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Should I give my bfriend space in a fight after he has hurt MY feelings and wouldn't talk first?
Dating / 8:42 PM - Monday December 27, 2010

Should I give my bfriend space in a fight after he has hurt MY feelings and wouldn't talk first?

Who is "Right?" Situation: Boyfriend hurts my feelings and I tell him this. He gets mad and begins demanding "space" because he can't deal with the "drama." We have now been fighting for a week because I haven't given him enough "space" (he frequently runs out of the room and when he comes back he refuses to discuss, so we just get into it again over my hurt feelings). He says it's my fault for the lengthy fight because I don't give him the space he needs. He will not calmly discuss the issue before demanding this, not apologize for hurting my feelings. Whose fault is it?

Update: December 28, 2010.
Hello, I'm the original poster. I wasn't expecting so much feedback, so thank you. I should have been more clear in the original post. No matter what the "fight" is over with my boyfriend of 2 years (I used hurt feelings as the latest example), he is out the door for "space" in 5 min max. Doesn't matter if I'm calm, crying, angry, nice, big or small problem, etc. The issue I have is that there is no designated time for return (could be an hour, could be a day) and when he does return he refuses to discuss and if I try to resolve he leaves demanding space again because he doesn't have tolerance for any conflict. I am happy to give a SHORT amount of space (without contacting him) if we'd agree to discuss later...this seems appropriate based on all things I've read about healthy conflict resolution. Because he doesn't do this (and because I know that each small fight will become a weeklong drama and that it is DESTROYING the amazing relationship we had), I do contact him more than he'd like and try to resolve before it gets to that point, which never seems to work (even if I'm apologizing or asking to just end the fight). So, I know we obviously have different styles and no one is 100% right/wrong, but I have been trying to get him to resolve conflict without demanding space (minus boundaries). He just thinks he should get whatever space he asks for, and this is what I think is incorrect, because there is never a time to return for resolution. Hope that is a little more clear.

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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When a dog leaves space and is looking for sanctuary if you follow him and keep poking expect to get bitten. What about this elemental dynamic aren't you getting?
You are having a disagreement and he isn't ready to come back to the plate and discuss. He has asked for space and you are badgering him and to boot playing the "I'm indignent and my feelings are hurt" card. Get some ball honey. Sometimes you need to take your lumps like a man and give people space instead of playing it like a pathetic, whiney, demanding, petulant, female version of a horse's ass.

- Response by joybird, An Alternative Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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First, stop being so sensitive. Second, stop pursuing the issue, after he says he needs time. Third, stop trying to assign blame. No one here can tell you whose fault the fight was, we don't even know what it was over. Although, I seriously doubt that it would matter. People tend to tell the side of the story that makes them look like the innocent party.

Let him have the space he needs to sort his thoughts. If you continue to fight like this, he is going to end up needing a lot more space than I think you are ever going to want to give him.

- Response by jess2481, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, Cincinnati, Other Profession

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obviously what you are both doing is not working..
you need to tell him that he hurt your feelings and you want to talk about it but you will wait till he has had a chance to think about it and you will give him his space.

everyone deals with stress and arguments differently and he is telling you he needs his space. you should give him his space. but he should also acknowledge the fact that he hurt you.

ask him how much time (space) he needs and give it to him. do not bother him before that. but tell him that when you talk about it after the period of time is over you need him to acknowledge your feelings in this as well

- Response by fondacox, A Trendsetter, Female, 36-45

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You need to back off! I understand that you are hurt and I'm sure your boyfriend understands this too but sometimes people need time to cool off before they can discuss an issue. Your boyfriend has asked for space but instead you keep wanting to do it your way. Well your way isn't working! It is no longer about who is right or wrong here. You need to let up or else the issue will never get resolved. So would you rather be right and miserable or suck it up and give the man some space so that you can revisit the issue when both of you are less emotional?



- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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It doesn't matter. At the end of the day you respect each other. Give him space, but also take your own well-needed space to figure some things out. When things have calmed down, he will open up to you. Just listen to him completly, without inserting judgement. His feelings are his. And when he's done, acknowelege his feelings. Then open up to him. This is open and honest communication. You might find that you have a healthier relationship thereafter. But now, respect his need for space.

- Response by kizzy75, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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You are both guilty of not knowing how to argue constructively. You need to find new ways to communicate when you are not angry so you can use those tools when you are. I never can understand why people try to stay in relationships with people they are not friends with first and foremost. It sounds like friendship is lacking here.

- Response by maryea, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Retired

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Its hard to make a proper call on this one since you failed to mention what he did to cause your hurt feelings. You are the only one who can control your feelings. If you allow him to play with your emotions and feelings then he will. He is demanding space, give it to him. You also did not say if you are living together and spending all your time with each other. He might be frightened by your clinging. You shouldn't let your hurt feelings become such a dramatic issue. Guys just can't handle drama, crying, hurt feelings and other things that don't include sex. Give him space, get tough on yourself and stop letting your sensitive emotions control your relationship.

- Response by 3wiltedroses, A Creative, Female, Who Cares?, Self-Employed

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You can NEVER be "right" when fighting with your S/O. The only "right" is not to fight. If you were fighting, then you were wrong.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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Well, judging from the variety of answers you received, I can tell you this....no one can be too awful accurate, without knowing if your previous relationships may or may not have had this problem. If any of them did, then it's either you, or how you combine with the personality types you seem to gravitate to.

- Response by epiphanomaly, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Philadelphia, Self-Employed

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....forget about this "Right to be Right" crap and you both will get along much better.

- Response by nameacarl, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, Who Cares?, Oostende, Self-Employed

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sounds like you have a jerk for a boyfriend.
he is immature and egotistical.
dump him to the curb. you do not need this guy in your life.

- Response by mobysdick, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Ugh, story of my life.. wish I could help!

- Response by rtemmy123, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35

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