|Sex & Intimacy / 11:32 AM - Thursday January 20, 2011|
I'm not interested in sex with my boyfriend anymore..
We have been together 5 months. I have no interest at all in being intimate with him. He comes over every night, which I believe is the real problem. From the very first day we met, we havent spent a night apart. I think I need space, but when I mentioned it to him, he gets all freaked out saying, "If theres a future between us, and one day we do want to live together how is taking a couple nights away from each other gonna solve that? Its just putting our relationship in reverse." I don't want to break up with him because I do enjoy his company and hes my best friend, but I really would like a couple nights to myself without him guilt tripping me. Tonight is suppose to be "sex night" as he put it, I really dont want to, now I just feel forced. I feel a huge fight coming on tonight, which may be the end. Maybe I just shouldnt have a boyfriend, my sexual interest has always been low. I know its not fair for him. Should I end the relationship or try to work on it?
- Asked by Female, 26-28
Whether you decide to work on it or not is up to you, and ultimatley will be decided based on how you and he deal with this. First, obviously you both have different committment levels here. You may think you don't but you do. He wants to be with you everynight and you want "alone time". Neither is right or wrong, but they are mis-matched. He will have to decide if he is cool giving you space and you will have to decide how important that space is compared to him. As far as the sex thing, what you are feeling isn't abnormal. Most females aren't at their sexual peak when they are in their 20's...even their 30's. Men peak between between 18 and 25! That is why a stiff wind will get us erect and we don't always "last" that long in our teens and 20's. When we get older we take more to get erect and last much longer. We are designed that way. Biologically we are designed spread DNA quickly and easily when we are really young. We always want it and sometimes want it more than once a day. Even later in life when we calm we often want it more than our owmen do. I once had my testosterone levels checked (it is primarily responsible for sex drive), mine was dangerouly low. Yet, it was still ten times what a normal woman's would be. So even with mine so low I had levels 10 times higher than my wife's! If testosterone gives us our sex drive then there is almost no way that a woman's drive will EVER match a man's. It DOES change when women approach 40 and peak sexually. They may find they want it everyday or multiple times a day and the mans testosterone levels drop big time and he may seem like he could take it or leave it. At that point the roles tend to reverse. My point? Different sex drives will ALWAYS be an issue. Couples don't find bliss becuse they are matched perfectly in a sexual capacity. That is garbage. What happens sexually is they compromise...not the frequency, but what is required. The woman may stop requiring a bed of rose petals to get into it and the man may increase fore-play. The guy realizes he may not get it EVERYDAY, and the woman realizes she won't keep him happy with 2 or 3 times a week. Women have emotional needs (what you are describing in your post) we men are expected to meet them...ALL THE TIME. Men have physical needs...they should be considered AS important as those emotional needs women have. You have no "obligation" though you aren't married. There is just a valuable lesson to be learned for you here. You are perfectly within your rights. There is nothing wrong with what you feel or want. You just have to decide what each of you want and expect. He isn't wrong and you aren't either. You aren't right and he isn't either. It isn't about wrong or right. It is about different needs and expectations. This is the sort of stuff dating is designed to work out. He is right in another sense though. If you need 48 hours of alone time, it doesn't bode well for the relationship moving toward living together or marriage anytime soon. Sure, married people get "alone time", but not like pop culture and mass media would lead you to believe. Lots of people who live together or marry and put a lot of money, time and energy into "alone time" or "guys/girls nights out" have issues...in general. You will hear about all sorts of folks making it work. But in long term, successful relationships you will find that it happens naturally, not by concerted effort. But hey...you aren't there yet. It just sounds like he is further along than you. That is perfectly ok! The sad, but very telling thing here is that you feel no sexual desire for him right now. That is a sign that this...right now...has become too much. What you have to remember is that if you do decide to take it up a notch in this or any other relationship, frequency of sex and time together can't be dictated by only one of the partners. If it is, then resentment is cultivated and resentment can kill. This doesn't spell "fight" or "the end". You just need to have a long HONEST discussion. Maybe you need to kick it down one gear and relax...then in time it will heat back up. If he and you are ok with that, this may all work out in the future. You though, have to realize that you can't keep a man wanting sex in a committed relationship. If you aren't into pre-marital sex or something then that is another story. But, if you are sexually active with a guy and committed then you have to understand he will need and want sex. He isn't an animal or insensative. Like I said you will have emotional needs you need met. You will expect those met all or most of the time. He will have emtional needs too, but more often mens' needs are sexual. We derive affirmation and confirmation of how our women feel for us and who we are through sex. It is how we are wired. Just like he will have to listen and "be there" when he sometimes doesn't feel like it, you might have to have sex when you don't necessarily feel like it. The hope is you love him and he loves you and he is a decent enough lover that you GET into it and enjoy it anyway. A survey of 40,000 men asked them to prioritize their relationship needs. Most will guess sex was #1. It wasn't RESPECT was. Sex was #2 or #3. Regardless it was up there. 40,000 women were asked to do the same thing. They put SECURITY as their #1 need. Sex wasn't even in the top five! There was joke that for women sex was like #23, right behind grdening ;0) Who knows? The bottom line is our needs as men and women are always going to be different. Love isn't something you feel it is somehting you do. It is a verb not a noun. I wish you luck and happiness. I know some of what I said sounds like it runs counter to what our society teaches young people. But my knowledge comes from counceling, reading and personal experience with my marriage and others of people I know. It is also based in reality and honesty, not to mention science. If you aren't ready for what he is, then just take care of yourself and be honest. But you also need to be careful that you don't cut off your nose to spite your face. You can't have it all. Just decide what you want at this point in your life.
Why not try explaining the problem to him/with him and then maybe work on it together? Either way, good luck to you.