Should I give my bfriend space in a fight after he has hurt MY feelings and wouldn't talk first?
Who is "Right?" Situation: Boyfriend hurts my feelings and I tell him this. He gets mad and begins demanding "space" because he can't deal with the "drama." We have now been fighting for a week because I haven't given him enough "space" (he frequently runs out of the room and when he comes back he refuses to discuss, so we just get into it again over my hurt feelings). He says it's my fault for the lengthy fight because I don't give him the space he needs. He will not calmly discuss the issue before demanding this, not apologize for hurting my feelings. Whose fault is it?
Update: December 28, 2010.
Hello, I'm the original poster. I wasn't expecting so much feedback, so thank you. I should have been more clear in the original post. No matter what the "fight" is over with my boyfriend of 2 years (I used hurt feelings as the latest example), he is out the door for "space" in 5 min max. Doesn't matter if I'm calm, crying, angry, nice, big or small problem, etc. The issue I have is that there is no designated time for return (could be an hour, could be a day) and when he does return he refuses to discuss and if I try to resolve he leaves demanding space again because he doesn't have tolerance for any conflict. I am happy to give a SHORT amount of space (without contacting him) if we'd agree to discuss later...this seems appropriate based on all things I've read about healthy conflict resolution. Because he doesn't do this (and because I know that each small fight will become a weeklong drama and that it is DESTROYING the amazing relationship we had), I do contact him more than he'd like and try to resolve before it gets to that point, which never seems to work (even if I'm apologizing or asking to just end the fight). So, I know we obviously have different styles and no one is 100% right/wrong, but I have been trying to get him to resolve conflict without demanding space (minus boundaries). He just thinks he should get whatever space he asks for, and this is what I think is incorrect, because there is never a time to return for resolution. Hope that is a little more clear.
- Asked by Female, 29-35