Why should I have to compete with some strange woman for my man's attention?

I'm a top-of-the-line computer and a very attractive one, too (if I must say so myself). My man and I have spent most of his free time together for years. He's a cop and works night shift, so when he's home he likes relaxing with me.

Anyway, about three weeks ago he married this 26-28 year old female, and ever since that day the female's been hanging around our house like a puppy who needs to be taken for a walk.

At first I thought she didn't speak his language because she kept walking slowly behind him and touching the top of his head like it was his "start" button, but without making a sound.

Also, she takes off her protective carrying case (she removes all of her layers!) so we can see everything, and makes little noises so he'll ask if everything's okay. More than once, I've had to turn off my camera so our friends in other cities won't see her standing there and short-out from laughter.

But the strangest thing, by far, is that she waits for him to ask if she's okay, and then... she says "Yes, I'm fine!" Even though I don't have emotional sensitivity, I can tell she's not "fine." Plus, she's been staring at ME, as if I've done something differently, or as if I'm the one behaving oddly.

Meanwhile, I'm just doing what I've always done: been there, day and night, to provide comfort and company for my man.

I don't let my battery run down on purpose so I'll have an excuse to blame him for failing to charge me. I don't make beeping and booping sounds when he's in the middle of an important quest, just to be able to say "nothing's wrong!" I don't leak oil and goo all over the table that I share with him, causing my keyboard to get discolored and sticky so I'll look old and worn out before my time.

If she were even a little bit nice to me, I'd happily teach her how to make her man happy. It would give me a chance to relax if he had someone in his life (besides me) who cared about him, not just his bank balance but the man behind the credit score and social security number.

I'm going to give her one more week, and if she doesn't shape up by then I'm signing him up for match.com again. I found him one woman... no reason why I can't find him another one. Next time I'll make sure her motherboard isn't missing any crucial pieces *before* the wedding, instead of waiting until afterward to discover that we've made a big mistake.