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Why am I so paranoid about something that isn't happening?
Dating / 11:28 AM - Friday November 11, 2011

Why am I so paranoid about something that isn't happening?


I've been dating my boyfriend for over three years now. And I am SO paranoid that he's cheating on me even though I know he's not. The paranoia forces me to look through his text messages, call history, and even listen to all the voice mails in his phone. I look at internet history after he rarely uses my laptop, and I always think the worst when he's gone from home.

I KNOW he's not cheating on me. He's never given me any reason to think he was, nor have I found anything with all my snooping, that makes me feel guilty.
I beat myself for thinking any of it, but my mind won't stop.
I don't know what to do, or why I think it. Please tell me anything that you think may help :/

P.S I KNOW the snooping is wrong.

- Asked by Female, 18-21

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You are insecure and you have problems trusting people.

But you DO realize that your feelings of distrust don't really "force" you to snoop, or to do anything actually, right?

You act like you have no control over your own actions, and that's an irresponsible way to live your life. Just because you *feel* something, doesn't mean you have to ACT on it.

Getting over feelings of insecurity and trust issues is a complicated problem and professional counseling is the best way to do that. But in the meantime, just STOP SNOOPING. You KNOW he's not cheating, right? Then QUIT ACTING LIKE HE IS. You may not be able to stop your *feelings* but you can CERTAINLY *choose* to not follow up on them. Next time you feel like snooping, just don't. Stop copping out and saying your feelings "force" you to act that way - they don't. You're CHOOSING to act that way. Your brain says your boyfriend is faithful. Listen to your brain - NOT your feelings.

- Response by justpassingthru, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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Community Rating: Community Star

You can't control your emotions, but you CAN control your actions.

If you know snooping is wrong, then DON'T DO IT.

You act like you're a slave to your whims with no backbone or self control.

You're better than that, and you know it!

- Response by A Player, Female, 26-28, Who Cares?

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It seems as though you're sabotaging your relationship. Perhaps you need to go to therapy to figure out why you don't believe you deserve to be happy, why you don't trust and why you're trying to sabotage your otherwise happy relationship. Good luck.

- Response by luckyinkentucky, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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It seems as if you are looking for a way out so you can meet different guys.

- Response by lady_kryptonite, A Thinker, Female, 26-28

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You need to stop doing something you know is unfounded and wrong. You're insecure and paranoid for a reason. And, since you have no basis in this relationship for feeling this way, all I can say is you have to seek professional help for it. Because, continuing the way you are, will do nothing but make you miserable in great relationships and make great people miserable! You will destroy every relationship you have by continuing this behavior.

It's been three years, is the fact that you two aren't married yet, why you feel so paranoid? I'm not saying you have to get married or even that you want to get married. I certainly think you're too young for that. But, you are the classic example of the type of person who should never get into a relationship until whatever issues you have are resolved. Because, you cannot accept a man that truly loves you. You cannot accept that someone could feel you're so worth it and love you. You cannot accept that a man would truly be satisfied with a woman like you.

These are low self-worth, and low self-esteem issues. You don't truly love yourself. So, you can't understand how someone else could. You don't TRULY know if your boyfriend cheats or not. You only know from your snooping that it doesn't appear that he's cheating. And, if there is no behavior or evidence, you have to believe and trust your boyfriend. Something you're not willing to do. You are driving yourself nuts obsessing over this.

Which lead me to believe you don't have much else going on in your life. Your time is consumed hunting for evidence that doesn't exist. This is a sickness sweetie. You already know this. But, there is nothing more any of us strangers can tell you, but to seek help or live a very miserable life. There are people going through hell in relationships. And, here you have a good one, and you choose to live as if you're going through hell. Why?

Why are you torturing yourself mentally? Please seek psychological help. Because there is something deeper going on than just your insecurity and paranoia. Good luck.

- Response by thelovedovefor1, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Atlanta, Who Cares?

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At your age, most people are going out, meeting as many other new people as they can, not tying themselves to just one "for over three years". You're struggling to find an excuse to dump your guy so YOU can get out and meet new people, and if he won't give you an excuse, sooner than later, you'll cheat on him and dump him anyway.

- Response by chesterdad, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, San Francisco

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Eighteen to twenty one years old; I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're the oldest age of 21.

Now, let's cut the sh** and get serious: WHY ARE YOU WITH THIS BOYFRIEND?

The purpose of dating is to find a prospective marriage mate to do everything with, not a convenient "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" at one's every selfish beck and call.

If, then, you are 21 years old and you've been dating this "boyfriend" as a prospective marriage mate for three years, WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM AND HE'S NOT MARRIED YOU YET?

So, boyfriend has not married you after three years of dating you as a statement of his lack of true love for you and faith and belief in your union, yet you don't know how to speak truth and express your disappointment or even anger with him here or speak truth and stand up for your own heart here: "Dear, we've been dating as prospective marriage mates for three years now, and you appear nowhere near interested in that inevitability--and so, I'd like to know what are your intentions with me and for us? Where have you seen us going these three years?"

In this lacking on YOUR part to be as equally true to YOU as he's failed to be with him, have I not put my finger right on the cause of your LACK OF TRUST in him and paranoid fear he's been cheating on you with other girls/women as an explanation for his apparent complacence with your three years of dating-going-nowhere-fa st, as to this cause, you are tearing up the house, so to speak, snooping like Snoop Dogg wanting a Piece of Master gansta style poring through his text messages, voice mails, calls and Internet history looking for evidence to support three years of suspicion?

Well, baby, it's time for you to get Rhythit Gangsta-style and "Drop It Like It's Hot" 2004/2011, which is it! Drop all the truth in your heart out to this "piece" of a "boyfriend" of three years taking you nowhere fast" as to what are his intentions with you, and do it "master"-fully as to get all the truth of his feelings and faith and belief in you as prospective wife out of HIS heart. If then, he does not want, nor has any intention ever of marrying you as a statement he's been complacent with you these three years because he truly doesn't give a sh**, then, you can "Drop Him Like He's Hot" and cease all this hurting of your OWN heart and sensibilities!

You're welcome!

- Response by thedaimler2006, An Alternative Girl, Female, 56-65, Atlanta, Self-Employed

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You knwo that every ime you do something like this youa re pretty much admitting your own guilt in cheating or wanting to cheat. It is called projection. You think you will cheat or have cheated and projectthat on to everyone else due to your guilt. It is even more obivous in this case in that you admit he gives you no reason to think that way,but you are obsessed with it. When you do this you are pretty much screaming "I am a cheater or I have the tendency to do so."

- Response by juandontbeg, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Self-Employed

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I'm never been to therapy, but I hear it helps this type of stuff. If it is really bothering you that much, go talk to someone that has an unbiased opinion.

- Response by girlnextdoor1687, A Hippie Chick, Female, 26-28, Other Profession

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Have you been cheated on before? Either you are insecure because of a previous relationship ...or...you have reasons you didn't explain for worrying about it...do girls hit on him a lot..do u find him looking??? Do you feel you don't deserve his good Behavior because you're looking at his history ? I think its acceptable yo say...I'm feeling insecure and id like to talk about it!

- Response by imreal37, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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What the hell did your parent do to you to make you like this? That's the key to why you are so insecure, hate yourself and feel all men are cheaters.

You need therapy/counseling to overcome this.

- Response by msadvise, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Transportation

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This sort of behavior will drive you crazy and will eventually drive him away. Unfounded jealousy and paranoia many times is a result of feeling insecure. The people I know who deal with these emotions seem to struggle with feeling less worthy and less valubale than their significant other...so he/she is always on the look out for when his/her partner finds someone "better". My advice, stop thinking about him and what he is (or isn't) doing, and start focusing on you. Get out and do things that make you feel better and more valuable. Set some personal goals and acheive them, or perhaps get counseling. If you fill up your time doing things that make you feel better about yourself, you will have much less time and inclination to worry incessantly about what your boyfriend might be doing. In the mean time, stop snooping...if you continue to snoop and get caught, it will have horrible ramifications on your relationship.

- Response by kins, A Sportif, Female, 36-45

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You are either very insecure or a control freak. The problem now is that you are re-inforcing your fears every time you betray your boyfriend by snooping. Each time you snoop your fear of betrayal grows stronger because you have betrayed him. Each time you look him in the eye with a secret in your heart your fear that he is doing the same to you grows stronger.

You can and must stop snooping. You don't need to snoop to know if he's cheating. You may know sooner but you will know anyway if that day ever comes. You will know a liar when you see one because you are one.

The problems with cheating is the lying, the lying by omission, the guilt and the cover up. The problems with snooping are the same. These problems become obvious soon enough, they don't remain hidden.

Ask yourself what would happen to you if you found out your boyfriend was cheating. Would you survive? If the answer is yes, it would hurt but I would survive, then cut it out before you ruin your relationship for good. Stop self-sabotaging and acting in ways that will end your relationship before your boyfriend ever gives a thought to cheating. Start showing him the respect he deserves. You can do that.



- Response by maryea, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Retired

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