Back to Active Questions

Active Questions

Just found out im pregnant and i dont want a baby
Married Life / 8:27 PM - Thursday March 03, 2011

just found out im pregnant and i dont want a baby

ive been married for a year and we both have good jobs. i was late for my period and found out im 5 weeks 4 days pregnant at planned parenthood today.

i am horrified because i dont want any children until im about 30. my husband wants a baby. i didnt tell him im pregnant and i plan on having an abortion next week.

anyone know how much pain i will be in after the abortion and what should i tell my husband? i really am not ready to be a mom, i have so much going for me

- Asked by Female, Who Cares?

Read more about the Rating System


Honey...no one can tell you what the right thing to do is but you. I am a counselor, so let me just give you a few sentences of advice. Please take some time if you haven't already to really educate yourself about your decision about the pregnancy-whether it be to have the child or get an abortion. My reason for saying this is that I have seen women have children that were't ready- and they often carry resentment and anger and it also strains the marriage. On the flip side, I have also had many women and teenage girls suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from an abortion. Not only b/c of the abortion itself, but because of the excessive guilt that can come from it. So please, whatever it is that you decide..educate yourself about your choice and follow your heart about what is best for you...**Big Hug**

- Response by semperfi73, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Cincinnati, Executive

Rating Received:


Don't worry bout the abortion pain, worry bout the pain you're gonna feel when he finds out and leaves your ass for killing his baby!

- Response by momof4, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Administrative

Rating Received:

Community Rating: Community Star

It's ok to be nervous---and even scared/angry about being pregnant. But--sometimes the best things in life are not planned.

- Response by bobbysg1rl, A Cool Mom, Female, 66 or older

Rating Received:


You're deceiving your husband and you're worried about your pain? I'm sure it won't be enough to justify what you're about to do.

- Response by jess2481, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, Cincinnati, Other Profession

Rating Received:


You are married, so that makes it something which has happened within the marriage, and your husband needs to be told. He may or may not agree that you should abort it, and so, you have to face the consequences together now, good or bad. But you dont have the right to hide that information from him, just because you think you are not ready to have a baby at this time. Ready or not - you are there. This has to be a joint decision. Not wanting a baby because you "have so much going for you now" is not a reason for an abortion.

- Response by parent123, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Retired

Rating Received:


I cannot believe I just read what you wrote.

You are married. Your husband has a choice in this. If you don't work it out together, I wouldn't be surprised if your marriage fails. What you are considering doing, is a HUGE betrayal.

I hope that whatever you have going for you is "really, really good"...I'm thinking you may be relying on that, in the future. All by your own lonesome self. :(

- Response by mamom04, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 56-65, Phoenix

Rating Received:


Don't ask for advice here, because you sure aren't looking for real advice. Abortion is painful, and can be riddled with complications.
Tell your husband the truth.
If you don't, the guilt will eat you alive.

- Response by roaminginsomniac, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Law Enforcement

Rating Received:


I'm with the "bogus post", guy. Surely, no one is this clueless.

- Response by trawna, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Toronto, Consulting

Rating Received:


hun, if you dont tell him, you will regret it.
you should have not had sex with him unprotected.

you opened your legs..now go and have it or you will regret it the rest of you life

- Response by mobysdick, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Till you are about 30? Your age on here says 29-35. What, are you waiting 6 months to turn 30?

- Response by sweetmama247, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Buffalo, Home Maker

Rating Received:


well unless you have lied about your age.......you ARE about 30

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35

Rating Received:


If u really didnt want kids until the time is right as u say your other priorities. are more important.
Why u not protect yourself well knowing u would and could fall pregnant. Is this really his baby as to why u dont tell husband??? mmmmmm
Your self inflicted pain is now. deceit, lies, deception and life time pain u inflict on others.
What do u tell husband the truth...

- Response by berri, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, New South Wales, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


You'd be Really Horrified, if you knew exactly what happens when people have abortions, and what the unborn child has to endure and suffer through.

You're a sorry excuse for being a woman. You don't deserve bearing children, nor do you deserve to be a mother, if you're willing to take a life.

I'd be ashamed.....

- Response by richard77, A Jock, Male, Who Cares?, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


HAHAHA! How can you give me a JERK rating for pointing out your age?

- Response by sweetmama247, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Buffalo, Home Maker

Rating Received:


Kill the baby and you've just betrayed your husband, damaged the marriage and hurt both sets of parents because their grandchild is purposely destroyed.

And then there is the afterward guilt you will have to live with for the rest of your life. That is, unless you so selfish and self centered that you have no conscious.

Good luck, you're gonna need it.

- Response by msadvise, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Transportation

Rating Received:


How many rude anon made up stories can the same anon in the 26-28 bracket make? This is the same girl who wants to leave to a hotel for a break and has 5 kids at home. The same girl who is 350 lbs on disability getting food stamps and wants to know if boxed diet food is a good choice.

At Least change the profile picture.

- Response by diglebe2, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


You need to talk to him about this. If you don't, it will eat you alive for the rest of your marriage, and when he finds out you deceived him he will never trust you again.

You are in a marriage - he has a right to know!

- Response by dogrn, A Hippie Chick, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Bogus post. lol

- Response by william45, A Career Man, Male, 46-55, Chicago, Teaching

Rating Received:


Apparently you don't want our advice about the abortion. I've never had an abortion but if it goes wrong, you may never be able to have children after this. You could get infected and will never be able to have a baby. I think the physical pain will be less than giving birth but the emotional pain will be greater

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


No, no, no, no, no, NO!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

You are MARRIED. This is not the accidental spawn of a one night stand, this is YOUR HUSBAND'S CHILD.

I believe in a woman's right to choose, but NOT at the expense of the man you're spending your life with!!!

You MUST obtain his CONSENT to do this. If you BOTH agree to an abortion, then okay, but to go behind your husband's back about something THIS important is to piss all over the idea of what marriage means!!!

- Response by A Player, Female, 26-28, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Please DO NOT take the life of this unborn child -- if you really don't want it then offer your husband the opportunity to raise it (even if that means he leaves you) -- OR -- put that little darlin up for adoption but don't take away it's heartbeat by terminating your pregnancy. If you have an abortion and do it without your husband's knowledge or consent you will ruin your marriage. There is no perfect time to have a child but the fact of the matter is God's plan says it is your time. (I know it's not my decision and it's none of my business) but my gut says this baby is supposed to live! I'm praying you will reconsider for all the right reasons.

- Response by A Cool Mom, Female, 56-65

Rating Received:


He'll find out. It's hard to hide something like that.

You know what'll happen when he does?

He'll either leave you, or beat your ass and THEN leave you.

And you know what?

Everybody here will be lining up to watch and laugh.

Unless your husband is a man you hate, I cannot even fathom why you would keep this from him.

- Response by A Player, Female, 26-28, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


If'n I say what ya wanna hear,Will ya give me a Blue shiny star?

- Response by brezzyblue, A Life of the Party, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

Rating Received:


Get an abortion. Take it to your grave. Have kids when your ready. Don't worry about all the hypocrites. It's a woman's right to choose.

- Response by ponadidas, A Life of the Party, Male, 29-35, Pittsburgh, Other Profession

Rating Received:


Im a newly wed and 7mths pregnant. Although I wasnt ready, we knew that the activitied we engaged in led to this consequence. I would not change this pregnancy experience for nothing. such joy of seeing the ultrasounds and baby movements. An amazing journey. Do what you feel but marriage is not an I or Me thing either. Remember that some men/women cannot have children, an abortion could possibly decrease the chance of pregnancy for the future, once your in your 30's the risk of pregnancy can cause problems, and once your womb starts to have children it will be ready for more.

- Response by xbossbellax, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Atlanta, Student

Rating Received:


I also got a tonne of disapproval and nasty answers on here when I posted a similar question years ago. If you're certain that having a baby isn't right for you now then have the abortion. Why go through this huge process when you already know it's not what you want. It's actually less selfish to admit you're not ready for a baby and to have the abortion. You can't tell your husband about this. It will hurt him big time. And it will certainly affect your marriage.

This is your body. Your husband doesn't have any actual involvement in what's going to happen to you and your body over the next 9 months (and beyond!). It's ultimately your decision.

I was in no pain after my abortion. No physical pain. And I also felt no guilt afterwards - because I knew I'd made the right decision. I also didn't tell anyone - no-one - about what I did because I knew I'd get all this needless hassle and opinions from pro-baby makers. Branded a baby-killer no doubt. You don't need that hassle.

If you don't want the baby be strong and get the abortion done. But you'll need to be prepared to get over it afterwards and move on with your life. It may even affect how you feel in your relationship afterwards. Who knows.

But if you don't want a baby - just make sure you're careful from now on and just don't get pregnant in the first place!
The quicker you get the abortion done the better in my experience.
Good luck.

- Response by A Creative, Female, 29-35, Technical

Rating Received:


I think you underestimate the difficulty in keeping this a secret from your husband.

Your profile says you are 29-35... So, you really just don't want this kid, do you? Because you said something about waiting until you are 30.

You do know if he finds out that he's gonna leave you, right?

- Response by clarkgriswold, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45

Rating Received:


It's your call and it's not like the world is under populated. I would how ever talk to your husband about it. If I wanted a baby and my wife had an abortion and didn't tell me I think it would destroy me.

I hear abortions "can" cause some problems for conceiving later, so if you and your husband go to the doc together when you two are ready to have kids and the doctor mentions problems and any past abortions? I think it would be the wrong way for him to find out. Not trying to scare you but like the someone else said, educate yourself on it.

Still though, it takes two to make a baby, you should let your teammate know whats going on.

- Response by faol, A Rebel, Male, 26-28, Montreal, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


you need to make this decision about what you and your husband want.
you can't let others make you feel bad if you want an abortion. this is for you.

I have never had an abortion but I know people who have and it does not hurt anymore than maybe a painful pap smear but I guess it depends on if you are farther along in the pregnancy.
but you are early, so it should not hurt you.
you can also be prescribed pain/anxiety meds if you need them.

make this decision about you.
bringing a child into this world that is not wanted or cannot be cared for properly is way worse that terminating a pregnancy in my books.

it is your life and your body. you need to do what is best for you.

- Response by fondacox, A Trendsetter, Female, 36-45

Rating Received:


being a killer is a lot worse than being a mother

- Response by bigcurt, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Pittsburgh, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


The part that confuses me is it says you're 29-35 but you want to wait til you're 30 to have a baby. Which part of your story is the lie?

- Response by misskitty420, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35, Student

Rating Received:


How would you feel if your husband decided, without consulting you, to get a vasectomy? How would you feel if your husband, without consulting you, cashed out HIS 401K plan and used it to finance a weekend trip to Vegas with his buddies? How would you feel if your husband decided, without consulting with you first, that his mother could move in with you? Or if he got a dog without talking to you first?

Once you get married, you are supposed to be honest with each other and to make big decisions together. Do you think, if you kill his child without talking to him first, he will not hold it against you and it will not hurt the marriage forever? Now, you may see this as a fetus because you don't want it - but he will see it as a baby, and he will be very angry and resentful.

If you don't think it is OK for him to make major decisions without talking to you, then how can you think it is OK to make major decisions without talking to him? And, if you are fine with him doing whatever he likes without consulting you and therefore you can also do whatever you like - then why did the two of you get married? The whole point of marriage is to join together and become a partnership. How do you do that if you deceive each other?

- Response by curvysmartgirl, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Dallas, Artist / Musician / Writer

Rating Received:


So you dont want a baby,.? Well then, cut out all that nookey, . D

- Response by duggers, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older

Rating Received:


I got pregnant by my fwb friend and never once in my mind cross about having an abortion, I love my prince charming more than anything, he came to save my life. Please think about that beautiful gift that GOD is giving you. You WILL love him/her more than anything and WILL do anything for him/her once you have him/her in your arms for the first time, what am I talking about... as soon as you feel him/her move, you will love him/her more than anything or anyone!!!

- Response by A Trendsetter, Female, 29-35

Rating Received:


I think it's BS that you would go through with that without even talking to your husband about it first. If he wants a baby, can you not imagine how upset he would be if he found out you're about to kill his baby? And if he left you over that, imagine how much pain you would be in then. Since you have such a good job, maybe you should've used that money for birth control

- Response by proudmom88, An Alternative Girl, Female, 26-28, Atlanta

Rating Received:


i have no problem with the abortion part, but not telling yours husband is a whole different thing. what happens if there's complications and he finds out??? he will so betrayed is wont' be funny.

- Response by beanielou, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


If it is done properly the pain will be minimal.

Tell your husband tell him how much you loves him, tell him you are pregnant, tell him life is about give and take and since 29 is not far from 30 you have decided to keep the baby because of him.

- Response by anitaoatmeal61, Female, 46-55

Rating Received:


Well, according to the age bracket on here....You are about 30. Why didn't you take proper precausions before? It seems to me that God has this WONDERFUL gift that MANY women would LOVE to have, and you don't want it? Tell your husband, and have this wonderful miracle of life together, and be greatful and joyous!!!! If not, adopt it to someone who will love it way more than you think you will....This is so sad:(

- Response by piggywiggy, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

Rating Received:


First, I must say how shocked I am to read all these hateful answers!!

No one has the right to tell you whether or not to have the baby as this is your body and your life: having a baby will impact your life in a way you will only understand when you are a mother. So the decision should be entirely yours. Men can claim that they will be involved in the rearing and nurturing and they will insist on imposing their opinion but really (aside from being the financial supporters, if at all), their contribution pales in comparison to the mother's. Having said that, I do believe you should tell your husband that you plan on getting an abortion as you would have told him about any other medical procedure. He should understand you and accept the fact that you're not ready but you also need to be honst with him (and yourself) as to when you'll be ready (if at all) because you don't want to mislead him. Good luck!!

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 26-28, New York, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


I'm pro-choice, but the way I see it is that you HAVE to discuss it with your husband; otherwise you will lose everything that you have going for you.

- Response by myrtletyrtle, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


I think your husband has the right to know..if you tell him after the fact, he might not stick around...there are other options besides abortion...

- Response by A Married Girl, Female, 46-55, Sacramento, Home Maker

Rating Received:


If you were single, this would be your decision. But you are married and you cannot be alone with this decision. Perhaps he's not really ready either. Perhaps this will be a huge issue that you will have to work through together. It could break you or bond you, but you are but you cannot go alone on this.

Your profile says "age 29-35", so you are close to age 30. Having said that, unless you had a long relationship beforehand, a baby is a big change for newlyweds. Still, you have jobs and presumably a home. Not a bad start.

My wife had an abortion in college because she knew she wanted to be in a permanent relationship if she ever had a child. The father of the child never knew and went on to get married and have children. We get a holiday card from this couple every year with pictures of their children and my wife always takes a couple of extra looks at that card - kind of a "what if..."








- Response by twoweheels, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 46-55, New York

Rating Received: