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My 15 year old teenage daughter wants nothing to do with me....
Family & Parenting / 10:36 PM - Friday December 24, 2010

My 15 year old teenage daughter wants nothing to do with me....

We've been fighting more - she wants to just hang out in her room and be left alone. We've been fighting a lot because her school grades are slipping, she's not doing her chores and I'm always nagging her. So after a fight, she decided she wants to live with her father now (we have 50-50 custody). It's been a month that's she's been over there and doesn't even want to go to my place for the weekend or even a night! And why should she? She has no chores at her dad's, she has no rules or chores either. I went over there to hang out one night, just to see her and by 11pm, she still hadn't taken a shower or eaten dinner - on a school night! I didn't say anything, but I was fuming her dad didn't tell her to go to bed or bother to feed her. I've scheduled counseling - she'll have sessions by herself and then we'll have family sessions (with dad along too). But until then, I call her every night and her answers are short - like I'm bothering her. What should I do - should I continue to call her once a day and visit her over at her dad's or should I just leave her alone and not bother her until we start counseling (which will be hard, but it's also hard after I get off the phone with her and feel like she wants nothing to do with me). This is breaking my heart and I cry all the time over this. Any help would be appreciated.

Update: December 25, 2010.
jess2481 - I went to her dad's at 7pm to see her - not 11pm! Her bedtime at my house is 10pm. I stayed until she started getting ready to go to bed. I'm not sure how you got that I'm "obsess over a man who treated you and your children poorly" - me and my ex-husband are friends and we believe in raising our child together. I'm not obsessing over him, we just have different parenting styles and he didn't treat me or my daughter poorly. I don't want to get back together with my ex husband. I'm not "forcing" my daughter (or my ex husband) into counseling, we all had a family dinner and discussed it and everybody, including my daughter thought it was a good idea. She even said that she would like to talk to a counselor about some other things too! I think you misread my posting.

- Asked by Female, 46-55

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This is a typical mother/daughter thing. I was 15 and hated my mother. My friend has a 15 year old daughter she is fighting with. Just keep doing what you are doing. Yes you are bothering her, you are her mother. But when she snaps out of this in a year or two you can build a friendship there as you prep her to being an adult. Just be consistent and dont take it personal. She'll feed off of that. Let her take her anger out on someone else like her dad.

- Response by thekissbandit, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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when she is with you cook dinner, sit and talk...she is in her own zone but stay focused..show your love. Maintain boundaries...Call her every day and tell her you love her...she is obviously hurting somehow and since you are apart and there is counseling there are indicators the family system is a mess. Don't give up..ever...

- Response by butternutbisque, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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YOU are her MOTHER!!! It is your JOB to hold her young ass to the fire... Stick to your guns..... She NEEDS this kind of reassurance from YOU..... Do WHATEVER IT TAKES.....

- Response by undercoverguy, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Retired

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Well, I'm young! 21. but my parents are not together either. I think shes upset about something. Maybe shes upset about you guys not being together. Maybe she hates the idea of moving back and forth from one parent to another. I would really just sit and talk to her. Ask her for her opinion and have her involved in her life. Maybe you can easy up on the chores for now and thank her for doing it. Most of the time when children have mental disturbance they tend to do not too well in school. If your bothered about her performance at her dad's place maybe you can talk him and explain to him why its bothering you. Tell him its for her own good. I think your an awesome mom and im sure your daughter will realize if she yet has not! I'm not a mother and have no kids..but this is just my opinion!

- Response by miss1kerisa, A Career Woman, Female, 22-25, Toronto, Medical / Dental

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Back off for now. Then hope that you get a good counselor and that counselor can figure out a way to enable you to communicate better with your daughter. Right now she does not like you AT ALL, which means she will not respond to anything that you say or do.

Let her calm down a little. If you are friends with the father, call him each night and ask him for status. Leave her alone because all it will do right now is aggitate her and cause her to rebel further, when there is really nothing to rebel against.

It is the grades at school that matter more than your relationship. And, I would be very aware of the possibility of drug use. In any case, she is happier at Dad's house. Leave her there. Consider that in three years she will be old enough to go and do ANYTHING she cares to.

Something needs to be done, certainly, BUT, you are not doing IT. She is acting out and the only reason they act out, is to get attention. STOP GIVING IT TO HER. It is Dad's turn for now.

- Response by randyl, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Los Angeles, Technical

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the problem here is that you are always nagging her! don't you see it. You are so negative she just wants to stay away from you.


- Response by girlpower08, A Sportif, Female, 36-45

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Its not an easy answer. I've dealt with the same thing with my then 17 and 15 year olds... and they moved in with their mother and in the end now they are 22 and 19 and not talking with me at all now for years... it's a heart break that no parent should endure, but sadly many do in broken homes... you have no power over this and life is too short to make it all encompassing in your life.. all you can hope for is they come around some day... there is estrangement going on like crazy these days and I too feel it should not be so prevalent, but our society is a throw away one and parents are thrown away often....
I'm sorry... I know your pain only too well and there is not much you can do...

- Response by A Father Figure, Male, 36-45, Self-Employed

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Your daughter is no different to any other 15 year old, she is going through a phase. The only thing you can do, is back off; your constant and needless nagging (even though you think it important), is only exacerbating the situation.

Don't get me wrong here, I Do understand how upsetting and frustrating it is for you - I have had a daughter!

This time Will pass.

- Response by askmeanother, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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Why would you go to see her at 11 pm if you thought she was in bed? It seems to me like you are looking for reasons to fault her father for failing her, to justify your own failures in her life. She doesn't want anything to do with you because you continue to obsess over a man who treated you and your children poorly. Forcing her into counseling because of your shortcomings is only going to make her resent you more. Stop trying to project your poor parenting onto her father.

You need to make a choice and you need to make it now, before you lose your other daughter too. Do you want him or your children?

- Response by jess2481, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, Cincinnati, Other Profession

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