Thank you for your many years of support. We want to share the news with you that after much consideration, will cease operations in its present format on October 15th. We appreciate your meaningful contributions over the years.
Back to Home

Active Questions

Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually attracted to a woman, but not physically attracted to her...
Sex & Intimacy / 5:39 AM - Sunday July 03, 2011

Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually attracted to a woman, but not physically attracted to her...

This is my dilemma. I'll just cut straight to the chase here. We're both 28 years old. I've known her for almost 4 years now. She has always been a somewhat close friend, and we pretty much have the same ideology on 99 percent of all issues and topics. We post the same type of things on face book. We believe the same things in regards to spirituality. Even my best guy friend described her as being 'WONDERFUL.' I agree with that assertion. The woman is amazingly awesome.

But... I'm simply just not attracted to her physically. And to be even more blunt about it, I have never seen her as more than a close friend since we met. I'm just wondering if I should give her a chance anyways, or if I'm playing with fire here. BE AS BRUTALLY HONEST WITH ME AS POSSIBLE. I do not want to hurt her, she is a really good person (A RARE PERSON AT THAT), and I want her as my friend always. But is it unrealistic of me to see her as anything more than that?

Update: July 03, 2011.
Thanks for all of your responses. I've noticed the trend with the women responding to be different from the males here. Women seem to connect their overall attraction through how they are feeling, whereas men are more subjective in that they categorize one quality from another. I hate it so much that I am not attracted to her physically. Not only that, but I guess my mind has just categorized her as nothing more than a 'FRIEND' since we met in 2007, so she sort of feels more like kin to me at this point. I have thoroughly thought this through, and I keep wondering if I get with her, will I even desire to kiss her, hold her, and subsequently make love to her. It's honestly a hard task to bring myself to think of her like that. I would not want to do anything to hurt her, and I would hope that if she was with a guy, he would be attracted to her and love her in every way possible. But the fact remains is, she has it goin' on in every other category, but when it comes to my passion for her physically, it's ZILCH. I wonder if she is my soul mate, and if God is testing me. But then again, I wonder if God has made her physically unattractive to me, just so that I would not be tempted to pursue her, since she is not the ONE for me. I'm really not sure. In terms of spirituality, mental capacity, etc.. she is one of the most rock solid women I've ever met. It's rare that I meet any woman with a sound stable mind like hers. Her cognitive and comprehension skills surpass many of my male friends. She's very compassionate. Everything you'd want in a wife to make your life happy. I even find myself comparing other women to her in these areas, and no woman can compete with her in this way (except much older women). I guess I will just have to talk with her, and see what she thinks. I won't bring up the fact that I'm unattracted to her, but I will make it known that I am having a hard time seeing her as anything more than a friend. I may do another update a few days or weeks from now on what has transpired. Thanks again all.

- Asked by markusseven77, A Jock, Male, 29-35

Read more about the Rating System

I don't think you should go for her right now, it will show that it's forced. Maybe u just need sometime to see her in a different perspective. Maybe u should spend more time with her just to see if your feelings will change. If ur feelings don't change, it's probably best to stay just friends.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Other Profession

Rating Received:

If you are NOT physically attracted to her, it's not going to happen. Men cannot GROW physical attraction to a woman. We either like what we see or we don't, and no amount of personality can make up for it. I think that if you try to force something like this, it leads to straying later on. And, when you're out with her, you're probably looking around at other women you find more attractive. Right?
Keep her as a friend, but if you try to make it more, I think you'll lose her as a friend, and it will be a lot of trouble.

- Response by awsum1, A Life of the Party, Male, Who Cares?, Chicago

Rating Received:

Community Rating: Community Star

I think that if the physical attraction hasn't developed after 4 years, its not going to. :(

Be thankful that you have an amazing friend, and look elsewhere for a relationship. Good luck! :)

- Response by mamom04, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 56-65, Phoenix

Rating Received:

You are smart to know attraction is a big part of a relationship.Enjoy your friendship with her and you will find some one you have a deep attraction to.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Tampa, Who Cares?

Rating Received:

if u 'want' to be physically attracted to her, change ur view. all the other stuff that u think is wonderful about her will change ur view. i wasn't all that attracted to my bf at first, i mean he was far from ugly, but just wasn't someone i would find hot in a bar setting. but as we hung out, i got more attracted, now i think he's the hottest sexiest guy ever!!! but its up to u, if u just want to be friends, so be it, is she trying to get with u in a sexual way? if so, just tell her that u prefer to be friends. but, besides the attraction, she sounds like she could be ur true soul mate.

- Response by nicky711, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

Rating Received:

The question IS if she wants you more than friends?, if she does feel the same way then let's talk Babe

Women can grow attraction toward a man if he is an awesome guy and cares about her and treats her the world, he becomes more attractive her eyes. Since most men are visual, *before* and *after* is even more important to men to get his balls rolling with a woman. I would say, since you already thought about it and if you're an ordinary man then just be her friend and looking for the package that you want.


- Response by azianchemistry, A Player, Female, 46-55, San Francisco, Who Cares?

Rating Received:

...sometimes, love can come softly!

- Response by kismet331, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

Rating Received:

Now is not the right time. Who knows if this time next year you might see her in a new light, or meet a woman who fits neatly into your heart as well as your bed.

It might be worth considering why you do not find her attractive though, as this will affect the liklihood of you ever finding her attractive (e.g. if she's very skinny and you like larger women she might put weight on over time etc etc).

- Response by alex86, A Hippie Chick, Female, 29-35

Rating Received:

So how/why has the question even come up? Is she making noises about getting horizontal with you? If yes, then say you love your friendship so much that you want to keep it and if she isn't giving you signals then don't worry about it....

- Response by englishrose4945, A Life of the Party, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Alternative Medicine

Rating Received:

I agree with Awsum1. The attraction is not going to come. I have a friend married to a great woman right now and yet he does not have the factor of burning attraction for her and it's becoming evident. I don't know how long it'll be before he strays but he's in that battle right now of looking at more attractive Women even though he really likes and loves his wife. She is a good person and he had solid logical reasons for marrying her but that's not always enough.

In my experience IF attraction was going to grow it would have before now. For example, I've met guys who at first I considered borderline unattractive. Through being around them, within a month or so, the attraction grew and their physical appearance became less noticeable and the spark of attraction was from their personality, sense of humor, energy, etc. Now keep in mind, even in those cases it wasn't bone-jumping attraction physically but it was enough to make a solid go of a relationship if I wanted one. Plus I'm a Woman so physical isn't as important to me. It would be harder for this to happen with a Man.

So sure attraction can grow but it doesn't take it 4 years and it's absolutely necessary to have it in a relationship. I would leave this as a friendship.

- Response by thottienc, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

Rating Received:

Unfortunately if the chemistry isn't there even knowing her very well for the past 4 years, it doesn't sound like it's going to happen since you consider her in the close friend zone. You said you can't even imagine her as your mate but more like a relative.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

Rating Received:

If you are not physically attracted to her I'd stay away from trying to establish a romantic relationship with her. Because to do that and it not to pan out would end your friendship for sure. If you want her to remain in your life as a friend then keep that way. I know they say friends make the best lovers and the best mates but if in your mind she is totally in "friend" zone nothing good I feel will come of going the other way.

- Response by phenomenal1woman, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Chicago

Rating Received:

I'm in a very similar position although I wouldn't go as far as to say the attraction is zilch but it's certainly not strong or consistent. But in ALL other aspects, as with yourself, she is perfect for me and we are soul mates. I find myself trying to encourage the physical attraction, with varying degrees of success and sometimes helped by alcohol, which is not the right route and I know it, but the feeling never lasts.

Any updates with your situation?

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Dublin

Rating Received:

you're gay. you just don't know it yet.

- Response by bobbynoel2005, A Couch Potato, Male, 29-35

Rating Received: