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How weak and pathetic am I? I asked a guy out for the first time, was rejected, and started crying..
Dating / 4:00 AM - Tuesday March 01, 2011

How weak and pathetic am I? I asked a guy out for the first time, was rejected, and started crying..

It took a lot for me to get the nerve up to ask because I am generally a very shy person, but I really really like this guy who we have been seeing eachother for 2 months for a work project but this was the last day so I decided to do it.

He said he appreciated the offer but no thanks. My eyes started watering really bad and I could feel my chin quiver and he was right in my face so of course he saw and he was like "I am really sorry, are you going to be okay?" I just nodded really sadly. He then said he would see me around and drove off.

I know I probably will never see him again and I feel not only like a fool but really hurt because I really wanted to spend more time with him. I guess I just wanted some people's opinions on what I did. Am I that much of a loser? How can I get over this empty sad worthless feeling of never being able to see a man I really grew fond of?

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?

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First you have to stop taking it personally. There could be a thousand reasons he turned you down that have nothing to do with you.

You aren't weak and pathetic. If a man did this, he would be. But men generally don't cry unless they think their world is ending. Women cry for much less. It's normal.

- Response by desrtrat57, A Father Figure, Male, 56-65, Self-Employed

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Community Rating: Community Star

Quit empowering the guy. You made your move. KUDOS!

That's a good thing! ~ It is what it IS, however...

Which this seems, NOT TO BE... a "Love Connection".

You're not worthless, just not matched to that guy.

- Response by fehkarfight, A Couch Potato, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Brush it off. You did well....at least you got the nerve to ask. Most people can't even do that. So he said no...that's the worst thing that can happen. Maybe he isn't "the one" but there is someone out there for you. Dry your face....relax...you are not a loser. It just wasn't meant to be and that's okay. He's not the only one out there. Cheer up honey.

- Response by lasttrueromantic, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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you really like the guy and he turned you down. but I think the reason you were crying was because you finally got up the nerve to ask him out and it was hard for you because you are very shy, and it didn't end up well.

we don't always get what we want, but we have to keep trying.
the more you do things like this, the less shy you will become.
he wasn't interested but it does not mean you are a loser. maybe he likes another woman or he just doesn't feel the right chemistry for you. it is always hard when we get rejected but you have to move on. don't worry about him seeing you upset. just move on and don't mention it. when you see him, just be nice as you were before.
it is his loss and you will meet another man that wants to date you soon

- Response by fondacox, A Trendsetter, Female, 36-45

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Come on ...don't be discouraged...

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Transportation

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Hey cheer up, like others have said it could be a million reasons why that have nothing to do with you. Look on the bright side, if it took you 2 month to grow fond of him you can meet 6 guys a year and the more you practice at opening up the more comfortable you will feel. Then comes the fun part, confidence! And we all love that.

- Response by faol, A Rebel, Male, 26-28, Montreal, Self-Employed

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Rejection hurts but don't take it so personally. Maybe he is already in a committed relationship that you don't know about and he was doing the right thing by saying, "No." That doesn't make you a loser, it makes you a woman who isn't afraid to put her heart on the line and take chances and unfortunately, when we do that we are taking a risk. It shouldn't make you feel worthless -- you should be proud of yourself because you opened your heart and took a chance. There are plenty of fish in the sea -- Good luck.

- Response by lilkat316, A Cool Mom, Female, 56-65

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That was very brave of you, but here's the thing. You know lots of men who aren't just temporary project colleagues. You need to open your eyes and look at them. NOT "never see him again" guy.

- Response by trawna, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Toronto, Consulting

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he was truthful with you..hes just not into you.the fact that youre obviously sitting here and going over in your mind all the thousands of what you THINK may be reasons why he turned you down is making you totally disregard the one thats looking right at you and the only one that is revelant...he just didnt feel youre the one. the two of you are obviosuly out of balance in your attraction to each other and things like that dont change.. im not being unkind here but when men and women both act like this this is one of the reasons why the person who just isnt into you feels the need to resort to lame excuses..IM BUSY..I DONT WANT TO RUIN THE FREIDNSHIP..YOURE TOO GOOD FOR ME I DONT DESERVE YOU... IM NOT READY FOR A COMMITTMENT..i could go on forever...because they just dont want to deal with the drama of having to deal that person IM SORRY IM JUST NOT INTO YOU.

you got an unusual response. it was an HONEST one. would you rather have been strung along with lame excuses possibly getting into a relationship where you would have been treated as nothing more than a backup rather than hear the truth upfront? IM JUST NOT INTO YOUare words that nobody likes to hear. but the sooner you hear and accept them the sooner you can move onto the one who IS

LISA

- Response by u2joshuadesireu, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental

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He could be just one of those types that don;t like to mix pleasures with work. There are a lot more like him out there. You will be fine, it's not your fault.

- Response by diglebe2, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Self-Employed

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Welcome to what men face.

You just discovered what "confidence" is all about. It isn't just the faith in having success, it's also about having no FEAR-- ie, fear of FAILURE. Do you fear failure when you make a glass of tea? No! If it doesn't work, you pour it out and start again.
Learn to approach men with the same lack of concern.
"Next!" should become one of the most important words in your vocabulary.
One lesson to learn is, Never wait too long to ask. If you agonize about it, the issue builds in your mind to become an insurmountable challenge. You've already become emotionally invested in the chode, and you don't even have a date yet! Then, when you get turned down, it makes the crash feel even worse.

For us, finally, we have online dating gurus and Pickup Artist programs to lead us through this ordeal. Nobody has designed anything like that for women.



- Response by chesterdad, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, San Francisco

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lol, shit happens.....ok but now for real...there are plenty of fish in the water, so no need to stress over it bud

- Response by geropac, A Career Man, Male, 22-25, Internet / New Media

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I don't have anything to add to what people have told you. I just want to re-enforce it.

1- You didn't do anything wrong.
2- You were very brave to ask him out because you got over your shyness.
3- No you are not a loser, you just have to deal with rejection. If you want to enter the dating game, rejection is part of it.
4- Move on and find yourself a good man.


- Response by troublemaker, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 29-35, Managerial

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Honestly, there are times when I feel almost like crying when I get rejected. Even now, when I have been dating for over thirty years. You never get used to it; you just come to realize that the world won't come to an end and that you will eventually heal.

I agree with some other folks here who pointed out that the guy's reaction was an honest one. There really wasn't anything else he could have said. It probably won't make you feel much better but it's nice to know there are a few decent men out there.

How can you get over the empty sad feelings? Go to a party. If you have no party invitations outstanding then participate in an organization of some sort (charity, politics, even a zoo). I spend a lot of time volunteering working with kids and I must say that although it isn't helping my dating life directly I encounter so many priceless moments that I'll probably do that sort of thing till I die -- even if I have kids of my own.

- Response by steveharrymike, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Los Angeles, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I'm sorry gf. I know how you feel. Most men can empathize. Although we don't cry it still hurts on the inside.

Do not take it personally. He was honest with you. You can't ask more than that from a man. And he showed compassion because he knew he hurt your feelings. So he respected you. He didn't try to take advantage as many men would.

Standard procedure is to call up a couple friends,go get drunk and perform some stupidity. You may find that you are attractive to a new man while you're drowning your sorrows.

When you recover from your hangover you'll feel much better.

Hang in there gf and don't give up. You sound like a really nice person. There are lots of guys who would love to have a woman like you. You just have to put yourself out there and keep taking risks. Rejection get's much easier to handle after it's happened five or six times.

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Boston, Science / Engineering

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.....hey....I heard that guy's gay, really.

I understand the hurt....but remember that all of will be rejected a MAJORITY of the time when asking a prospective dating interest out for the first time....and that's just the way it is, and can't be taken personally....because the other person doesn't even know us, so HOW can we take a rejection personally?


....in my case, for example, I'm usually rejected due to my overwhelming charm and breath taking good looks.......yep, most woman simply cannot handle so damned much wonderfulness.



- Response by nameacarl, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, Who Cares?, Oostende, Self-Employed

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Whoa, whoa, whoa... Relax. You asked him out and got shot down. Move on to the next target. Its not the end of the world.

You have to get back in the batters box and take another cut at it. If you just sit on the bench you'll never get a hit.

- Response by clarkgriswold, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45

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Like some others said,least you asked, better to ask and be told no than never ask and wonder what if.
It's okay to feel upset about it for a little while, but don't take it too personally.

- Response by gvmeurhwc, An Alternative Girl, Female, 29-35

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Listen honey...youhve made a bigger step than most women would ever take. Just look at it that way. I just hope you don't letthis deter you. There is alot of rejection in life, not just with the opposite sex. You need to accept it and learn to deal with it. It is part of growing up...

- Response by juandontbeg, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Self-Employed

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That isn't the least bit pathetic or weak. If anything it's strong and shows nerve so instead of beating yourself up, please give yourself a big pat on the back. It's far better to know though than having not tried. I regret not asking out some women in my lifetime so I'd much rather have asked them out and be rejected than to regret it now.


Isn't it the worst feeling and one that we guys have faced a lot. In fact, I can't tell you the number of guys who won't do what you did and the number of women is far less and you still did it. Good for you.

- Response by patresi, An Intellectual Guy, Male, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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you know there could have been a lot more to this then you know. he could be married, in a relationship or even gay. dont kick yourself , and dont give up on yourself either, try try again. sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your Prince!

- Response by hotair, A Father Figure, Male, 66 or older, New Orleans, Transportation

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I know it hurts. It's happened to me dozens of times. But be proud of yourself for taking initiative. I would be flattered to have a woman ask me out. Just keep him on your radar and if he still wants to be friends, he will come around. In the meantime, see other people if you want.

- Response by jophus, A Rebel, Male, 29-35, Artist / Musician / Writer

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What you did to this guy was awful. Instead of flirting/judging responses and giving him the option of saying yes or no you cold called him and forced him into a situation where he had to ask you out or you would have an emotional breakdown in front of him. You made it all about you and to this day don't give a rats ass about his feelings or what you inflicted on him. And this was in the workplace with a guy who has to be there. Bad, bad, awful.

Beyond developing empathy for other people you need to learn how flirting works and develop some basic flirting skills. Get a book and go over the basics. USS was an OK book but I am sure there are others.

- Response by A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Technical

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Hi there sweety. You did a bold thing so you shouldn't feel ashamed. I know it hurts, but time will heal and you'll realize that he's the one who missed out. I have been rejected a few times, more than once. But I just looked at them like your loss dude. I'm fly, you're stupid. LOL.
I really liked this guy once but he didn't like me back, he saw that I was a nice person and I would decent looking but I just wasn't his type and he had that right to not like me, so I moved on and found someone better looking and more popular. wink. So my advice to you is, don't let this drag you down. Move on and make yourself available for the next cutie that comes your way.

- Response by alondraw, A Creative, Female, 26-28, Sacramento, Administrative

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That's understandable!! You have lots of guts to ask him out, some girls never ask anyone out, they just sit and wait for someone to come to them. It's not pathetic, I probably would have done the same! It just goes to show us girls how tough it can be for a guy when he asks us out and gets rejected. I give you props for it! And when his stupid ass comes back around and asks if the offer still stands, give him a "HELL NO!"

- Response by sweetmama247, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Buffalo, Home Maker

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Honestly, you definitely should ignore what that guy commented a little before me that "what you did to this guy was awful". He's saying you put him on the spot by making him say yes to asking you out or you'd have a breakdown? Please. You didn't know you were going to cry. Emotions just flow out of us, it happens. And putting him on the spot by asking him out is EXACTLY what men do to us, so what is the big deal?

I commend you. I've had problems with this myself because I always waited soo long to ask a guy out because I wasn't sure how he felt about me, and in the end when I did say something, I got rejected. I've realized my problem is that I'm waiting too long, especially because a guy will know pretty much right away if he wants to date a girl. The one useful thing that guy commented up there was that you can work on your flirting skills, and I definitely think that's a good idea, because if you show a guy you're interested without blatantly putting yourself out there, it gives him confidence if he is interested to make his move. However, if you don't get anything from him within the first couple of times you meet up, it's most likely not going to work out, so move on. What's worked for me is making the guy make the first move, and keep my options open if he doesn't, so it won't hurt me.

If you want to keep asking guys out, I agree with what another commenter said by doing it sooner. Don't wait so long that you're deeply invested. Good luck!

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 26-28

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I meant to add to my comment earlier but hit the send button a little too early. We guys don't cry because guys are not expected to cry......but I'm sure there are millions of guys who do want to cry when they're turned down.

About 5 years ago, I met a fantastic woman. I was dating several women at the same time-all of whom wanted us to see each other exclusively, but would have dumped them all in a second just to be with her. We did go out a few times and had a wonderful time but sure enough in between the dates she met a guy she really liked and I got turned down the next time I asked her out. It's not that she was so beautiful and I recall being in a restaurant and thinking to myself as she was walking to the bathroom once that she wasn't nearly as pretty as the women at the next table and did not have the same figure but I could not have told you anything at all about the women at the next table had you asked me about them the next day as I was so transfixed by my date. Still, I had the same empty feeling in my stomach when I got turned down the next time. It does have a happy ending though as I met someone who in the end, I grew to like far more and had I been with the previous woman, I wouldn't have begun a relationship with this woman whom I may well marry.


Again, good for you for doing what you did. What an enormous step and unfortunately, welcome to the guys' club where we have to endure being turned down and we all have exactly the same insecurities unless of course, you're like the fellow in "White Collar" or a young Brad Pitt who are prettier than the women they're dating.

- Response by patresi, An Intellectual Guy, Male, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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You're NOT worthless. Just because someone rejected you, doesn't mean you aren't an incredible person - just that he didn't have feelings for you. You can think well of someone without having a crush on them, right?
Trust me, getting rejected isn't fun, but you need to pick yourself up and brush yourself off and move on. If he didn't feel the same, either he's a fool, or maybe there was just no spark. Or maybe he was just caught off guard.
I know it's tough, but NEVER let your self esteem go down when you get rejected. You never know what it could be - maybe the old cliche "it's not you, it's me" really is true. Honestly, if I was quite caught off guard, I might tell a guy no just out of surprise. And maybe he's not ready to date because of something emotional he's going through - for instance, I'm kind of scared of dating right now, because I'm still reeling after finding out about my father's affair. Who knows, maybe he's still getting over a girlfriend. My point: you just never know.
Good luck :) keep on keepin' on sweetie!

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 18-21, Artist / Musician / Writer

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You're not weak and pathetic at all. It hurts to get rejected; take it from a woman who knows; you just have to remember it's not always as simple as it looks. You tried, he said no, and now you hurt for bit, but then you celebrate that you had the guts to do that--and you celebrate the fact the he's honest and didn't lead you on. Eventually you'll meet a great guy and he won't say no. It's like riding a bike, you fall off the first time....get up and get back on :)

- Response by lioness21, A Player, Female, 29-35, Consulting

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Please don't beat yourself up over this. Rather than label yourself weak and pathetic, you sound like a very sensitive person and probably are very caring. He's is the loser in this situation, not you. There was nothing wrong with what you did - it just isn't a match made in heaven, and it is better that you found out sooner rather than later. Concentrate on finding someone else who is more worthy of your time and affections - just don't rush it. Relationships take time.

- Response by experience101, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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well that sure Sux... Not to worry... his Loss!! NEXT!!! Kinda felt good to not be shy for a few minutes didn't ity...GOOD FOR YOU!!

- Response by boxer1, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

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i wouldn't beat yourself up about this,nor would I let this discourage you from asking someone else out that you are attracted to on another occassion.No you are not a loser... the guy just wasn't right for you and you have to respect him for saying no right off,instead of leading you along getting what he wanted from you and then dropping you.

- Response by phenomenal1woman, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Chicago

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Aww, I'm sorry. It doesn't make you pathetic! At least you had the guts to try!

:)

- Response by kaffroake, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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Sorry you are hurt. You're not pathetic nor a loser. I commend you going for it even though things didn't work out. Rejection stinks but at least you know where you stand & it really is his loss. Please don't let this hold you down. There is always risk when putting your heart out there. There is someone else out there who will be worth it.

- Response by melmac, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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Don't feel bad! Everyone get turned down. Maybe you should work on your self image before trying to date someone. To be honest in the same day I have tried to smile at a guy and they'll look at me like "eww" and the next guy would respond positively. So it just depends on the person. There is nothing wrong with you. Just keep it moving!!

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 26-28

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First off you are superior to 90% of women whose insecurities prevent them from EVER asking a guy out in their lives. For most women, if the guy doesn't approach, nothing is happening.

What you did took courage and ambition to go after what you want. That is something to be proud of.

I know sickeningly handsome guys that are NEVER with girls because they are simple too afraid to talk to them.

If everyone was compatible with everyone, then no one would be special, sweetie. I know you probably wanted this one really bad, but it was just an infatuation that would pass. Be grateful he had the integrity to be honest with you instead of using you for something and breaking contact. How much worse would that have hurt?

You'll forget about him.

In the meantime, do some things to make yourself feel good. Work out, eat right, work toward your goals.

With the exception of supermodel women...all of us get shot down. It's how we handle it that defines who we are.

- Response by vabyss, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Be proud.
You were so courageous, confident and human.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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