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Why do some girls fall in love with there rapist? I heard this happens more often than one may think
Sex & Intimacy / 3:23 PM - Tuesday March 08, 2011

Why do some girls fall in love with there rapist? I heard this happens more often than one may think

I find it shocking, but interesting at the same time.

I never really thought about it until my best friend who was a virgin and saving herself until marriage got brutally raped by a complete stranger on walking trail outside of town, and now she is infacuated by him and says she thinks she is in love???

I was like wtf and she says she knows it is sick and crazy but she feels like I am the only person she can confide in. What am I suppose to say to her? She has kind of gone stalker on him and has found out where he lives, knows he is married with kids, and where he goes to eat.

I think this is insane, she didn't go to the police because she said it would be to embarressing and upsetting. She is 20, any ideas on what I can do to help her?

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?

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Hello I studied sexuality and I think I can help. It's most likely an attempt to gain some feeling of control. Rape gives victims a sense of helplessness. That's a scary world to live in, to feel like bad things can happen without any reason at any point in time. It causes a lot of fear and anxiety. So sometimes victims may rationalize that they wanted it and they really do care for this person. Because then they feel like an active participant, someone who had some stake in it or reason for it happening. Make sense?

The same thing happens to abused children. They can end up loving the people who hurt them and abuse them most. The human mind is very complex. It must have been especially difficult since this was the first sexual experience your friend ever had. Perhaps she is twisting her thoughts and somehow hoping she can form a relationship with this man and he become her husband so it ends up that she only ever had sexual relations with her spouse as she wished.

Of course this is unrealistic and twisted thinking but it is very likely what is going through your friends mind. You cannot change her thoughts forcibly but you can just be a good friend by spending time with her and doing activities that will hopefully get her mind off the situation. Obsessing and stalking her rapist can have absolutely no good outcome.

- Response by A Life of the Party, Female, Who Cares?

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She needs professional help. I think her parents should be told.

- Response by newnumbersguy32, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Financial / Banking

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Take her to see a therapist. She has got all kinds of screwed up going on in her head. Infatuated with a rapist? Stalking a rapist? These are not common scenarios. Get her some help.

- Response by jess2481, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, Cincinnati, Other Profession

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My wife was raped long before we ever met. She is definately not in love with her rapist, but she has had an on again off again sexual relationship with him in the years following her rape.

She says she can't resist him and he was the best sex. Even after years of not seeing him and being married to me she ran into him one afternoon and gave herself to him.

- Response by A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 36-45, Self-Employed

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I think she needs to see a professional and talk all this out.

- Response by rexy67, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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My god what happened to her is so horrible! There are so many sluts walking around and one of the few people left who has morals has her virginity stolen from her. This is just a sick world. If I were her you can bet your ass I would find out where he lives and stalk him until I got the perfect oppurtunity to cut his dick off and gag him with it! She SHOULD kill him, that would be justice.

- Response by A Creative, Female, 22-25

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Danger = excitement = fun to many women.
Assertive = agressive
Liking powerful dominant guys, a guy who won't take no for an answer.
These are qualities women often go after.

There is also the idea of lack of her responsibility, giving her a sense of freedom. Basically she can be as wild as she wants but still say to herself she is innocent since he 'forced' her, so it really doesn't count.

- Response by jjcabin, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Washington, DC, Technical

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She sounds like she trying is rationalize what happened.She needs to go for help fast.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Tampa, Who Cares?

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Well aside from the reasonable, and I stress REASONABLE doubt there is about this story I also know this sort of stuff can happen too. Generally speaking she is responding outside all we know and understand about MOST rape victims. So of course counseling is in order as it is for any victim of this. Beyond that she needs encouragement from you as well as counselor(s) to stay away. She still could press charges, but it would become he said she said at this point, unless he is someone that is on the police's radar. I say she still ought to report it and be honest with the cops about what she is doing. Since he will almost certainly NOT admit it, it is close to useless. As far as her trailing him and "stalking" him, she could get in trouble. He could feel threatened and hurt her physically or use it for a reason to assault her again physically or sexually. In addition she could get in trouble if he notifies the authorities and gets a restraining order etc. Then when she cries rape she will look like the fool and like the pathetic obsessed one. So the direction that ought to be taken is one of protection...not of him but of herself. If this dude raped her and I do believe women when they say it, he has to be seen as dangerous. I know some women actually report orgasm during sexual assault. They can't help it. Their bodies simply respond to the physical stimulation. It is hard to believe to many women because so many women have difficulty having one with a partner they love and are turned on by. But, it does happen. The complications and guilt and shame are very difficult for them to get over ALONG WITH all the issues rape alone causes. So if she had a orgasm AND was victimized in a way that took her virginity away there is a number of issues in addition to the rape. Even without orgasm the virginity issue is one that is deep and complex. She needs absolutely NEEDS counseling and must be honest with the therapist. The virginity issue is likely playing with her brain. She may simply be trying to "take back" something she feels she had "stolen". So as I said she could put herself in physical danger OR worse yet, she could be totally unaware that she is subconciously planning on hurting him, but would "honestly" deny that if asked. While I am against vigilanty justice, this dude a swift ass kicking. However, given the particulars she could be the one who ends up in jail. Good luck.

- Response by An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Sacramento, Other Profession

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I was a 7-year old boy when I was first raped. It continued routinely for over a year and it grew more violent and painful every time it happened to me. For thirty-something years since, I've sought therapy and support from other survivors. I've hated him and wished for revenge; I've wanted to see him die; I've wanted to talk to him to understand; I've wanted to tell him just how much he's affected my life and for reasons I'll never understand I have at times believed I am in love with the man who violently brutalized and humiliated me for what then seemed like an eternity and now still seems like yesterday.

I've been open about these feelings with numerous professionals over the years and while I'm not sure what this condition is called if even it has a name, I think it's similar to the working of Stockholm syndrome. Some sort of trauma bonding.

I realize this question is pretty old now but I'm sure your friend is still in pain and wanted her to know that she is not alone.

- Response by A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45

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I am having a similar issue to this. I was raped by someone I trusted, a friend of mine. I went out and hung out with him, thinking we could talk or watch TV together. But then he started touching me and he made me do things that I wasn't ready to do. I am 18 and I was a virgin. I never had a relationship before and when this happened I felt like everything changed, I was very confused, had a lot of anxiety, but I felt like I loved him. I went back to see him to tell him that I wasn't comfortable with what happened and I thought he would listen but he didn't. It happened again but I kept saying no and he wouldn't stop. I lost hope but no matter what I do I stlll feel like I'm in love with him but at the same time I feel nervous and uncomfortable. But its sohard to avoid him since we go to the same feels wrong and very weird that I'm in love with him. Most of the time I don't understand any of it and I wish things were different. I wanted to save myself till I got married.. now I feel like no one would want to marry me since I'm no longer a virgin..

- Response by A Creative, Female, 18-21, Chicago

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