation? We have been dating for nearly a year, and I was planning on proposing tommorrow(V Day), I know our relationship sounds shaky based on this post, but it really is amazing and everything has been great, aside from this situation.

I am just not sure if I should put off the proposal because I feel she is disrespecting me or if I am the one who is being out of line here? I mean he has been in her life a lot longer but as a partner I feel I should be a lot more important and my opinions and feelings come first.

- Asked by Male, 22-25

Read more about the Rating System


I would advise you to mellow out for eleven more days. No sense making a huge issue out of this now.

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

Rating Received:


wITH APOLOGIES TO THE LADIES WHO HAVE ALREADY ANSWERED, SHE HAS BEEN SPENDING ALL NIGHT WITH HIM, KINDA PUTS UP A RED FLAG TO ME.

- Response by wallvis, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 66 or older, Retired

Rating Received:


You are being a baby, if you trusted her you wouldn't be acting like an insecure jerk. She is not your property she has the right to hang out with her friends. She had a life before you. If you do not trust her then do her a favor and let her go so she can find a real man.

- Response by A Creative, Male, 22-25

Rating Received:


Do not propose. If she cared anything about you she would see how this is not respectable on her behalf. She has no respect for you and never will. That is the way women work...once they have lost respect you can never get it back. I would suggest moving on and finding someone who is willing to make the effort she is making for her friend for you. She is screwing this guy.

- Response by juandontbeg, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


I agree with utahmom. Let the next 11 days go and perhaps she can re-establish some boundaries upon his healthy return. I don't think you have the right to tell her who her friends can be but it would bother most normal people to have their S/O's leaving for days on end with members of the opposite sex. No good reason for her to have to spent overnights with him but bringing this up now is in poor taste. If you want to pop the question, do so after he leaves because her attention will be too divided over the next 11 days. Then you can talk about your feelings and expectations without him being in the middle.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35

Rating Received:


You're an idiot. How would you feel if your best friend just dropped you because she was in a relationship? She is being a good friend and based on the fact he is going to war makes you even stupider. You should WANT her to hang out with him more, imagine if decided to not spend his last days here with him and he doesn't come back? She would be emotionally scarred for the rest of her life because of what? An insecure guy who has been in her life for only a fraction of the time this other guy has?

- Response by A Life of the Party, Male, 46-55, Other Profession

Rating Received:


If I were you dating this woman, I would not propose.

It's not cool for her to be THIS CLOSE to ANY MAN who is not YOU.

AND SPENDING THE NIGHT? REALLY? And getting angry and offended when her BOYFRIEND is upset?

Dude.

She's in love with this man. SOULMATE SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE in love with this man.

And you're just the consolation prize. He's not THAT WAY about her, so she's settling for YOU until he changes his mind.

You don't got a shot in hell man.

You need to have a long talk with YOURSELF about the REAL health of your relationship because you are in some deep deep denial if you can honestly say "everything is wonderful."

- Response by hnygrl, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Managerial

Rating Received:


I get your point, I wouldn't be happy either. NO matter how much i would trust and love my s/o. Still it are the last days for him and I know how difficult it to have to say goodbye to someone knowing you might never see him/her again. So I would just lay low for now. I do find it strange that she pulls the all nighters on you, but if she was like that ever since you two dated there isn't much you can say about it. Personally if I was her yes i would hang out with him alot in this situation but not till 5 am. About popping the question, I wouldn't. It might come across wrongly to her right now, and her mind isn't really on you right now. Wait a bit. That will give you the time to figure out if you can live with a wife who stays out with male friends all night, adress the issue after he left if you feel it neccesary, and it will give her time to deal with his departure as well. BEsides, if you two really love eachother there is no rush to get married... :) Take your time

- Response by susail, A Career Woman, Female, 26-28, Managerial

Rating Received:


I always take it as a red flag when someone disrespects me and then blames me for my reaction when I confront them. If she had said, I understand how you feel but I need you to trust me, that would be different, right?

This guy is taking advantage of her and whether she admits it to herself or not she is the fill-in girlfriend he is leaving behind right now. He may not be a threat to you but she clearly has strong feelings for him.

This is the wrong time to propose. You need to wait and talk this out after he's been gone a while.

- Response by maryea, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, New York, Retired

Rating Received:


The fact that she is spending the night at this guys house multiple times is a red flag. I would break up with her.

- Response by agent89201, A Sportif, Female, 18-21

Rating Received:


don't propose. she's cheating on you!!

- Response by girlpower08, A Sportif, Female, 36-45

Rating Received:


...dude, I think the only chance you've got is to sew bulls-eye targets on the backs of the shirts he's gonna wearing in that shithole desert war he's goin' to....

....then hope for....well, you know.

- Response by nameacarl, A Guy Critical, Male, Who Cares?, Oostende, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


wow..just wow..

- Response by michellekia, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, St.Louis, Other Profession

Rating Received:


I wasn't going to put an actual answer to this at first..because you seem to be ruled by emotions and not logic and will do whatever you want anyway. The issue here is not whether she is sleeping with him..which she probably is..it's the fact that you are her bf and you told her this makes you feel uncomfortable. People like her are not ready for serious relationships. You have to make a reasonable effort to make your s/o feel comfortable..as long as the request is reasonable..and this definately is a reasonable request.

- Response by michellekia, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, St.Louis, Other Profession

Rating Received:


I've been on the other side of this and I can tell you from my experience that you never hang out that much with a guy, even your bff, if you're not doing something a little fishy. I was dating a boyfriend for 3 years and my bff was a guy and I would hang out with him all the time and even crash on his couch when i was out late at the bar. i didnt mean for it to happen, but one thing lead to another and i did cheat. i regret it wholeheartedly but i can tell you that i should have recognized the danger signs earlier. By me hanging out with this guy all the time I was giving him the wrong idea and meanwhile i was takign my relationship for granted.

I think you and your gf should ahve a serious talk about her relationship with her BFF, whether hes going to afganistan or not.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Calgary, Student

Rating Received:


So ask yourself and maybe ask her: What if the situation were reversed and you were hanging with a female who was going off to a foreign land in the military and you were with her 24/7? What sort of trouble would you be in?

- Response by 1xtowerman, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Retired

Rating Received: