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Trust issues affecting new relationship.
Dating / 9:27 PM - Wednesday February 23, 2011

Trust issues affecting new relationship.

I'm dating this amazing guy. We've been together for over a month and everything is perfect. We established after week 1 that we wanted to be exclusive and monogamous. He's expressed to me often that he has really deep feelings for me, that he doesn't want to be with anyone else, and that he's very serious about us. The problem is me. I really, really like him but I've been cheated on a lot in the past so naturally I have some trust issues. Plus, he's a musician so he goes on tour a lot--is on one now for a little while longer--and I can't help but get paranoid about him being around other girls. I honestly don't think he would cheat on me--our sex life is amazing and I know he really cares about me, but I can't help but be nervous about it because of my past.

My question is: if I bring up my concerns, am I just beating a dead horse? Also, what's the best way to bring it up again without sounding paranoid? Any subtle way of bringing up the conversation?

Thanks!

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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That can get to be a very TIRED conversation. It is the story of the insecure and needy. Considering what your boyfriend does for a living, I would suggest you figure out a way to deal with this alone and not share it with him.

This is not his problem and it should not be turned into his problem. This is something you need to get to the root of.

Until you fix your inner self, this is not going to get any better and ultimately you will chase this guy away. What will happen, is you will tell this guy so many times, how unworthy you are, that one day, he will wake up and BELIEVE YOU!

Lack of self confidence is both unattractive and lame. You cannot find the solution to this, within ANOTHER person. You find only within yourself.

- Response by randyl, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Los Angeles, Technical

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First of all, a month is not a relationship maker. Second, why would anyone want to jump into something exclusive after only knowing someone for only a week? My third concern for you is the fact that he is a traveling musician. Musician's are not known for their monogamous nature. Actually, it would be just the opposite. I think the better question for you is: why do you continue to seek men who won't be faithful to you?

- Response by jess2481, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, Cincinnati, Other Profession

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Yes, if you bring up your concerns (especially assuming he is yet to do anything worthy of attention) it will be beating a dead horse. Therefore, there is no way to bring it up without sounding paranoid, as the essence of paranoia is fear without just cause. So, no subtle way of bringing it into the conversation as it will eventually prove irritating to him.

With that out of the way, there are actually several things that grab my attention when reading your post. The main one is, if my math is correct, you guys have dated for five weeks and been exclusive only for four of them, and within that time you have established an "amazing" sex life even with his travel. Call me old-fashioned, but I personally feel it is possible that sex entered the relationship a bit too soon, especially so frequently.

There are some people who try and prove their worth to their partner through sex. Some people fear being left by the other person, and they feel that proving themselves as a reliable source of sex cements the relationship and reduces the probability of them being left. The other issue that sometimes comes up with sex being introduced too soon is that one or both of the partners can confuse sex and infatuation with a relationship being healthy, and more serious underlying issues go neglected. Think of it like taking pain killers in order to walk on a broken leg.

I would look into counseling, as it never hurts anyone, and I also suspect there might be more to your past than simply being cheated on a few times. In either case, it is never a bad idea to speak with a trained professional that can more appropriately assess the details of your situation and help determine what might be contributing to your fear of trusting others.

- Response by handel9652, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 22-25

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I wouldn't bring it up.Don't make him pay for something some one else did.Loose the feeling as you trust him.The best lasting relationships are when both go into it with a clean slate.If you say how you feel it indicates little trust.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Tampa, Who Cares?

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Hard to get over trust issues. A month is a short time---you are still getting to know one another. Why not let him know about your past heartbreak --eventually. I wouldn't get sucked into this relationship so soon knowing you are going to have issues because of the traveling. Sure your sex life is amazing---it's only a MONTH into it.....

- Response by bobbysg1rl, A Cool Mom, Female, 66 or older

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just tell him that u have been cheated on in the past and that u dont think he would ever cheat but u just want to tell him that incase the relationship ever gets really deep and ur acting funny that that is the reason why if hes a good guy he'll get it and every thing will work out for the best

- Response by isabeltinkerbell, A Guy Critical, Male, 22-25

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