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Why does everyone reject me.
Family & Parenting, Sex & Intimacy, Friendship / 9:21 AM - Thursday May 26, 2011

Why does everyone reject me.

I don't know what is wrong with me, or what is the factor that makes people reject me so much.

Friends that I've had for a long time stopped hanging out with me when I started a family. I tried keeping the relationships alive, continued to celebrate their lives and tried to make plans to get together, but it was all in vain.

I've made new friends but I am always the extra person in the group. Everyone else is closer to each other and I feel like an appendage. Other people just "click" faster and I feel like they could take me or leave me.

My family uses and abuses me but that's a different story. I stopped coming around so much. They only seem to miss me when they need something from me.

My husband's family looks down on me for being a different race (yes I know for a fact my race is the issue). The tolerate me because they want to see their grandchildren; but they treat their own (same-race) daughter-in-laws like princesses and I'm just "there". Yet they like my children the best of all the grandchildren because they are so kind and well mannered; well hello WHO do they think is raising them to be that way?

I'm sick of being rejected and unimportant to everyone in my life, and I'm sick of trying so hard only to be taken for granted.

What's wrong with me?

- Asked by Female, 36-45

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I rather felt that way when I was married and around your age with a child, but I had moved to another section of the country. I also had depression and my marriage wasn't so good.
I wasn't of a different race, but I was different than my in-laws.

With friends- everybody with younger children tend to be very busy. What you perceive as being the outsider, you might be taking that too personally. Most people are so wrapped up in their business.

I'm thinking that some of it might be race with the in-laws- but could it be that they are just a bit uncomfortable because you are different than what they are used to?

Your shyness could also come across as not being as friendly. I got called a snot a few times when I wasn't trying to be one. I was just a bit uncomfortable with all the people in a certain situation so I introverted.

Seriously, though, you might want to be checked for depression. That can make you feel this way.

- Response by A Creative, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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I think it is your low self-esteem that does it for ya. Look at the way you started off saying what's wrong with you. Maybe you are not the problem.

- Response by momof4, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Administrative

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It's only a guess: if your family uses and abuses you, you probably have some trust issues. and subconciously hold people at arms lenght more than most people do, and may have a bit of a defensive attitude. Subconsiously. Your new group of friends probably sense this and hold you apart too making the "clicking" take longer.
This coupled with a bit of us vs them race stuff, will make you look standoffish or have a chip on your shoulder.

- Response by jjcabin, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Washington, DC, Technical

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FIRST OFF,THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.TO ME,IT SOUNDS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IS/HAS A PROBLEM.LISTEN,IF NO ONE WANTS TO HANG WITH YOU,ITS REALLY THIER LOSS,BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE YOU WOULD BE A TRUE FRIEND AND HONEY,TRUE FRIENDS ARE SO VERY HARD TO FIND.SO,LET THOSE DAMNED JERKS STAY IN THERE OWN LITTLE WORLD.IN TIME,YOU WILL FIND A TRUE FRIEND THAT WILL LOVE YOU FOR WHO AND HOW YOU ARE,SO DONT SWEAT IT OK.YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.:) AND DONT FORGET TO SMILE EACH MORNING WHEN YOU WAKE UP,FOR GOD HAS BLESSED YOU WITH ONE MORE DAY!!!!

- Response by tudorcat, Female, 56-65, Columbus, Home Maker

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It is difficult to suggest something from long distance, with this little information.

I will suggest you ask one of your closest friends, who has observed you for along time. He maybe able to point out better.

- Response by counsellor, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 66 or older, Delhi, Self-Employed

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I'm sure someone tried to advise you about the problems you would face for choosing a mate of a different race, but you would not listen. Somehow I doubt if you are ready to listen yet.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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Screw them. there isn't anything "wrong" with you. Not being accepted for just being yourself (as long as you're not a drunk, floozy, addict, freeloader or zealot of some kind), is not a strike against you. It shows how in unfair, narrowminded and bigoted they are. Make friends who like you for who you are. Join groups that share the same interests as you do. Find out your children's interests & let them join groups who enjoy those same interests OR you can join your kids in doing those activities with them! If your marriage is strong & your husband isn't blind to others ostracizing you, voice your concerns with your husband. If he has been blind, inform him in a way as to not put the "blame" on his family (touchy), but make sure he understands this is something that weighs heavily on your heart. Maybe the two of you can find ways to solve some of your concerns TOGETHER. He needs to put his foot down with his family, about your treatment or perceived treatment.
Good luck!

- Response by caramel2635, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Indianapolis

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I've had the same experience as you describe. It is very difficult to maintain relationships with people who choose a very different lifestyle from the one you choose. When I got married and planned to have my first child, many "friends" were horrified to find that we were getting married and having kids. They did not quietly slip away, but instead made their disgust quite clear, so I knew why I could not maintain the connection with them. We now have three lovely children that are admired by relatives that want very little to do with them. They are mixed race, so that may be a factor. Continue to take the higher road with these relatives. Your consistent good behavior will be witnessed by those most important to you: your kids and spouse. They will respect you for it (but know that this is a longterm plan that will likely take over ten years to begin to solidify...) As for friends, we are slowly able to make solid connections and friendships with new families as our children select their closest matches for friends at school. I am often painfully reminded that there are many families around us who are more connected to community. One simply can not suddenly make up for lost time. There are families that have known each other for more than one generation and their networks are well established. Those people may not even realize that they are not including you (as the newcomer.) I often find that people who seem to be casually meeting and quickly developing friendships turn out to actually be distantly related or connected through friends and family. They are connecting more quickly because it has been arranged that they do so. My advice is to cut yourself a lot of slack and lower your expectations about the number of meaningful connections you can cultivate from scratch as a solo effort each year! Each one is rare and valuable! Your kids are surely a delight and as they grow, your community and circle will grow too. Best of luck to you!

- Response by hinjew, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, San Francisco

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You complain that your inlaws treat your nieces like princesses but then note that they treat your kids better than anyone else? This is a good thing so you can hardly tell us that your inlaws don't like your children as much because they're of mixed race.

Perhaps you're just overly sensitive to people's reactions to you. My sister's best friend is very abrasive yet she is horribly sensitive to how people treat her.

- Response by patresi, An Intellectual Guy, Male, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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