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How can I get fiance's family to support him in agreeing to move out of state with me? Am I wrong?
Family & Parenting / 7:06 PM - Friday February 03, 2012

How can I get fiance's family to support him in agreeing to move out of state with me? Am I wrong?

Im 22yrs. Fiance is 25. Been together for 6yrs. Have newborn & 4yr olds. My family moved from Ca. to OK 8yrs ago. We have NO other family here in OK, just each other. I'v lived with fiance 1yr. My parents & two younger brothers are selling home & moving back home to Ca. where ALL of our extended & closest friends live. I WANT US TO MOVE WITH THEM!! I can't be here, left alone without my extended family. We've been homesick for so long, and all of us just wanna go home. My fiance reluctantly agreed, saying he cant imagine leaving HIS family, but that he figures, HE could handle the situation better than i can. Yet still, every day, he makes comments about how *I* dont understand how hard this is for him, and how guilty he feels for taking his parents grandchildren away, etc. HIS dad wants to sit me down, and ask me what my LOGIC is in this, and how I can move to Ca. when their economy is so bad...

Update: February 04, 2012.
Milla, Wow, you totally get it....I guess because you can really relate. Thanks for all your input, all of you!

Update: February 04, 2012.
skyking, He has a decent job in OK,making 28k a year. He does have a Bachelors Degree, though. If *I* stay, then I as well, will only have him, his family, and the kids. It's the same, either way you look at it. Although, his family has more money, and does travel quite a bit, and take vacations...mine does not. Also, my mom is a huge help as babysitter, and quite regularly has the kids over, spending the night, etc. Same with my brothers, as they are still teenagers. Just nothing like a "girl" having HER "mom" closeby...ya know? Either way you look at it, ONE of us will be alone.....

Update: February 04, 2012.
Randyl, *I* actually didn't "choose/decide" to leave my birthplace, and extended family. My parents did. I was just about to turn 15 when we moved here. I have been with my fiance since I was 16 1/2. He just mentioned to me last night, that he's KNOWN all these yrs, that some day, I am going to want to move back, knowing how homesick me and my parents and siblings have been the passed few years. HE'S not complaining all that much, but his parents are, and I know how that makes him feel. It's like being between a rock and a hard place...either way, ONE of us is going to be alone. I have been here for almost 8yrs, wanting to go back. I would like to have a turn to be "home" with extended family and close friends again. We don't have the money to take even once a yr trips. His family travels quite a bit, and I'd hope that they'd come visit us...

- Asked by A Married Girl, Female, 36-45, Los Angeles, Teaching

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If I am understanding this situation correctly, it would be YOU asking HIM to leave his family and home that he has known his entire lifetime? He met you there and married you there and had his kids THERE.

Now only because YOU want to leave and follow YOUR changed mind, is he supposed to jump and be happy about it.

This is really a difficult issue. I am not taking sides, but only trying to get you to see how HE and his family must be taking this.

I would strongly consider other options to you, like visiting California once a year for family vacation time. But, I would really think long and hard about what you ask this man to give up for you. In the long run, it could ruin a marriage and break up a family.

Good luck with working this one out. I just remind you NOT to under-estimate the sacrafice you are asking from this man. He too loves his family and unlike you, he never made the decision to move away from his birthplace. But, now you are attempting to force him to do just that, without any complaining or regret on his part. :-(

- Response by randyl, A Married Girl, Female, 36-45, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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You will be better off closer to your family, especially having a newborn and 4 year old.

How much is his family really going to help you? What if you get sick and are in a jam?

Go be with your family. His parents can visit their grandchildren.

You "Taking their grandchildren"? Hello, by not moving you are doing the same to your parents, but either way that should not be what matters. You and your children will be better off if you are closer to your family, as your family will support you in parenting.

- Response by milla, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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Speaking as a mom raising a son far away from any family, it is hard.

Before anyone hacks me up, I didn't agree to stay here, the plan was we were moving back, then when I got pregnant I agreed to stay another year, then 6 more months, then when my patience was up he didn't want to move back and was just buying time. Luckily, he's finally looking for jobs back in the States, but it's become a major point of contention.

I can tell you that when I am near my family, it is 1000% easier to be a mom, just for simple logistics but also for sanity and having trusted parenting support, not to mention someone to care for you and help with the kids if and when you get ill. If you have great inlaws, it might be easier for you-but mine is a complete nut. I need to get an operation soon and am literally thinking of importing a friend for a few weeks to care for me, or pay someone to live in for a couple of weeks to help with my son durring the recovery. The MIL can't be counted on to care for my best interests, as far as she's concerned I could hurt myself post-op with the little one jumping on me, as long as he's happy... When you have your own family near by, you don't have to worry about those things.

- Response by milla, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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p.s.

Just that his dad is foing to "sit you down" is a red flag. They feel like they can intrude upon and dictate your life, and it will get worse. What is the point of him sitting you down to "understand your logic"? He wants to knock down your reasoning, convince you that what you and your fiance have agreed upon is wrong, and IF he miraculously agrees with you (Which he won't, because he already decided you're illogical), the move will be "allowed" under his approval because he is still in charge.

Get away while you can, intrusive controlling inlaws can be like poison.

Sorry, that's what his "sitting you down" to evaluate your logic sounds like to me. Be careful, or you'll be stuck with intrusive inlaws and no one else to help you. I had that for a long time, and put up with a lot of crap because of it, but finally decided the help just wasn't worth the stress, nor was help from someone whose parenting style I didn't approve of (safety, values etc.) something I want. MIL crossed the line a million times over because she knew I needed the help, a bad situation for me, finally I've stopped working and have a network of moms if I'm in a jam-something I wouldn't have needed had I been near my family.

Do what is best for you, your children and fiance. You can't be considering either set of grandparents in the equation.

- Response by milla, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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