Back to Active Questions

Active Questions

Should you date someone going through a divorce?
Dating / 11:03 AM - Wednesday September 14, 2011

should you date someone going through a divorce?

I have been kind of seeing a guy and I really like him.. but he has some baggage.

He is seperated from his wife of 15 years and he has a daughter. They are very early in the process and wont be able to file for divorce for another year.. then it will take a year after that before it is final.

It is going well at times and not so well at other times with the ex..

Part of me wants to wait until he is divorced. I feel like he is not single until then...

Thoughts???

- Asked by Female, 29-35

Read more about the Rating System


Don't date him. You're an emotional crutch for him now while he's in a bad time.
My rule is a person should be divorced for at least a year and have all of their legalities (support, custody, alimony, etc) worked out before I could consider dating them.

They have to go through all of the 'stages' of a divorce: legally, emotionally, mentally, financially, etc. I don't need to be in middle of the drama's as they unfold. I am not into 'rescuing' people or being their light in the darkness. While they may appreciate and bond deeply as a result of their need, when that need is gone due to healing and resolution, so is the main purpose of the relationship and what's left is often not worth having.

- Response by thottienc, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Date? Sure. Expect anything to develop long term? No.

You're going to invest in someone that isn't stable. And unless you have a child, you're not going to have the ability to accept the realities of being a parent.

Find another guy.

- Response by inotnuts, A Father Figure, Male, 36-45, Newark, Retired

Rating Received:

Community Rating: Community Star

I understand that you like this guy but there are some things you need to make sure of before going forward with this relationship. First of all, some men will lie about getting divorced in an effort to cheat on their wives. A simple way to determine if he actually is in the process of getting a divorce or not is to request to meet his "soon to be ex-wife". If he's agreeable to this, chances are he's on the level and being honest. If he isn't, guard your heart and seriously consider breaking it off immediately for chances are that he's not really working on his divorce as he claims.

There are ups and downs in any relationship, marriage, or divorce so that's pretty commonplace. Now comes the legal part. In this first year before he can file for a divorce, anyone that he sees is in a sense considered cheating by the courts. That in turn leaves you open to be sued by his wife for "alienation of affection". The fact that you came into the picture after they decided to get a divorce won't matter. What the courts consider is everything that happens before they file. The filing is a legal separation of sorts and allows him the privilege of seeing others without ramifications.

I think you are wise to wait until he's divorced. You are very accurate in saying that he's not single until then because he's not. You also might want to use part of that time between now and then monitoring the situation between him and his ex. Also, ask yourself exactly how much baggage you can handle a man that you are with having. This is the perfect time to iron these decisions out without fear of hurting his feelings as badly as it will if you stay with him until he's divorced and then back out. Best of luck to you both.

- Response by luv4mypetz, An Engaged Girl, Female, 46-55, Home Maker

Rating Received:


Realistically, you are the rebound. The likelyhood of the two of you ending up together is small. This however doesnt mean you cant date, it just means if you are going to date him, it should be because you enjoy spending time with him and are not looking towards the future. One of the most dangerous thought patterns women tend to get into when dating is the "is there a future" mindset. By living in the future you are placing alot of demands and stresses on yourself and the relationship that are completely unnecessary. Live in the moment, and the future will take care of itself. Evaluate what it is you really want; to be happy and enjoy life now, or worry about the future. If you are really at a point in your life where you want to settle down and start a family, choosing a man in the process of a divorce is not a good move.

- Response by spiritdude, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Denver, Therapist

Rating Received:


You are his "rebound". Don't get too attached.

- Response by roaminginsomniac, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Law Enforcement

Rating Received:


Very simple. Just ask him to introduce you to his wife. If he refuses then he ISN'T divorced or working on a divorce. If he delays in anyway, shape or form, even the slightest of arguments should prompt you to run like all hell.

- Response by 7zebras, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, New York, Financial / Banking

Rating Received:


thoughts are, why do you want to be involved with someone who comes with baggage?

- Response by jackstraw, A Life of the Party, Male, 36-45, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


"They are very early in the process and wont be able to file for divorce for another year.. then it will take a year after that before it is final."

Oh, really? Why can't they even file for another whole year? I call bullshit. I'd dump this one before you get too involved.

- Response by piscesrising, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Boston, Internet / New Media

Rating Received:


Everybody has baggage, previous issues that are less than ideal, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't give them a try. If he's separated and intends on divorcing his wife, he is, as far as makes no difference, single. My parents separated about 4 years ago which the intention of getting divorced, and no intention of reconciliation. About a year and a half ago, my mom started dating a guy. I don't see anything wrong with this. Good luck :)

- Response by rockerking, A Creative, Male, 26-28, Ottawa, Artist / Musician / Writer

Rating Received:


There's something wrong in Denmark..I have never heard of or seen a Divorce take as long as you claim he states it will take. If I was you I would look up the divorce laws in your state or contact legal aide to be positive about just how long a divorce is supposed to take. I really believe He is trying to have his cake and Extra Frosting on the side. Check the laws regarding divorce and confront him about it if it is not like he told you.

- Response by funnyman4you, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 66 or older

Rating Received:


No. Divorce is a difficult process to go through and rebound relationships rarely work. He needs to end one relationship before jumping into another.
Wait until he is free. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Maybe she just meant they had to wait a year to "finalize" the divorce after legal separation. Female, 26-28, the lawyer is right. As for baggage, you're barely scratching the surface at this point in the game. I would take a deep breath and walk away. You will be so glad you did.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental

Rating Received:


Two years is a long time.I would wait until it is closer to the time of the devorce.Then you know he is truly done with her.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Tampa, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


well you arent exactly getting the truth are you.,..hes a LIAR!!!!

- Response by boxer1, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


Part of you is right, he is not single until then.

Dating a man who is still married is just plain stupid.
You are only asking for heartbreak and trouble.



- Response by A Career Man, Male, 46-55

Rating Received:


I'm calling bullshit on this one. It doesn't take a year to file, maybe a year to sort through all the bullshit but he can file tomorrow and get things rolling. Sounds to me like he is trying to pull the wool over your eyes here. You are the rebound chick, the one that will be there to comfort him through his divorce and once he's a single man he will want the freedom that come with it. There is no way in hell I would date a man who is still married and until the papers are signed this is exactly what he is i.e. a married man! I say RUN!

- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


I feel you are right. He's not single until he's divorced. I don't care how separated or "in the process of a divorce" they are. If he can't marry you today without being considered a bigamist, he IS still married! Adultery is just that, having sex with a person that is married to someone else. That is simply the truth. No matter how many ways you slice it. Be friends with no intimacy, until he has truly ended this marriage. That's my advice.

- Response by thelovedovefor1, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Atlanta, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


I think it depends on your take of the situation... is it so far gone that there is no chance for a reconciliation? If so.. supporting him during this time is a nice thing to do... because it is sheer emotional torture at times and many people can get to feeling super low... If you feel like you need to wait until he is officially done and that makes you feel more proper because you see him as officially still "married".. then I can make sense of that and how you would feel like that.. just tell him that, and be his friend during the process..... I would just tell him how you feel and what you need to feel respected and right about it all... just be honest... it's always best to be... let him know he can count on you for support and if you are willing then give it time to develope... I wish you both well.. because relationships can be hard these days... hang tough and wishing you a lifetime og wonder and love in the future with him...

- Response by timeforanoverhaul, A Father Figure, Male, 36-45, Managerial

Rating Received:


Run! Do not look back..you will see why..lol

- Response by michellekia, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, St.Louis, Other Profession

Rating Received:


good luck...

- Response by osieboo, A Thinker, Female, 56-65

Rating Received: