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My boyfriend slept with his ex and he now wants forgiveness. What should I do?
Dating / 5:00 AM - Sunday November 13, 2011

My boyfriend slept with his ex and he now wants forgiveness. What should I do?

I am so heart broken and just dont know how to get over this. I have completely lost trust for him, but as crazy as it might sound, some part of me still loves him. He has just taken me for granted i guess. He says he is sorry and he will do anything earn back my trust for him but how is he going to do that? Can not seeing me for 2 months make him do that? Does it mean I'm bad in bed? Does it show that he doesnt care about my feelings and he doesnt respect me? Soo many things have happened and I forgave him, but dont know how to go about this one. How do I make him pay back for the pain and disappointments he's caused me? Pls help before I loose my mind. Deeply hurt!!

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 26-28

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You can love someone, but not like their actions. You also sound like a very forgiving person, and there is nothing wrong with that, up to a point.

He's slept with his ex. That alone would prompt most people to end the relationship. I suggest you take a good look at the relationship and what you are getting out of it.

This type of behaviour is also normally repetitive. If you stay with him, expect more of the same.

- Response by bluegenel, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, Who Cares?, Technical

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Community Rating: Community Star

A cheater is a cheater is a cheater! It doesn't matter who he cheated with. You are right about one thing. His act shows he has no respect for you. Dump him now to start the healing process. He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve better treatment than what he has shown you.
Hang in there. It will get better. RfR

- Response by richfromringgold, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Too Late, Honey... I think you've already loosed your mind.

- Response by fehkarfight, A Couch Potato, Male, 56-65, Who Cares?

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Is this really something you could see yourself getting over? If yes, then forgive him and make sure you do everything possible to make sure it doesn't happen again. If not, then break the relationship off and heal on your own.

- Response by lovedoctor90, A Guy Critical, Male, 22-25, Ottawa

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he gave you a gift ...he told you what he is all about ..this is what he does . this is what he has been doing all along ..this wont stop..question is . ho much of it are you going to take girls like it when they can sleep with an old boyfriend to make themselves feel better.remember she is an ex. for a reason,they like to conquer you too and they have ,,open your eyes they are not married for a reason....and he cheated on her baby run..get some self esteem before re dating ..he is a loser i promise he will keep doing this ..he has been all along

- Response by spoonerpurple, A Hippie Chick, Female, 56-65, New York, Self-Employed

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My guess is that this will be hard to forget. It might eat away at you bit by bit. It also sounds like you want revenge and want him to suffer like you did. So you are not ready to accept his apology. The ONLY way you could move on from this is to forgive and forget. But that is VER hard and I am not even sure he deserves it. If you take him back chances are you will be OK for a while, but then you will remember what he did and resentment will build up. Trust is very, very hard to earn back. If you were married or had children I would suggest counseling and trying to work through it, but I don't know if it will be worth it for you. You are young and probably have many other options. Why stick with a cheater? Your image of him is now tainted.

- Response by silver75, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Stockholm, Other Profession

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Before you decide to forgive him, remember that cheating is a behavior that is often repeated. (once a cheater, always a cheater) Also take a look at your past history with him. You say that you have forgiven him for many things in the past. Are you willing to spend much of you future forgiving him? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. He has a history of doing things that you have to forgive him for. Do you want to continue doing this? Wouldn't it be better, to find someone that doesn't do anything that needs to be forgiven for? What you decide to do is up to you, but remember that if you chose to forgive him, the issues you have had with him in the past, will be part of your future with him.

- Response by iamboo2, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Charlotte, Therapist

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You still love him? Give him another chance (to cheat on you and ask for forgiveness).

- Response by thetactician, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 26-28, Who Cares?

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There is no payback against the cheating person.Have some self esteem and self worth.Tell him to go to hell and move on. As long as you stay you will never get rid of the thought of him cheating.Payback is you finding some one who will treat you as you deserve to be treated.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Tampa, Who Cares?

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I've been a cheater. He needs to be dumped, to stop his cheating. if you don't leave him, Most likely not 100% but most likely he will cheat again.

and face it, can you get over it? really though? if you can, honestly get over it.. then by all means forgive. Maybe ask him to SHOW you , that you can trust him. Then you will forgive him.

either way, make sure you do whats best for you. I don't think he truly knows what he wants.. but i don't know.

- Response by justinclub22, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 29-35

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This is a breach of trust and a violation of your core values (respect and fidelity), and that is FATAL to a relationship.

Your choice it to accept it, which means you give up your right to be hurt and to hold it against him and that afterwards you can NEVER talk about it again, or

dump him.

Personally, I think self-respect requires that you DUMP HIM.

- Response by cd92835, A Career Man, Male, 46-55

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Forgiveness takes more than most people are willing to do. When someone like your boyfriend has sex with his ex, there is something wrong with your relationship. Do you have a long distance relationship? You said that he hasn't seen you in 2 months. That's a lifetime for a young man. Unless there's a permanent relationship progressing, ie marriage in the future, you're just dating and he's relatively free to screw who me wants. It would help if you knew that you're considering a permanent relationship. If he's a boy to pick up and put down when you're away or something superficial, then don't sweat the small stuff. Use this time to date other people. [It's a sure-fire way to see if he's serious about you.] To answer your question about him respecting you, he doesn't.

- Response by rhunt0210, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Other Profession

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You say "can not seeing me for 2 months make him do that?"

Are you in a long distance relationship? Why else would you not see him for 2 months?

Also, to answer your question, yes. Yes that would make him do that.

People aren't built to be alone. Leave a person alone long enough, and they seek other companionship.

You didn't do anything wrong, and I'm sure you're a great person, but this is a fact of life.

- Response by A Player, Female, 26-28, Who Cares?

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You know him better than we, but I would say let him go.
If he would do it once, he would do it again and again.
He disrespected you once.
What would keep him from doing it again?

- Response by flwoodpecker, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Other Profession

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Let him go, hon'. You've got to. Don't go back.

- Response by lightningpilot101, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 26-28, Baltimore, Artist / Musician / Writer

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You do NOT try to pay him back for the pain. You break up with him. That is what you do.

Trust and respect are more important for relationships, long term, than love.

I've been married 13 years. Trust me, there are days when I don't FEEL loving towards my husband, but I still give him my loyalty and respect and ACT loving, and he does the same for me. The love and passion always return. But, feelings ebb and flow - what keeps a marriage together is the commitment, the respect, the actions that show your commitment and respect, and the trust.

Now, if my HUSBAND cheated on me ONCE, I would do my best to forgive him and make the marriage work, because it's a MARRIAGE. When I was dating, however, I would never have forgiven a boyfriend.

So sorry, but you have not made a promise to stick with your bf through better or worse, and he has not made that commitment to you. If you let him cheat on you and you take it back, the message you are giving him - you are a doormat and you are Ok with being cheated on and abused.

If you want that kind of a relationship - well, it's your choice.

If you have any sort of self-respect - you will cut off all contact with him immediately. No calls, texts, emails, in-person meetings, etc. If you've got some of his stuff, mail it to him or his office. If he's got some of your stuff, ask a friend of yours to go get it. You don't need to see him again.

Take care of yourself - go off for the weekend with your best friend and give yourselves spa treatments, or lock yourself in your apartment with a box of kleenex, chocolates, sad love songs, or go stay with your Mom for a few days, or go out drinking with your friends - whatever will help you deal with the emotions.

Until you no longer feel love for this guy, avoid him. Move on with your life.

- Response by curvysmartgirl, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Dallas, Artist / Musician / Writer

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First I say, "You are in a position of power over-him, Female!" You aren't the one at-fault, not in _any_ way. (He is.)

Consider doing a Time Out. Should you Ache to be with him any, you should find a way to reconcile. But should you _not_ ache to be with him, dump him! Best of Fortune to you!

(Female, please don't fall into the trap of Wanting Revenge. Revenge would escalate & be hard to stop.)

- Response by iamback, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Charlotte, Other Profession

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Serial monogamy sucks. Polygamy is so much better for everyone.

He obviously liked his ex and enjoyed sex with her before he met you. Now he likes you, but it doesn't mean he has no feelings of enjoyment for her. It has nothing to do with you being "bad in bed." But she's not "bad in bed" either. It doesn't mean that he "doesn't care about my feelings."

Instead of jealousy and feeling "hurt" perhaps you should be supportive and loving that he is enjoying life.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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it is not as bad as if he would have slept with someone new as he had her before so I think u could give him the benefit of the doubt after u get even that is

- Response by bigcurt, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Pittsburgh, Self-Employed

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