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Getting married in 5 months..unsure?
Sex & Intimacy / 12:43 PM - Monday January 03, 2011

Getting married in 5 months..unsure?

I hope some helpful advice will sway me in one direction or the other with this situation. Ive been with my fiance for 3 years, we've been engaged for 6 months. We are a great couple..but we fight at least once a week. Sound like an oxymoron? lol He is a great person, hard working, will help anyone with anything at the drop of a hat, jack of all trades, affectionate, attractive, etc. The downside?..I'm no doctor of course, but I think he may be bipolar, and Im certain he is OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.)
I think he is bipolar, because he is extremely moody, one minute he's maniacally happy for no reason and then the next, all it takes is the dog barking too much, or he stubbed his toe, (random things that just plain happen in life), then he's angry. Angry turns to explosive as the day goes on, when life just doesnt go the exact way he wants it to. The explosive side can last a couple hours, he begins throwing things, breaking things, destroying anything he can find within reach, whether it be his own belongings, or someone elses.
These episodes of rage have calmed down since his doctor put him on an anti-depressant. I believe the medicine has only put a blanket over his problem. He still has outbursts, just not as often, & he still gets angry over silly things. How often is he angry, no exaggeration...about 4-5 days out of a 7 day week.
These countless days of tension, anger, and occasionally rage wear him down, and then he becomes depressed. Are we correct to assume the medicine isn't quite what he needs?
Im sure you're wondering if he is abusive toward me? Physically, no, never, and I know he wouldn't. Mentally? Yes, to an extent. He sometimes makes me feel like I'm not as good of a person as he is, because I don't make enough money, I work part-time (not by choice, whatsoever, it's just what I have to do to meet my productivity goals at my job.)
He boasts about how he works 40 hrs a week, and claims Im lazy. Long story short, he works 40 hrs mon-fri and has his own business at home as a mechanic, so yes, he is always busy. BUT..Im a hairstylist, out of my control, I work 28 hrs a week. Im not a mechanic, so when Im not working, I dont have side jobs to take up all my time. He doesn't seem to understand how different we are as people, and how different our lifestyles are. Im laid back, calm, I work, I come home, I spend time with him, and if im not doing either of them, I enjoy time to myself on the computer. He gets angry at me for this, I find myself feeling like I have to lie about what I did all day, because he wants me to do things that are "productive". So instead of saying I played computer games for a couple hours, I feel I should say that I did the laundry, or cleaned the house, otherwise he'll get mad.
Another mild issue, is, he's a clean freak (thats where the ocd comes in.) By the way, we both are still living at our parents house, but currently looking for our own. Anyway, his obsessiveness with cleaning is that excessive, that when he is here at my parents house, he will actually get the vaccuum out, and do every room that leads to my room (including my room), I have two bedroom doors one leads to the kitchen, and the other to the living room, so he will vaccuum and dust both, so that when he is here, he has the peace of mind knowing that he is in a neat and clean environment. It is nice in one way, but offensive to my family in another. He has made comments about my family being trashy, and we are FAR from it. His mother cleans and vaccuums and dusts everyday, non-stop. That is what he's used to. Here, we do these things twice a he thinks his family is superior because we arent ocd like they are. Everyone is different, and I can accept that, I just wish he could accept me, and my family for the way we are.
If you are reading this, THANK YOU for taking the time to, sorry it was so lengthy. I just feel that I need some advice and opinions on what I should do? I love him for the wonderful amazing person he is when he is not angry, but the other side of him is sometimes unbearable, and he brings me right down with him.
There is so much more that I could get into about, but I'll save that for another time, and save you from reading longer. Those are just the main issues. ANY help, advice, or opinions would be GREATLY appreciated.

Thanks so much for reading.

- Asked by rael106780, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Artist / Musician / Writer

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WHY are so many people associating marriage with Children? YUCK!
many married couples CHOOSE to stay childless!

I am. There IS birth control. jeez. people act like it don't exist!

and myself, AS A MARRIED WOMAN, would have an abortion if the Pill fails me. we cannot afford another mouth to feed and I am VERY VERY perverted and should never be around a child.

MARRIAGE DOES NOT equate having babies!

What twisted thinking!!!!

- Response by discotrash, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Las Vegas, Other Profession

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If in doubt, don't.
If you don't know if you should marry this guy, then don't do it. It's that simple. Whether or not he is bi-polar or manic depressive or whatever, if you don't think you want to marry him 100%, then the answer is no.
The things that bother you now will keep bothering you, only more so because of proximity. The closer you are to someone, the more those worries and concerns will grow.
You two need to have a long talk. You need to tell him what is bothering you and and how it makes you feel. If you can't talk about these things now, how do you expect to be able to talk about them when you are married?
After your talk, you may decide to postpone the wedding to see how things go, how serious he is about getting help and making changes. Then, based on that, you'll decide whether or not you are truly a good fit for each other.
You can't cover problems this big with a wedding ring.
Best of luck.

- Response by falsehammer, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 29-35, Kansas City, Consulting

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Community Rating: Community Star

Whoa Lawd!! You said a mouthful with this one! The obvious is to run for your life. But the part of you that loves is committed to him bcause you've been at this so long. If you were leaving, you woulda been gone.

First I recommend don't put more energy into a persons life than they put into themselves. The glimmer of hope in this situation is that he has sought "professional" help. It seems like that avenue needs to keep being explored. There are deeper issues that need to be addressed and possibly medicated in a different way.

As the love of his life, the only thing you will be doing is standing by him until he "gets" it and begins to fix himself. Meaning, you can't change him. All you can ask is at the end of this journey, what to you expect. If he nver changes will that be ok? Real love has no conditions. You seem to have found ways to cope and tolerate him. You are comforted by the fact that he has never hit you. I ask what happens when he purposely throws something that accidently hits you? What defense will you create for him then?

This man has a past that he is stuck in. It stems from childhood yet, because you place yourself in the line of fire, you take the hits! He's frustrated because whatever his issues are, they follow him @ work, in his friendships...he screwed up but doesn't know why. None of that is about you!! Do you honestly think you can save him from himself. Like you said, he gets down and WANTS to bring you with him.

Love does not get angry, nor puffed up with pride, love believes all things endures all things. I don't know how you define love but it does look, act and performs in a certain way, none of which you have described in his actions. It is also reciprical. you give it and you recieve it in return. Your love bike has a flat tire. You are pedaling but not getting very far.

You know the answer. The solution doesn't negate your love him him but reaffirms your love for YOURSELF!! 'nuff said!! Anymore I'll have to charge. Have a happy new year and best wishes!!

- Response by plsrplace, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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I could take his excessive cleaning if I had to, but the mental abuse and anger issues would be too much for me. If he is like this now he will only be worse after you get married.
He needs to have his medicine adjusted or changed, and he needs therapy to teach him how to handle his anger. Since he breaks things now, it wouldn't be that much of a leap for him to start exhibiting physical abuse.
For me a lot would have to change in order to go through with the wedding. Look at what is best for you so you can have a happy life.

- Response by dreamdancer, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Houston, Other Profession

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sweetie i almost married a guy like that and fortunately had the sense to change my mind... a year later met the nicest man in the world and the relationship is night-and-day compared to my previous relationship. the man has major problems that you cannot help and cannot change. you can't save him so don't think you will. you want to walk on eggshells the rest of your days being mentall abused? you want to have little bipolar/ocd babies bc those disorders are hereditary. think about it. you know the right answer and so does anyone who read your post. be strong and do what is best for you in the long run, dont stay because you're comfortable b/c that's a stupid reason to stay when your whole future happiness hinges on this decision. leaving someone is hard but picture yourself a year from now happy and settled in with a nice normal guy.

- Response by A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45

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If he is seeing a doctor these things need to be brought to his attention so your boyfriend gets the help he needs. I would not get married until he has better control of his feelings and emotions. Take your time and really pay attention to how you feel before you say "I do".

- Response by lasttrueromantic, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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I'm crazy bipolar and I got married. Having a GREAT emotional support system (spouse) could HELP his condition immensely, it did for me.
Is being single/being engaged adding a bit of static constant stress to his life? If settling down and being comfortably married might HELP his condition, go for it.
I'm HAPPIER and have less outbursts married vs. engaged.

I cannot afford the Medicine I need. its $45 a month and I am the ONLY person in my household working, really. (he "works" for less than minimum wage, so I pay ALL the major bills. and I work at WalMart, known for their low wages.)

If you really in your heart want to get married, then get married!

Ignore "cold feet"
but if you've ALWAYS felt this way, that the relationship would be temporary, then Dont marry him.

the question is... can you be happy and fulfilled WITHOUT HIM?
What blessings does he bring TO your life?

My husband blesses me, yet doesn't bring ANY money to the home. He cleans and massages me(twice a day!) and still spoils me in other ways, even though he's a drag financially.

Tell him if he wants THAT MUCH cleaning, for him to hire a maid. 'cause YOU don't have time for it.

YOU have to decide what is a 'deal breaker' for YOU. No one else can tell you that.

- Response by discotrash, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Las Vegas, Other Profession

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My husband cleans the apartment, not ME. thought I'd clear that up! LOL LOL

- Response by discotrash, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Las Vegas, Other Profession

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I've been married over 20 years to the most amazing woman. We have a strong, happy marriage. We are compatible in nearly every way. Yet, we've faced stress & challenges in our marriage - especially the early years. Marriage is a big adjustment & commitment for people who don't face the challenges you do. With the challenges you face with your fiancee, marriage will be exceptionally difficult.
You mention numerous significant differences between the two of you in addition to his personality disorders. Those items alone make the prospects of marriage with him an unhappy experience (his anger & disrespect alone are very troubling).
If you aren't 100% sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with this man in his condition or a worsened condition then do both of you a favor & don't marry him.

Also take into consideration what kind of father this man will be. Do you really want to raise your children with such a critical, volatile person?

You should also

- Response by wheezerman, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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Drugs are not always a band aide especially when dealing with bipolar issues.
But on top of all of that he should be getting some counseling.
I would have serious doubts about marriage too.
Sounds like he has other issues under that band aide.

- Response by seasons4, A Sportif, Female, 46-55, Financial / Banking

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Joan and I were together 12 yrs and never a cross word, I just cannot understand this fighting, You both need to study debating rules,

- Response by duggers, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older

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Do NOT marry this man.

Do NOT continue to date this man.

Your are in an abusive relationship.

Get out NOW.

Find a therapist who specializes in abusive relationships and find out WHY you would consider marrying an abusive man.

Good luck to you. Your local women's shelter is a terrific place to find a list of counselors and a free support group. Make the phone call NOW.

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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