Married Life / 10:53 AM - Tuesday February 15, 2011

Why do married men have to ask permission from their wives to do things?

i know this will generate lots of controversy, but its something I never understood. I know my married friends hate it when I say it, but its true. It seems my married buddies have to ask their wive's permission to do anything that doesn't involve her. Here is an example. A bunch of guys are taking a little trip. We asked our married friend, and he wanted to go. He and his wife both have their own little fun accounts, so he could take the money from there and not have it impact their household finances. But after he talked to her about it, he can't go now. Basically she said no. Now a guy will never say it like that, of course he'll spin it like there was some other reason, but basically we all know that she said no.
I honestly don't get it. You are an adult, and if you can afford to do whatever, why is it a problem. And its not like the guys going are bad people, she knows all of us. I understand informing her that you plan on doing certain things, but it shouldn't be an ask permission. Especially when I know many women who have no problem making plans for the guys time.

I'm not anti-marriage by any means, but I had enough years of my life where I had to ask permission to do what I wanted. Now that I'm an adult, why would I want to back in that same position?

Update: February 15, 2011.
First off, I will concede that this isn't one way, and it can happen to women too with having to ask their husbands things. I'm not really friends with a ton of married women, so I don't know about it, but I assume that it does go both ways. It seems to me a lot of people, especially those who are currently married, have a problem with my use of the word "permission". That doesn't surprise me since my married friends have the same problem with that word. They prefer words like "discuss" and "confer", when it amounts the same thing. So I will say this, no one adult can force another adult to do, or not do, anything, but they can make things so difficult and tense that the other person will basically just cave to what they want. Or worse, they'll make a statement like "Do what you feel you need to do" so they aren't directly saying no, but you know exactly what their stance is. As one person did point out, and I agreed with, he situation is very different when there are kids involved. I completely understand in those situations that leaving one parent to take care of the children for an extended period of time is unfair. I was referring to situations with no kids

- Asked by Male, 29-35

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I'm terribly sorry I can't answer this question right now!! I have to phone my Wife to ask her to bring over the key to unlock this Chain and Ball attached to my right ankle!!!

- Response by hands, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Hong Kong, Who Cares?

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It isn't "asking permission". It's "discussing". It's what mature married people do. It's the entire point of such a partnership.

And, for what it's worth, a lot of married people probably value this aspect of marriage as a way of getting out of doing things they don't actually want to do ;).

- Response by trawna, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Toronto, Consulting

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Even though marriage is a "partnership," the person in charge is the wife. The last thing you want to do is create any opportunity for her to get mad. Its not about asking permission - Its more of avoiding fights.

- Response by inotnuts, A Father Figure, Male, 36-45, Newark, Retired

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I use to think the same way, but now that I am married I realized my wife has to ask my permission to go places first as well. It goes both ways and it creates a sense of deeper bonding and caring.

- Response by A Life of the Party, Male, 46-55, Other Profession

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Dude, it works both ways. I've known many women whose husbands "won't let them" go out with their girlfriends. If that was me, I'd tell him to eat dirt and go anyway. Some people simply choose unreasonable partners, or partners who don't trust them, or partners who are jealous & insecure, etc etc.

- Response by justpassingthru, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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Most husbands soon figure out that a wife can leave any time she likes, and take his house, car, money, and kids with her. Most husbands spend their lives "walking on eggshells" trying to keep Ms. Power Feminist from destroying his life. She has all the legal power and he has none under feminist laws and courts. As a result, he has to grovel and beg for permission to do anything, and usually bribe her with a shopping trip, etc.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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The only controversy is in your mind.

Yes, married people are adults and can often decide things for themselves. But married people are also (at least one hopes) partners in a relationship, in a household. And when you get married, it's no longer just about "you." It's about "us." That doesn't mean, as you seem to imply, that the wife gets a veto over anything her husband wants to do. But it does mean a whole new set of joint obligations.

So when he asks if it's ok for him to go away for the weekend, he's probably not just asking "Do I have your permission?", he's asking "Are their any obligations that we have as a couple that I might have forgotten about over this weekend that make my participation with the guys impossible?"

- Response by mikehug, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Cleveland

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hon, you need to shift your paradigm just a little and revamp the vo-cab. In a healthy marriage, it's called being a couple, being considerate, and compromise.

I would agree though, that in some unhealthy marriages where people are vying for control of one another (swings both ways) then yeah, it's warped and one or the other is "asking permission" like a little kid.

Marriage is hopefully about actually wanting to be with and please one's partner and spend time with him or her. It doesn't mean you don't have other friends and activities that allow for space, but just handing down declarations of "I'm going camping with the guys for a week, see ya when I get back" isn't very considerate. It's like being a perpetual college guy or something. Nothing wrong with being a perpetual free-wheeler, but if that's the case, then stay single! Full autonomy.

- Response by feralberyl, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Columbus, Other Profession

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lots of women have to ask permission from their husbands as well to do things...
anyone asking anyone for permission is wrong and is not supposed to happen if you are in a loving relationship as you should be

- Response by fondacox, A Trendsetter, Female, 36-45

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I agree about the permission part but it is nice he if asks if it's okay with her so as to not rock the love boat, y'know?

- Response by englishrose4945, A Life of the Party, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Alternative Medicine

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i don't think they are asking permission necessarily i think out of RESPECT they are asking if they would mind. I ask my man all the time if he MINDS if i do something then i take his answer into consideration but it doesn't mean i'll necessarily do what he says.

- Response by beanielou, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Halifax, Who Cares?

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all I'm going to say is this.
Women do try to control men. From the start of their lives, they are often overshadowed, dominated, or intimidated by boys, then young men. As they get older, they grow tired of this, and see people like oprah and madonna, and decide to "have the power" if you will. They are all nice from the start, but as they discover more and more similarities between you and the boys that controlled them as children and teens, they start to resent you. I'm not saying you try to act like those boys, but when they see the similarities that are inevitable, they try to exercise control to assure themselves that it is not the other way around, with you exercising control.

/--Jade Havok

PS this is not always true, but when you see a marriage with the woman taking control, that is why. People seem to have forgotten that this question was why, not if.

- Response by jadehavok, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 22-25, Salt Lake City, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Cause The wife has a Lease on his NUTS

- Response by boxer1, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Self-Employed

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Because too many men today have been neutered by women, society, education, feminism and pop culture. They're doing it to avoid fights, avoid hearing her bitch, avoid drama and hearing her whine and complain, etc.

Why don't the women let him go? Because women today are SO insecure that they think that marriage means we can never be separated or do anything apart.. is that's soooo romantic??? NO!! It's aggravating to men who are fiercely independent. Then women can't figure out WHY men are SO scared of getting married..the whole divorce rate and losing everything in divorce court notwithstanding.

Men lose far more than the gain with women and marriage today because a man has to check in with a woman to do anything, just like he did when he was a boy with his mother, which DRIVES US NUTS as kids. We can't wait to grow up so we can do what we want, when we want, then he has to repeat that whole bullshit process all over again for the rest of his life with most women today....screw that.

If a man want's to do it...just do it! He should let her know that he's going out with the guys for some alone time with them and such and that's it. If she doesn't like it...tough shit.

Of course right away women get SO insulted anytime a man doesn't want to spend every free minute with her because they TOO OFTEN are JUDGE FREAKS and assign every action and non action, ever word spoke or unspoken, every tone, hint, volume, pause and everything as having some kind of hidden meaning or subtle message that you are intending to give out. They do this to the point of paranoia and create HUGE amounts of ghost, phantoms, stories and conclusions where none exists.

So if he wants to go away alone, it's because he wants to cheat is their main thing. Even if not, the idea of him being ABLE to have a good time without HER insults her deeply because of HER incredible insecurity that she's NOT the center of his world and universe. Also because women are mostly child like and little girls, they simply don't want HIM to have any fun without her around too.

Women SMOTHER men too much most of the time, especially married ones and then they can't figure out why he needs to have time alone. They CONSTANTLY think that men are the same as them and since they want to connect all the time and stay connected, their limited minds can't FATHOM why men don't want to do that too...duh.

- Response by richsifu, A Rebel, Male, 36-45, Science / Engineering

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Democracy is impossible in a marriage....too many tie votes.

- Response by drumboi2, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Who Cares?

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For many things, it's not asking permission so much as keeping each other informed. For example, now that we are a couple, our social life is more complex. So, we have to run things past each other. Before I say "OK" to a social engagement, I check with my husband and he does the same. This is not asking permission so much as making sure we don't double book.

For things like major purchases - we have a joint account. So, it's not that we are asking each other permission so much as we are making decisions about major purchases together.

For things like letting me know if he is going to be out late with a friend - he is not asking my permission so much as keeping me informed so I don't worry, and I do the same. For a while, I was getting together with some friends once a week to play a MMPORPG, and if I was going to be quite late I would call him because I knew otherwise he would wait up on me. He was getting together with a guy friend once a month and spending the night Friday night (they would be drinking) - but we would plan to do stuff together Saturday. So, if he decided to stay at his friend's place for longer than anticipated, he would call and make sure we hadn't scheduled anything he'd forgotten about. Plus, he wanted to make sure I didn't worry about him.

Now, the only time we actually ask permission is if I make a new guy friend and he makes a new female friend - then we both run the person past the other... because a lot of times, if a guy wants more from me than a friendship, my husband will pick up on that, and if a woman wants more from him than friendship, I will, and so we are careful to approve of each others' opposite sex friends.

Mostly, all of this stuff is reciprocal, and just part of making a long lasting happy marriage. It's about being considerate and being part of a partnership.

- Response by curvysmartgirl, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Dallas, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I don't expect my huband to ask permission if he wants to do something with his friends or family, but as a courtesy, he'll always let me know if he has plans to make sure they don't conflict with mine.

- Response by experience101, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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It's just a matter of respect. Sometimes there are events or occasions where you might have to attend. It's just nice to know you're not making dinner for them and they won't be home. Also the fact if someone calls asking for them you can take a message and let them know when they might be back.

- Response by sweetncharmn1, An Engaged Guy, Male, 36-45

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I had the same problem when dating a certain ex that loved hunting. He would always ask if he could go, and I told him he didn't have to ask me. He would say it would leave me alone all weekend, and I would just tell him I wasn't a helpless little girl that couldn't entertain herself.
Time away is good for both people. It makes them appreciate each other more and they are much happier. It only causes trouble when they don't have any hobbies or outside interests.

- Response by dreamdancer, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Houston, Other Profession

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C'mon, what's the real issue here? You are jealous of your married friends?

- Response by sweetmama247, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Buffalo, Home Maker

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I don't "ask permission" from my wife, but because I respect her, I check with her to see if "we" didn't have something else going on.

Whether that is plans to go out, stay in, or what.
She keeps "our" social calendar, and I fill in any dates that are not already taken. Sometimes I fill it in with time to "hang out" with her, sometimes it's to hang out somewhere else.

And this is why married people end up "dropping" their single friends - "relationships" need time. So, if at the end of the week, I'm not choosing time with my wife more often than I am with my friends, I'm not really going to have much of a marriage. Since I chose to marry, I chose my wife over all my friends, so it is consistent with that choice to continue to choose her over my friends. And if those friends don't like the choices I make - so what? They can go elsewhere, it's not like we're married...

Married people have different values from single people.
People with different values need more time to make their relationships work. That is time I would rather invest in my marriage, to be quite honest.

- Response by tooluser, A Career Man, Male, 36-45

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