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Do most parents allow their adult children to move back home?
Family & Parenting / 12:55 AM - Monday January 10, 2011

Do most parents allow their adult children to move back home?

My significent other insists most parents allow their grown kids to move back home indefinitely no questions asked and have an open door policy. Not in my world. He says I'm wrong. We are planning to get married and he wants me to move in with him. I have young children, and we both have pets. We don't have a lot of money or much room. So I'm not talking about parents with huge homes and big incomes. And his son is a college graduate who is almost 30 years old, and it's not an emergency situation. He has other options, but his dad will allow him to live with him/us rent free without contributing anything (not even chores) to the household. He has done it before. I am not comfortable starting a new marriage with another grown man living in the house, and his son is often rude to all of us, and is intolerant about the younger kids and pets, causing a lot of turmoil. I have always been told that at age 18 or after college graduation, the kids should find their own way. My oldest had to share the rent with 3 roomies for a time, but never moved back home after college. I don't know a lot of people, so my S/O insists I don't know what I'm talking about, and says most parents would allow their kids to return anytime without expecting anything in return, because that's what parents do. I don't really think that's particularly good for either the grown kids or the parents, unless there is extreme need. Then I can understand making an exception. And I do understand how sometimes living with extended family works out well for everyone, but this is not that type of case. This would only benefit one person. Am I being unreasonable or is he?

Update: January 10, 2011.
Actually I would welcome his elderly parent or any other considerate person. We are not talking about a considerate person but a person with a sense of entitlement who doesn't lift a finger to contribute and just takes. We are talking about someone who is able bodied and educated and who has many opportunities but wants to take the easy road and the free ride. As I stated in the original post I would help someone in need or someone who was working together to benefit the whole family or group. That is not the case in this situation. He has been there before and openly bragged about living off his dad, and mooching. I just don't want to be a part of that.

- Asked by Female, 56-65

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I would allow my kids to come back home. However they would have to help around the house,do their own laundry etc . They would have to be respectful and tolerant of young kids and pets. If they didn't act right so to speak,they would be asked to leave. I would always have an open door policy but there would be rules to follow. I live with my mom now but I can't just do what I want. I have to help clean. I buy all the food and cook dinner. If I go somewhere I tell my mom where I'm going and when I'm coming back. I have to respect her and her home or move out.

- Response by misskitty420, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35, Student

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Hmm... Your S/O is dead wrong. I grew up in a time where when you turned 18, you either went to college or you got a job. But, either way, you where out of the house unless you simply needed a place to crash on way to your next job. This idea that children don't have to learn to be self-sufficient is crap and leads to people who don't take responsibility for their actions and choices.

I've already made it clear to my daughter that she can do anything she wants with her life, but living at home after college is not one of them -- unless it's an emergency of some kind. She understands that being in control of her life and being self-determinant is a goal that's important for all individuals. There is pride in being successful and being able to stand on your own two feet.

So, stick to your guns. There is no excuse for being rude or continuing to nurse at the teat of your parents past graduating college. His son needs to get a job and get a life and leave yours alone except at the holidays.

Good luck.

- Response by taichichuan, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Washington, DC, Consulting

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Sounds like there has already been drama surrounded by his son.
No wonder he's been coddled!!

In some cultures many generations live together, mostly out of necessity.
But the American dream is to achieve these things on your own, own your home have a successful career start a family.

I have a step son in his early 20's has been struggling for several reasons since high school. He has manipulated and mooched off of everyone in his family to the point that nobody will help him anymore. Why? For the most part he will not own up to his responsibilities. If he would have just tried from the get go I would have no problem lending a helping hand.
Our family, i.e. his Mom and Dad and sister as well as myself have come to realize that we are only enabling him, and that he will never become a productive member of society much less be able to provide for him self.

You need to be on solid ground and parenting issues before you move to the next level make sure you both have the same ideals and goals before moving forward.

- Response by seasons4, A Sportif, Female, 46-55, Financial / Banking

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Once they have moved out, there out for good.

- Response by steady4rhyne, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Self-Employed

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I agree with your boyfriend to an extent. I think 30 is a bit old to be moving back home, but allot of college graduates do move back home until they find a job and get established. This is actually a very common occurance. So he's not too far off in his thinking but one would think at 30 yrs old you should be able to stand on your own.

Now with regards to not contributing. I think if you live in your parents home as an adult you should at least contribute what you can as well there are house rules that need to be followed. This is just part of the deal and if you don't like it then live on your own.

- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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The world is a different place today and it is harder for young people to make it. When I was 17 I graduated high school traveled across the country made my own pay, paid rent and put myself through college. This is not possible today for young people. Many generations are living together now and it's because they can't afford to be alone. Would you feel this way if it were an elderly parent instead of a child? Family is family.

- Response by carrie1anne1, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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they were his kids long before he met you .

- Response by headscratching, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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