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Paying for dates - in a long term relationship, both people should pay, right?
Dating / 11:45 AM - Friday December 10, 2010

paying for dates - in a long term relationship, both people should pay, right?

When I was dating, the way it worked for me - if a guy asked me out, I expected him to pay for everything. After all, he asked me out. I didn't expect an expensive date, though - I assumed that since he asked me out, he also got to pick where we went, and if that meant just having coffee at a coffee shop, that was fine.

After a guy asked me out (and paid for) 2-3 dates, then I figured it was my turn to ask him out if I liked him. I would get the pleasure of planning our date and paying for it.

And, if you care about someone, it IS fun to treat them. If you can't afford a lot, you treat them to an ice-cream and a walk on the beach or a picnic.

I think, given that women and men both have fairly equal career opportunities now, it is only fair that both of them take responsibility for planning and paying for dates in an ongoing relationship. What do you think?

I also think, frankly, that if you are dating someone, you should use this to pace your dates, as well. If you ask him or her out 2-3 times, for example, then you wait for them to ask you out the next time. It's their turn. If they don't ask you out, that's a sign they are not interested, and you move on.

What do you think?

Update: December 10, 2010.
BTW, I don't have an issue with people who like the chivalrous ways of doing things with the guy initiating and paying, or with people who like to split the bill - you know, it's all cool. Different strokes for different folks and all that. For me, personally - I liked taking turns. It's fun to treat someone else and it's fun to be treated - at least I found it so. :)

- Asked by curvysmartgirl, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Dallas, Artist / Musician / Writer

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When I was dating, I always offered to pay half the bill, even on the first date. I never had a guy accept the offer, but they didn't seem to be insulted by it either.

- Response by justpassingthru, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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My way of paying is always like this....
If I invited the person(s) out, then it's definitely my treat, my tip, my expense. I would be terribly insulted, if someone was to pay instead. Now, on the other hand, if I am the one invited, then yes, I would offer to pay, but I am willing to accept their paying, if they do so instead. That's my take on that....

- Response by richard77, A Jock, Male, Who Cares?, Self-Employed

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I totally disagree as its against Chivalry, it the guy who has to take the initiative, ok I can understand when times are hard and money is scarce , thats fare to Dutch, but other wise... lol

- Response by orgasmic007, A Life of the Party, Male, 46-55, New Delhi

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Sadly I believe that you are applying all together to much common sense and clear thinking to an activity that usually concerns members of the opposite sex who are involved in a potentially emotionally charged situation. I do agree with you though. Each person involved should be willing to "Pay the Piper" if they want to Dance keeping in mind the individuals financial situation/ability. :)

- Response by undercoverguy, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Retired

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Dating should be a two way street for sure. I never expect a man to pay at all times, nor do I take for granted that he is going to ask me out every time. I feel good when I pay and the man gets that look on his face like awwwww thanks honey! LOL

- Response by momof4, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Administrative

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After women demanding "equality" for more than 160 years, equal jobs, equal pay, its long past time when women should pay equal for dates.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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Oh you are just ruining two of the test I put to women to know if they are right for me. Offering to pay and offering other chances to hang out. If after 2-3 dates that I planned and paid for they don't offer something in return (and I don't mean sex) then it says alot about their character. They might be all about chivalry but honestly, not even offering is not a matter of chivalry, it's a matter of being self-absorbed, selfish and entitled. Sorry but it's not about the money, it's about knowing that someone did something nice for you 2-3 times and having that unweilding feeling that you should return the favor. If you are the type of gal that thinks she is so hot that they guy should feel priveledged to be out with her, yeah no, I'll pass. But I laugh too because these are also the gals we bang and burn. If all you have to offer is sex well then that's what we are going to take...and then leave.

- Response by 7zebras, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, New York, Financial / Banking

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When I go on dates with my boyfriend of one year he still pays. He has told me time and time again that it makes him feel good to pay. Plus if I go out with him I'd rather him to spend all his money on me since it makes him feel manly than another women getting those perks. For a man it's the challenege that keeps them going so don't settle unless of course your boyfriend doesn't have a job or has a problem.I'm in no means saying that he needs to buy you clothes and expensive things just on dates if he's taking you out than it's because he wants to don't take the enjoyment out of it for him. If he a guy doesn't want to pay for a woman than that man is stingy. I agree with you on treating him but a woman should give that treat as a surprise that will make a guy fall off his seat. He will feel extra special that you do sweet things like that for him once in a while. I believe the chivalry works because men are hunters by heart.

- Response by An Alternative Girl, Female, 26-28

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The dating gurus have a lot of background psychology dealing with paying-for-dates. It can get complicated, fast.
The quagmire too many men fall into is when they think there should be some sort of payback when they're making all the investment. It doesn't have to be sex, but it should be SOMEthing. On a subconscious level, women see through the opening date invite as a type of manipulation. The very act of making an approach puts a man in a supplicating position, which is not High Value, thus it's not attractive to a woman.
They fail to realize that fancy dates are a REWARD, not a bribe. Two people who treat each other have already EARNED the favor.
It's why conventional "dating" so often goes badly. In my experience, dating isn't the way to initiate a relationship; we start with a friendship dynamic, and use sex to initiate dating+relationship.
I once told my lovely client "I've been working for you for TEN YEARS-- take me out to dinner!" She did, and she paid.
I paid the next time.

- Response by chesterdad, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, San Francisco

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I think for the first date, the person inviting the other person to go out pays. After that it should be mutual no matter if it's going dutch or taking turns. Should always take enough money to at least cover yourself either way. In the beginning if it is an issue to tally money spent, it's probably best to split the costs as you can't trust there will be the next date to pay you back. In a steady relationship though you are much more comfortable with each other & taking turns ends up being less hassle than divvying up change when paying.

- Response by melmac, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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The "right" before question mark in your post title suggests as if you are wondering:

"In this society guys are paying and girls just put out".

- Response by vacuum, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Science / Engineering

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I am pretty old fashioned, so I will always offer to pay the first few dates. But if she insists on paying, I will let her.

After that, it's nice if she wants to plan the date and/or pay.

- Response by jophus, A Rebel, Male, 29-35, Artist / Musician / Writer

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the person who makes more money should pay more...you can think of it as weighted equality...:)
John

- Response by johngdating, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Executive

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