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What do you do when your 17 year old daughter is out of control? and her dad, in home, won't help?
Family & Parenting / 5:59 AM - Friday February 04, 2011

what do you do when your 17 year old daughter is out of control? and her dad, in home, won't help?

my daughter comes and goes as she pleases. it is now almost 4 am and i have not heard from her. she won't answer her phone. Every day she is late for school, if she shows up at all. this is not the first time she has been out all night. she hits me, kicks me, and tells me off, all the time. her dad, my husband, does nothing to punish her. he gives her money for gas or pretty much what ever she wants. he says its easier to let her do what she wants. she does not do any chores around the house. my other two children do what they are asked. No matter what i say, she will do just the opposite. i am so at my wits end. i feel all alone in my own home. not only does she do what she wants, but, when i try to get her dad to punish her by taking her keys away or making her do chores,or just grounding her, then her actions cause a huge fight between her dad and me. i found a home prego test kit in her room. she said it was her friends, and that she was just throwing it away for her. Yeah, right. that was at the end of december. she says she's not!! but, i guess only time will tell. when she is home she is always ready to beat her 13 year old brother up. they always fight. she comes into a room and in 10 min, our house is in a complete state of anger. i just don't know what to do. she got a ticket at 4:14 a.m on jan. 22. she got home at 5 am, and by noon she was gone again. yet again, she got no punishment. when i was asking my husband about it, (i was a little mad) he told me I better shut up before he says something that will piss me off. well, that resulted in us not talking for about a week. i feel completely let down by my partner,and daughter. it is now 3:54 AM. i am tired. and she is still not home. someone please help me.

Update: February 04, 2011.
Well, she came home at 4:30 am. I took the keys. I then took the starter off her car. Which yes, her dad and I own. I called the school counciler. My daughter told me she has an appointment with someone to talk to. I tried talking to her today. She flung her hand and hit me in the eye. Not thinking it was on purpose. She says that she hates me and that I am a bad mother. When, I asked her why she thinks that, her answers don't support her thinking. I thank all of you for your answers. I am glad to know that the thoughts I have about what is going on are not alone.

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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Of course it's easier to do nothing with her. However, she is out of control and probably involved in things that would horrify you if you were aware, she is running a russian roulette with pregnancy, and possibly drugs/alcohol/ or even crime. I been there with a kid like this.

I would recommend that you and your husband contact your local county dept of youth services, keep making phone calls until you get someone to help you. in my area there is PINS. Persons In Need Of Supervision. For the under 19 crowd, and it is court ordered. Call her school, set up an appt with guidence, and find out what can be done about her non attendance. and for God's sakes, take the car keys from her!

She will hate you. You may be saving her life.

- Response by nysbikergirl, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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we gave our daughter a lot of slack growing up we did things like her have purple hair because she wanted it but she went to school on time and came home when we told her to if she did not she would have went to juvenile as in our state they fine the parents for the kids missing too much or being constantly late for school. We alwasy loved her but she knew where the line was

- Response by bigcurt, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Pittsburgh, Self-Employed

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My sister did that and more- we are all grown up now she is in her 40s with her own daughter- she survived but went through hell but it is what it took- my mom says you always love your children but at times do not like the things they do. You are doing the best you can without a supportive spouse- family counseling may help at least find a support group for yourself. Time for some tough love- sit her down tell her what she is doing to you and your marriage and the concern for her - there will come a day you will change the locks and she will be on her own. A family will support but if you don't support and respect then you are just on your on until you can.

- Response by sweetshyfree1, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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oh honey, i m so sorry for you.horrifying case.

- Response by cutefish, A Career Woman, Female, 26-28, Teaching

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I i were you i'd pack up the younger kids and leave for a while, let hubby deal with her alone. Maybe that will change both of their tunes.

- Response by beanielou, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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I apologize but this sounds like an extremely dysfunctional family that needs mandatory counseling in a big way. I feel bad for the way you are being treated but I also feel you need to stand up for yourself and stop allowing it. Your husband is acting like a complete failure as a Father by continuing to allow your 17 year old daughter to behave this way. It's not only inappropriate but it's extremely dangerous and she doesn't seem to know or feel the need for boundaries. Who owns the car she is driving? Take the damn keys away from her. Why does she feel it is OK to treat you this way? This whole scenario is a disaster waiting to happen and it's coming quickly. When that time occurs I can assure you that your husband will place the blame entirely on you. What a mess! The next time she beats the 13 year old brother, call the cops and have her sorry little a** thrown in jail for a few days. It's time for the 17 year old to grow up and stop being so disrespectful. Good luck!

- Response by lilkat316, A Cool Mom, Female, 56-65

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She physically assaults you and you don't call the cops? Why not? She beats your younger children and you don't call the cop? Why not? She is a minor and she stays out past curfew and you don't call the cops on her? Why not? You wait for your husband to take her keys away? Why?

You are enabling her as much as your husband is.

- Response by justpassingthru, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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You and your husband need to get on the same page. It seems like he is shirking his parental responsibilities and yes, you do need help. Both of you need to be on a united front. Can you go see a family counselor because I know you can't take much more of this. You already have the tools but your husband needs to get with you on this or else I believe your marriage is going to or already is suffering. He needs to stand by you or else this daughter of yours is a train wreck waiting to happen. Soon she will be 18 and you can kick her out if she doesn't follow the rules. But first try to get counseling at least for you and her at first.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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I personally think she is crying out for Help.. Maybe therapy will do the trick. Her dad is very passive & maybe she thinks he just don't care, she's really angry about something..Take her to therapy!!!!

- Response by spitfire815, A Hippie Chick, Female, 66 or older, Who Cares?

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I wanted to add a further thought on this....
there is a fine line between 'tough love' and giving up on the kid.

You have to use authority to get her to shape up, and stick to your guns, and not give in, yes, tough love. but kicking her out, emancipating her, etc, is (imo) giving up on your kid. We don't do that.

She needs to be made to see that her actions are hurting her now, and will land her in a world of deep crap. There are many agencies out there to help you with these kinds of problems. Maybe even a Big Sister program is an option.

On an immediate front, have you actually tried to look her in the eye and gently tell her you are worried, scared for her?
Perhaps even offer to get her some birth control and education?

You also have to be aware that your 13 yr old may need counseling and help due to this forceful behavior on his sister's part. And, if he goes to the school nurse, etc and reveals this, your home will be flooded with inquisitions from the System. You and your husband need to get a plan together ASAP.

- Response by nysbikergirl, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Honestly? You are way beyond anything you can do on your own. You need to get the whole family into counseling and you and your husband into marriage counseling. Apparently this situation has gone on waaaay too long.

In addition, why do you allow your daughter to abuse and assault you and your family. It is your job to protect your other children. You need to call the police if she assaults you or anyone else in your family. (BTW the court will order her into treatment) If you are unwilling to do this, then you need to take your younger children and leave, or at least find a safe living environment for the younger ones. How do you think they feel about you choosing your older daughter over them?

- Response by roseasterrose, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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The problem is her father.She is looking for guidance and true love ,not to be passified.

- Response by sunny396e, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Atlanta

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