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I love her...but I don't feel like we're in love
Dating / 6:07 PM - Wednesday December 01, 2010

I love her...but I don't feel like we're in love

I'm 35 y/o she is 34, we have been together for 5 years and lived together 4 years. We aren't married through choice (unrelated issue regarding marriage) and have no kids of our own however I adore her 8 y/o boy from a previous relationship.

I feel that although I do love her and her kid (he doesn't call me Dad and see's his Dad but rarely) I feel that the relationship may have reached its peak...in some ways I feel I want more, but don't exactly know what...maybe if she didn't have a kid I'd have left and the only reason I'm still here is that I feel sorry for her boy if I left...but I at the same time do love her, but there is no magic, there is no spark in our lives.

I have spoken to her about there being no spark in our lives, in and outside the bedroom, she doesn't think there is a problem as is too busy with life and her work...I too have a life outside the relationship, I spend as much time with friends and I never take my work home with me but I need more and I feel the problem is with this relationship, I don't know what to do....do i be selfish take the chance to find love somewhere else and ignore the mess I leave behind, (they would cope of course but i would feel guilty being the cause of it) or do I stay hope and try to make it work....even though I feel like I've been hoping and trying for a year now...I know he isn't my kid, I know I can walk and get a fresh start, even at 35 with no baggage, but it doesn't mean its easy. I love her yes, but how do I make it work, how do we make it work?

Any advice on someone thats been where I am?


- Asked by Male, Who Cares?

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When kids are involved its always going to be hard. You guys have been together for awhile there's no reason just because you leave you still can't see him. He has his own father who he rarely sees him so technically your more of a father then his real father. If you aren't happy in the relationship then how could you make them happy? Being unhappy in a house will do nothing for anyone and it will all end up reflecting on everyone. You should do what you want to make yourself happy and tell her that you still want to see her son and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I hope everything works out = )

- Response by al919, A Thinker, Female, 22-25, Teaching

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Just go. You do not love her the way you choose to be loved by another. They were fine before they met you, they will be fine after you leave. Don't feel sorry for the little boy...he has a father as you say and he has his mother as a constant in his life....if she sees no problem and is wrapped up in her job then maybe there is your sign.

You have to do what you feel is right....no ones advice is going to the exact right advice and in all honesty you have to be happy yourself so do what will make you happy.

Don't make excuses and make a clean break.

- Response by lasttrueromantic, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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One way to get the spark back is to do something totally new, that is different from the routine you are used to. Find a new restaurant that you haven't been to, get someone to babysit for a few hours and spend some quality time with her, outside of the home. When you were first dating, you probably did this sort of thing....but we are all human, and we tend to get into routines, and then don't realize that we have been in the routine for so long, we don't know how to change it.
I wouldn't walk away from someone that you have had such a long commitment to and that you love.

Good luck, and remain positive. Relationships are not easy and take effort, patience, and understanding.

- Response by j9hou, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 29-35, Houston

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