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My wife says she loves me, but she does not feel like having sex anymore. What should I do?
Sex & Intimacy / 2:07 AM - Wednesday January 12, 2011

My wife says she loves me, but she does not feel like having sex anymore. What should I do?

I asked her if she was cheating on me, she said no. I asked her if she found me not desirable and she that it's not that. I asked her if she was depressed, she said no. I have tried starting a romantic evening to get her going, but it just does not work. I have no idea what else to do... and we are both only 24 years old. We have been married for over 5 years, no kids, great jobs and no problems whatsoever, except for the lack of sex. She says that she does not know what the problem is, and I have tried talking to her multiple times, about it. I have firm believes that intimacy is a great part of the relationship, and yet somehow she just does not care. I told her to get help, she takes no effort to do it. I bought some libido enhancers, and yet she does not want to try them. I have no idea what else to do. Any ideas?

- Asked by A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 29-35

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You both need to reduce her stress load.
At her age, it's GOT TO be stress. She needs a vacation, she needs to do something she's always wanted to do, find a new zest for LIFE.
spend too much money for once, have an extravagant day, eat someplace nice or exotic for once.
Often that does the trick.

She might just have the 'blues' and is generally bored with life and stress on her nerves real bad. I get that way, I am 26.

She needs to stay HYDRATED, bodily systems start to shut down if you're dehydrated. Nutrition is important. she can ease up on the dieting and EAT SOMETHING with some fat in it, sometimes that kicks up my libido.

Is she taking birth control pills? sometimes those can kill a libido in some women. Switching brands might remedy the situation!

It's probably anxiety and stress, most likely, if her health overall is good.
Be a good husband and try to help her solve some problems. Pay a bill off for her, massage her shoulders when SHE gets home from work, cook her dinner MORE often, do the dishes for her.
She might just be run down and exhausted.
Oftentimes, if you pitch in MUCH more with housework, the woman gets some rest and the sexdrive comes back. Hey, it's worth a try!

If she is bored and uninterested, take her to a sex toy store. Buy 1 or 2 things to "try". It might light the flame back up. Would she watch a porno movie together WITH YOU? Porn movies also make women horny.

Romance is the way to her heart...but not NECESSARILY to her clitoris! haha. I made that up. It applies to me.

Humor is a turn-on. Make her laugh. Don't matter how. come up with silly "inside-jokes" with twisted meanings only YOU TWO know about.

Maybe more physical intimacy? more warm long hugs and kisses in general?
My husband rouses me this way, by just showing Affection and Caring. long, warm HUGS relax me and turn me on.
Try to increase the general amount of Touching with her. The non-sexual will turn into sexual. Let HER instigate the sexual.

It could be the birth control method she's on...?

Also, are you keeping your hygiene up? Really. If unsure, improve on that.

Hope this helps.

I have a Bachelor Degree in Psychology.

- Response by discotrash, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Las Vegas, Other Profession

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Community Rating: Community Star

Hi Married Guy

Oh boy, huh! Ok, I know you feel upset at the cold shoulder response your wife is giving you. You're wondering where the woman you married went, the one that made you sooo happy that you couldn't wait to get home to play with her. Right?

Well, if you think about it, her cold shoulder to sex with you was not abrupt. If you were paying attention, you noticed it kinda crept up on you ever so slowly. It may have started with her saying she had a "headache" or that she was "tired" or did not "feel well"or that she had "a million things to do" and you were OK with it, at first! But then you began to notice she did not touch you as much; that she was not acting the same when you started to initiate romance. She may even have made it clear either verbally or through gestures that she no longer wanted to be touched by you in that way.

Women don't have to spell it out to men because we get that "Gut Feeling" that something is wrong. Unfortunately, our gut feeling is correct, but not wanting to have sex with you is only a symptom of the real problem underneath. When a woman no longer wants to have carnal pleasure with her husband, it is a sign that her interest level in him has dropped and is slipping slowly south.

Think of interest level a fuel gauge on a car. When a woman's interest level in on "Full", she's all over you, she has that twinkle in her, she laughs at your jokes, she can't wait to have you home to jump your bones. As the needle on a woman's interest level gauge drops to the ¾ mark, so does her behavior toward you. At this point, she doesn't touch you as much, she's not laughing at you jokes as much, and you have to touch her for her to touch you back. This is when you start feeling something is quite not right. At half a tank, the "headaches" start and she begins to not want to have sex has much or at all.

Unfortunately, the woman really does not know why she is feeling this way. She is actually engaged in an inner struggle. She knows she should be feeling desire and having sex with you, but she can't get herself to do it. This is why when you asked her about it, she could not give you a satisfactory answer. But I don't think your wife is having an affair. Affairs on the woman's part are rare. If an affair where to happen, it would occur at ¼ of a tank level. At this point, more likely, she begins to contemplate leaving the relationship by either separation or that nasty "D" word-Divorce.

What you have to do is stop the downward spiral of your wife's interest level. You have to pull back on what you're doing. Don't bring up the sex topic again. Remember it has not helped in anyway. Hold back your desire to touch her, cuddle, kiss, or anything physical. Don't get angry with her and show no emotions on the lack of sex. Make sure you put on a happy face around her even if it's tearing you up inside. Arguing on this topic will not help. Also, make sure you do your share of the housework. She should eventually come around. But if she doesn't, you will have to decide if you can live with this or not. Ultimately, this choice is yours.

I wish all the luck. : )

- Response by falling, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Los Angeles, Teaching

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I agree with the other two answers about housework and so on. However, I would not bring up sex again because when women are not turned on talk of sex tends to make us feel like a piece of meat instead of attractive and more turned on. I would suggest taking a day off and do some things together, especially if there is something fun you can do that you did on your first date or something. You need to remind her why she fell in love with you. Try doing things that involve team work and physical contact, couples yoga, rock climbing etc. Try not to make it obvious that you are trying to up her libido or anything, this is just a day for fun. Try to end with one of her fav movies that would instigate a bit of cuddling and then try to talk to her. Again no mention of sex but talk about work and family etc. Goal is to find out if there is something specific that is going on in her head.
For other suggestions (or if she doesnt open up) I suggest that you try to observe her overall behaviour and describe it to us, perhaps we can find clues of what is going on

- Response by tuala, A Creative, Female, 26-28, Student

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You are right intimacy is a great part of a relationship when it feels great emotionally as well. You are mature to talk about it with her but that can sometime just highlight the problem...I would say just initiate touching her innocently in a non-sexual way just for the sake of showing her you love her...i.e. a hug without migrating hands or a kiss on the cheek without it turning into an aggressive kiss. Women hate to feel objectified and perhaps that is what is happening.

I'm in your wife's boat right now....ironically I still desire my husband (as often as when we first got together, hell no...because that is just not realistic and over time that lusty fuck me all the time honey lust fades becasue that is life).... but lately he only seems to touch me in a sexual way...i.e. he wants a hug but he massages my ass or breast with it, a kiss that lasts too long with this stupid look and the other day he actually grabbed me and humped my leg like a fucking dog....and put my hand on his erection and laughed.

He thought it was cute and funny but I was a little mortified.

When touch is only a precursor and not just intimate because I love you....that is a major turn off to me....all the other stuff is at play too....I work long hours, travel do my share of housework which he does help a great deal there but I hate being touched overtly sexually and not just getting a hug for the sake of a hug. I need to talk to him about this but feel that he will likely respond with a dry hug as sarcasm since I am sure he is feeling rejected....this is causing a physical rift as now he has started sleeping on the couch "watching TV" which I think is super juvenile...just be super nice to your wife....offer to help her around the house or make dinner for her and send her a nice text during the day...that should help her to miss you in that way. Good luck.

- Response by clip22, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Executive

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Man, these are some great responses! One of the few threads that offers advice and help! lol.

Ok, now I have to ruin it, jk.

I don't have much experience (zero) in the marriage department, but I got plenty of experience in the cold sholder / no sex department. If I were in your shoes I would do a few things to see if I could win her back.

First, I'd take off work early and rush to the store for fresh groceries and make her dinner. Women love a good meal, and they notice when you're trying to pamper them. She'll enjoy it. But you have to put some effort into it. Don't be ashamed to ask questions about recipes and cooking techniques, but don't ask her annoyingly. Tonight, no sex. Just make her feel loved and cared for, not intimate or erotic. Remember, no sex.

Second, I wouldn't expect sex until you've satisfied her. I would buy her and a friend a day at the spa and let her enjoy life without you, but you'l be on her mind cuz it was your idea. Again, no sex. If your budget doesn't approve buy the mani-pedi, its like 60 bucks, and send her to the mall for the day with a friend. Anyway, the idea is for her to reconnect with her femininity. She needs to feel like a woman again. Clean while she's away and prepare a dinner-movie night. I would use some candles or low light and eat in the family room, or even in the bedroom. Again, no sex. But tonight, I think she'd be down for a lil 'dine in' if you know what i mean. No sex! As much as she may want to, or you want to, its important that you can control the situation. You don't want to disappoint, so let her have fun and give her what she needs. But don't go all the way, and don't be pushy.

Third, and lastly, I would get funny. I would do something that screams "do me." Like workout after work right in front of her. I would be blasting some upbeat music that she likes and keep the modd light around the house. After working out, I'd throw her over my shoulder and say something stupid like "Its time we got you wet." A good session of shower sex cures a lot.

Again, this is all in my head. But I think I would make it important to show her that you are a physical sexual being, and that her happiness is most important to you (not the fact that she's been stiffin you for months).

This is not something that is "wrong" with her or you. Its just a funk. And no better way to get out of a funk than to get funky.

- Response by crash2me, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 26-28, Student

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Oral sex....become a pro at it and she will be begging for it

- Response by humpdaddy, A Jock, Male, 46-55, Columbus, Other Profession

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Sex is a fundamental part of marriage. She is refusing her marriage vows. Since she has abrogated her marriage you have no obligation to her support. Kick the bitch out and find someone else.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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I've been surching for the answer to this question a life time, still looking. Really enjoyed the responses you got but didn't learn much new. Unfortunately the responce was just as I've experienced.

Mentioning any lack of sex in a relationship just makes her problem with it worse. Only hug, kiss, and cuddle with her in an intimate mannor without being excited by her body, breast or ass. Leave those alone. Touch her just to make her feel good without you having a though to sex. Don't expect much sex either now you been together a while because she's lost her lust for it. She doesn't need it that often. Reduce her stress, pay off her bills, do more housework, take over cooking. She needs more expensive vacations with exotic dinners. Let her take more days off, she works hard. Text her nice messages to let her know she always on your mind, but not sexually. Be super nice to her all the time and maybe she'll toss you a bone now and then. If all this attention to her, constant touching, and endless thinking of her arouses you, forget it, put it out of your mind. When or if she feels like sex she'll let you know.

If you find out how to get your wife to love you as much and often as you would her please let us know. Till then I can only tell you my experience. After 19yrs with my wife it was almost nonexistant. I watched TV and stayed on the couch just so I didn't have to think about it. For 21yrs sense I surched for that perfect woman and found they all will love a man to death to catch him, just not to keep him. It's either move on each time she's lost her lust for loving or limit time with her untill she found it once again.

Today I date one woman, have for 9yrs now, but only once or twice a week. I don't have to think about what I can't have all the other days of the week and ups the odds she'll find her lust for loving when we finaly get together.

- Response by fluff47, A Father Figure, Male, 56-65, Self-Employed

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This is a difficult question that many couples go through because I'm there like your wife. Not feeling the passion and my man and I have been together for a very long time. Try to find that spark once again before it is too late. I've tried but it has been difficult when life gets complicated. You don't have any children to cause stress, is her job stressful, is she bored with married life, does she have other hobbies or interests outside? Perhaps the two of you can find a hobby together to get that emotional intimacy back or go back to where you first dated and have a weekly date, do something different and spontaneous. It doesn't have to be sexual but show appreciation for her. Help her with chores around the house, try a bubble bath for her with candles, music, wine, chocolate covered strawberries and a relaxing massage for her. Sometimes, birth control pills can lower a woman's libido as well or maybe she should get a check-up. How do you two spend time together? Do you have interests together? If you searched all these avenues, perhaps counseling is in order.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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