Back to Home

Active Questions

Should a woman tell a man she wants to date other men?
Dating / 1:42 PM - Monday July 04, 2011

Should a woman tell a man she wants to date other men?

I'm new to the dating world was married a long time. I'm seeing a guy who says he likes me but I see him once a month. In the beginning he was putting effort in keeping in touch lately he's pulled back and the calls are less. He claims he's busy with work and other activities. If call him, he won't answer his phone. A friend of mine advised me to speak to him and find out what we're doing. She also said I should tell him if he's not ready, no pressure to make it official but to let hom know I'm going to explore other options, meaning start dating. In my opinion, it's not right to tell a man there's another man. Maybe I'm too old fashioned. I like this guy alot but I don't want to be taken advantage of either. Thank you! Happy July 4th to all!

- Asked by A Life of the Party, Female, 46-55, New York, Who Cares?

Read more about the Rating System


It's called "plate spinning" and it's named after the stage act where you juggle plates spinning on sticks. The last one that doesn't crash is the keeper.
Since your guy hasn't shown particular interest in you, it's perfectly reasonable to line up other prospects. You don't need to tell him anything, since he isn't calling you anyway. If he does ask, it's perfectly reasonable to be honest.

- Response by chesterdad, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, San Francisco

Rating Received:

Community Rating: Community Star

A man who only 'deems' to see you once a month isn't a boyfriend, ergo, you don't have to tell him anything.

If you do as your friend suggests, you will only make a fool of yourself. He clearly doesn't care if you are seeing someone else or not. If he did, he would be trying to 'fill up your dance card' early and often.......

Cut your losses, move on......

- Response by selectivegirlsdna, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Montreal, Managerial

Rating Received:


If you're looking for someone to share your life with you don't have time to waste on a guy who doesn't call, doesn't answer, is too busy, you only see once a month.

And to be fair, you do tell him you're going to date others since he doesn't have enough time for you and you're looking for someone who wants to see you frequently.

You're not telling him there is "another man", per se. You're telling him that you're being above board honest about what you're looking for and that with this very casual and nonexclusive attempt at a relationship with him, you're not going to sit around waiting for him to make more time for you.

- Response by msadvise, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Transportation

Rating Received:


Tell him, "I'm not ready to settle down with one man yet."

But never talk about other men.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

Rating Received:


Just tell him you want break up. He ask why and you explain it to him and who knows maybe he will beg you to stay and you will see him more than you use too I am sure he could find time for you than..

- Response by twilightzone85, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 29-35, Milwaukee, Food Service

Rating Received:


First of all, who gave you this advice? another woman? you don't need to have a talk with him because he's not going to be honest with you anyway, nor do you owe him an explanation that you're dating other people if you're not exclusive. his actions are showing you where his mind is at. any guy who slowly drops off with calls, doesn't answer the phone or takes hours/days to call you back and sees you once a month and then using the busy excuse is too much of a p@#!y to tell you he's not interested. when men aren't interested or met someone else they slowly drop off the face of the earth and then stop calling altogether, leaving you wondering what happened. do yourself a favor and move on..this is a dead end.

- Response by ebm3, A Trendsetter, Female, 36-45, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


Your friend is giving you good advise.I would not wait around for him to find time for you.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Tampa, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


You see this dude once a month? yeah, tell him you are going to be seeing other people...why wait so long for fun?

- Response by englishrose4945, A Life of the Party, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Alternative Medicine

Rating Received:


It's not cheating if he's not keeping in touch! Once a month? Just says he "likes" you? Too busy with work and other activities?

This is what a man says when he doesn't want to hurt your feelings because you are truly a nice person, thinks of you as a friend only, and wishes you'd just quit contacting him. He's not contacting you much because he's contacting others; and even if he's not, he's still not keeping in touch with you daily, or several times a day, even, like someone who's stuck on you. If he doesn't call you his girlfriend to others, either, that means you're NOT, and he's not interested in making you one, at the rate he's going.

No need to have an embarrassing conversation that is totally unnecessary! You just start dating others. Period. The next time he calls, if ever, you might just drop dead from shock; or you can go out, if he wants to go and you're not already busy.

The guy who loves you tells you every detail about work, how crazy the schedule is on the deadline he's trying to meet, but can you work in dinner on Saturday, at about 7, when his (whatever) is complete? He'll say he's crazy about you and will make it up to you later. Even if he comes over to your place after work because you offered to make dinner, so he makes his deadline, or microwaves two dinners at his place with a bottle of wine, (whatever), they WORK you IN. He wouldn't want you to find someone else who will make time for you.

It's not about plate juggling; it's about trying to find a great fit between two people who each already have lives, and the other person would fit well into their life, and they truly want to make time for each other in those lives. If you don't have that kind of thinking, you need to get there.

And when you're finding the right fit for you, make sure he makes you laugh. Fifty years is a long damn time to be with someone who doesn't laugh at the same stuff.


- Response by naiveladyquestions, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

Rating Received:


It's not about you having someone else on the side or playing games. It's about expecting honesty and respect from him and giving him the same consideration. It sounds to me like he's seeing other people. Find out and make a decision about the relationship.

- Response by lovesblind, A Creative, Female, 36-45, New York, Managerial

Rating Received:


sorry to say but if he isn't answering his phone or initiating phone calls to you sounds like maybe he is seeing someone else as well or he is just not interested anymore...

telling him that there is
another man is just a form
of childish manipulation on
your part....grow up and
move on

- Response by stencil, A Creative, Female, 46-55, New York, Artist / Musician / Writer

Rating Received:


HE might just want casual sex from time to time and you fill the void!!


- Response by i124q, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


You should not have to tell him. Since you see him once a month...you are fair game...
who sid it is not ethical to tell another man you want to see another when you are not a couple...
Maybe it will encourage him to see you more of'en

- Response by mobysdick, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Well, it appears this man you like a lot has lost interest in you. So, I don't think it's necessary to tell this guy much of anything about your life. Being busy is no excuse for not getting back with someone you were interested in and who has tried to contact you. You're not asking him to call you every day/all day. I can't think of anyone that isn't busy sometimes.

But, you make time for someone you're truly interested in at least a few times. Usually, when you hear this type of excuse from the person who like someone who isn't showing much interest as in the beginning. His saying he likes you means nothing. Anyone can do that. His actions and how he respond to you is what should matter.

If you're in a casual relationship, you should already know the possibility of meeting someone else you're attracted to or interesting is there. He doesn't sound like a guy that believes you two were serious enough to have discussions about seeing other people. I think he like you, and you two have went out once a month.

I can't see a serious relationship forming from once a month dating. I can bet busy or not this guy is dating other women. So, I think you should just leave the door open for dates with him, and continue leaving your options open. You don't have to tell a man who seemingly is ignoring you anything. You can be old-fashioned.

But, that doesn't mean you can't see other people if this guy isn't reacting to you like he is interested. You will not be taken advantage of if you don't allow yourself to get taken advantage of. It's that simple. Don't get emotionally invested in a man that can't even invest one off day or weekend of his time to you. Why should you have to tell him there's no pressure for an official relationship?

You just live your life and enjoy getting to know this man without any pressure. Otherwise, you might leave yourself open to be misunderstood. He might believe that you will be satisfied with any type of relationship where there's no commitment. Then, you end up griping about how long the relationship has been going on, and whether or not it's going anywhere. Don't say it if you don't mean it. IJS Good luck anyway, with whatever way you choose to handle this.

- Response by thelovedovefor1, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Atlanta, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


You took the wind out this fellow's sails when you told him you were seeing other men. Still, that's your prerogative, especially if you are only seeing this fellow once a month. He needs to be more committal to you. I think he will shape up and pay more attention to you.

- Response by betterbird, A Creative, Male, 46-55, San Francisco, Administrative

Rating Received:


Sometimes some men disappear for a while. Some of them told me that they were hurt before and are being cautious. I date a few men at a time. I am not going to sit and wait for them. I usually tell them that I am meeting with other people. At first I was reluctant saying that, worried that tell will leave. But actually it makes them more interested. Not everyone though. Some want me to only date them without even finding out more about them first. I just think that's a form of control. Men usually like a healthy competition. In your case, I would leave him alone and date other people. He might come back later. Just don't wait for him. Men are so easy and at the same time so complicated.

- Response by psychologybabe, A Creative, Female, 29-35, New Orleans, Artist / Musician / Writer

Rating Received:


People make time for what is important to them. You don't seem to be putting much effort into this either.

- Response by A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Technical

Rating Received:


Dating is about getting to know people during times of companionship while enjoying activities of mutual interest. It doesn't make you obligated to anyone else. That comes when two people agree verbally that they are willing to engage in a reciprocal committed relationship. You are free to date anyone you choose to. And you have no real right or reason to have any type of "conversation" with this man who you date very infrequently. In fact you should choose to date several or more people and make it clear that you aren't jumping into a committed relationship for the time being. Enjoy going out with people and leave the pressure tactics by the wayside. They never really work to do anything other than alienate people.

- Response by joybird, A Hip Hop Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


If she is or intends to date other people, then yes, she should let it be known.

I don't know why it is in these modern times that everybody expects instant exclusivity. A man is derided as a "Player" if he dates more than one woman.

It's before my time, but I think in the 50's or so, you were free to go out with whoever asked you that day and you could take one person to a movie one week and somebody else the next.

What happened to that?

I think that one thing that changed it is that it's just taken for granted that dating means having sex. Now, if you ask a woman out, she has to decide whether or not she wants to have sex with you at any time in the future. Forget dating and getting to know people, it's all about bumping uglies.

- Response by alecsmart1, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Celebrity

Rating Received:


OK... some of these answers are ridiculous.. but here is the truth from a man now dating for 9 years after 25years of marriage. If the man is not calling you everyday and persuing you, it means you are just a friend or a booty call... nothing more nothing less... you NEVER tell a man you are going to date others.. .YOU JUST DO IT.. you sound pathetic and desperate if you tell a man your going to date others. The long and the short of it is... HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU... so keep dating, dating is suppose to be fun, the rule in this day and age is... you keep dating around to learn more about who you are as a single person now, and learn about others, there is no such thing anymore as a dating one person (whether you are had sex or not) unless you actually have the EXCLUSIVE TALK.. this is your dating 101 lesson for the day. My rule is to date someone for at least 6months as FRIENDS (sex or no sex) until we decide to take this to the next level, and we NEVER talk about others we are dating NEVER, NEVER, NEVER nor about past relationships.. NEVER.. dating is fun, when its not fun.. you move on to the next, no trying to work things out..at the first red flag, you move on... thats the dating mentallity, those that try to fix things, have the marriage mentality, when your married, you work things out, no matter how bad.. when your dating... you RUN at the first red flags, and discuss yellow flags... THIS GUY has already determined, your JUST A FRIEND.. LOVE YA...

- Response by movingcurrent, A Career Man, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

Rating Received: