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Active Questions

Should you pay bills for gf/bf? Does it mean they are just using you?How would you react?
Dating / 12:14 PM - Wednesday February 02, 2011

Should you pay bills for gf/bf? Does it mean they are just using you?How would you react?

If you have a relationship with a gf/bf and they have always expected you to pay their bills,how do you tell them enough is enough?Especially if they won't go out to find a job.If they don't listen to your reasoning, should you just dump them?Thanks.

- Asked by romeo987, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, London

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why should you even give them any type of explanation?? it's your money, simply stop paying them.
plus, i'd ask her what she does for you in return.

- Response by beanielou, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Any number of people might like me to pay their bills, but I'm sure not going to.

This is not about "reasoning". This is about an overall relationship dynamic.

I suspect if the payor stopped, the non-payor would soon find a new payor.

- Response by trawna, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Toronto, Consulting

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Community Rating: Community Star

Are you the guy with the girlfriend you met on the internet with 5 kids and lives in the Phillipines with her ex husband?
In that In the vent you're not him.....after a few months of this...she should offer to pull he own weight, even if she pays SOME of her bills....but she's not even trying as of now...

- Response by epiphanomaly, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Philadelphia, Self-Employed

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Well it depends wats going on if they are not trying to help out at all throw them to the curb but if they are making an effort give some time and convince them to go look fora job with u there are alot of ways this can be handled best way is to i think get a piece a paper and write out how u feel and how u can handle it sanely

- Response by shugira, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 22-25

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Since you're doing them a HUGE favor, it's up to you how long you want to continue doing that.

If you keep paying their bills, they don't have a reason to work ... let them work to pay their share. If they won't, they you have to decide if that's something you want to be involved in.

- Response by mrscleaver16, A Married Girl, Female, 66 or older

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Well there's a difference between not having money and being a moocher. A moocher will be taken out to dinner 10 times but will never offer to at least make you dinner. When evaluating a person see if they try to make it up to you other ways. That is the telling thing, not the money.

- Response by 7zebras, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, New York, Financial / Banking

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- Response by momof4, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Administrative

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Yes. Dump this person.

Personally for me, I don't date guys who are not financially independent and responible.

Deal breaker.

How come you started paying her/his bills in the first place? Learn from this experience and do not enable others' irresponsible financial habits.

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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Hi Romeo

One of the reasons for dating is to see if the woman is someone you can live with for the long haul. And one the most important characteristics men should be on the lookout is how she handles her finances. This is one part of the relationship that can cause extreme friction and is a deal breaker.

In short, if the landlord is after the monthly rent, her car is about to be repossessed, she can't buy food for the week, this girl is a mess. She is not someone you should be with, unless you are up to these shenanigans for the next 30 years.

When looking for a relationship with a woman, men should make sure she is a giver, has integrity, and has her finances in order. Men should always pay for the date, but not her bills. Paying the bills comes after you get married. If you live together out of wedlock, which I don't recommend, you should be paying half the bills.

I hope this helps. : )

- Response by falling, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Los Angeles, Teaching

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The way a relationship starts sets the tone for the entire relationship. If she's "always" expected you to pay her bills then you missed (or didn't care about) those bright red gold-digger flags she was waving in the beginning. She's a sorry excuse for a woman but the one credit that I can give her is that she was herself from the start lol She is not going to change or stop expecting money...bottom line. So, you either continue to be The Bank of Boyfriend or, you end it.

- Response by surrealoptimism, A Creative, Female, 29-35

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If the cost is more than trivial, and she is not raising YOUR children in exchange for the support, then you should dump her.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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I think you should explain that you can't keep paying their bills/need help from him/her with the bills. Anyone with any respect for their significant other will respect that... If they don't, then yes, you should just dump them. That's called "taking advantage."

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Providence, Student

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If she doesn't listen to a word you say yet still has her hand out for your money, it's time to stop giving it.

- Response by hooperx, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Washington, DC, Medical / Dental

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That is not a "reasonable expectation" of a gf or bf.

One of the things I always found attractive in women I dated, was the desire to be a productive contributing member of society, not just in a relationship with me.

If she just wants to be with you, then there is a much higher standard of "what have you done for me lately?" that I think applies.

If she is not going to have a job "outside the home," then she damn well better be working hard inside your home. ESPECIALLY if you have no kids together. Of course, the presupposes that she lives with you...

If she does not even live with you, then I think you may as well just go throw that money around the street, since I cannot think if ONE SINGLE REASON why I would pay bills for someone who is not "family" by marriage or blood. NONE.

BUT paying her bills does not give you the right to dictate her life, just to "expect" that she behave a certain way. AND if she does not, then your ONLY alternative - rather than nag her to death - is to cut her off.

No ultimatum, no more nagging, no bargaining. Make your pitch, give a deadline, then act. That is how you treat an equal. Anything more or less, and you are playing at being her parent, or worse.

- Response by A Career Man, Male, 46-55

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It sounds like you have already fell into this trap so I imagine you are now seeking to exfiltrate yourself from it.

Do you really want to be with someone that wont look for a job and wont pay their own bills? If so, then you need to ease yourself out of paying for their bills. Just tell them that you can't do it anymore. Use any number of reasons: you have to start saving for ____. You have to pay more for _____. Or whatever....

If you have realized that you do NOT want to be with someone that expects you to foot the bill then plan your escape - find another place to live (if you live with them), if you are moving out then make sure all the stuff is out of your name when you move out. Then, I'd just do it quickly. I wouldn't go through a long drawn out process expecting them to change. They wont. good luck!

- Response by clarkgriswold, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45

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