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He doesn't love me, but doesn't want to lose me?
Dating / 4:15 PM - Tuesday November 30, 2010

He doesn't love me, but doesn't want to lose me?

My boyfriend said he didn't think it was working after 8 months. He said he didn't really want to get into anything serious and basically he wasn't in love.
I accepted it and now hes askin when i'l see him again. I told him I thought we had split up and he seemed hurt that I didn't want to see him again anytime soon.
Whats going on with him? he now says he still wants to see me but doesn't want to hold me back as he doesnt want anything serious at the minute. I;m confused!

- Asked by A Trendsetter, Female, 26-28, Hospitality

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Basically he doesn't see a future with you but enjoys dating you. Or he could be telling you to slow down, that you two are on different pages but this doesn't mean he doesn't want to still date you. Basically he is giving you an out to pursue someone else if your looking for something long term. If not, then he doesn't mind still dating you. Only you can decide what you want to do with this information. Just know that you probably won't change his mind later on so if you want more then you may need to walk now to save you from any further hurt.

- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Don't be confused - he's actually being pretty transparent. Here is what he means: "I don't love you or want a long-term relationship with you, but I don't want to be alone, either. So let's continue to see each other until I find someone better, then I will dump you."

Dump him first.

- Response by justpassingthru, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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I was in this situation once before. All of the above answers are correct for SOME guys and SOME situations. But an alternative answer would be this: he doesnt want anything serious, but being with you he feels that he may be getting serious, he may be DEVELOPING feelings for you and either doesnt know how to approach them or doesnt WANT to approach them because as he said, "he doesnt want anything serious". So I say you could keep him around if you want, but if you do put him in the friend zone. If you feel like you could possibly want him in the future. I say DEFINITELY keep him in the platonic friend zone (not friends with benefits). If not let him go completely and let him figure things out on his own. Either way sooner or later he will face his feelings and be back on your door step singing a totally different song.

- Response by A Hip Hop Girl, Female, 22-25, Student

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forget what's going on with him..you are doing ALL the right stuff..DON'T see him..don't text or call..it's the only way to get over this ambivalent wuss..

- Response by butternutbisque, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Could also just be his way of keeping you around so that he can have sex and hang out with you until he starts seeing someone else. Don't give him your time and energy. Let that go...really. Good luck!

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Don't let HIS confusion, confuse you. Don't allow him to selfishly come in and out of your life as he pleases. If he seems hurt, don't worry he will get over it.

- Response by birdland, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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What would be the point in you continuing to see him? I think at this point you owe it to yourself to move on, he isn't interested in pursuing the things you want with you. It's nice he was honest about his feelings, but not nice of him to expect you to settle for them. He just is looking for a friend companion in the mean time until he meets someone else. Keeping things going with him will only hold you back.

- Response by melmac, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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What he means is he tolerates you but doesn;t love you and as soon as someone better comes along he will get rid of you. Seriously, you are better then this.

- Response by 7zebras, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, New York, Financial / Banking

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In other words, he is still willing sleep with you but out side of that he doesnt want you. Plan and simple. You can date other men and he other women but he does not see you as someone he will take serious outside a fling.

Sorry

- Response by thicallover, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, New York, Administrative

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Don't be confused. He's just using you for when he can't get a date with anyone else. If you hang in there, don't be surprised if you find he leaves you hanging on special events, the holidays or your birthday; things like that

Don't ever accept "second best."

- Response by pushkins, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Who Cares?

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some guys lied abt their feelings,maybe he really do care about you,but,doesn't want you to see it through him.or he doesn't want to fall in love bc he might think its a wrong things to do.my best friend ask me a question last month,and said,have you ever thought that you were so in love with somebody but the whole time you were wrong?i ans yes.so i ask him he told me hes whole story abt the ex.until now he is still dating,he met a girl been with her for 1yr and never told her that he loves her or show to her that he really does.he have to proved that hes feelings are real not like last time it wasn't.just give him some time,you will get you're ans soon.

- Response by beautyfine16, A Hippie Chick, Female, 26-28

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There is no confusion here. he's not in love with you but wants to stay friends OR wants to keep you as an FWB. i wouldn't allow it..move on or he will string you along forever while you are hoping things cahnge.

- Response by ebm3, A Trendsetter, Female, 36-45, Artist / Musician / Writer

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The reason you're confused is because he is telling you that he just wants to keep seeing you until he finds someone else...he wants to keep you around so that he doesn't have to be alone and once he finds someone else, he will dump you...dump him first and let him know that you deserve someone better than him because he's being a real jerk...:)

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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Basically he wants the best of both worlds" by having the girlfriend experience most likely per diem as he pleases on his agenda....however he doesn't owe you any explanations, expectations,contracts, nor obligations
he is being quite greedy and you deserve the better than that!
unless you're ok with settling

- Response by ltnsparkles78, A Trendsetter, Female, 29-35, Medical / Dental

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No need to be confused. He simply wants you as a friends with benefits. Then, he's free to date and have sex with whoever he wants and it isn't considered cheating. If you continue, you can't blame him for your heart being broken when he moves on completely. You need to let him know that you respected him being honest with you about how he felt and what he wanted.

Unfortunately, that isn't how you feel about him and that's not what you want for a relationship. And, trying to maintain the same type of benefits, without the relationship is not an emotionally healthy relationship for you to continue. He's asking you this question, because he thought you'd want him so bad you'd accept any type of relationship, even if it wasn't what you truly wanted. Why? Because, so many women are accepting anything as long as it isn't nothing at all. He's not confused.

He knew what his intentions and expectations were. You aren't confused. You want to believe his asking you this question means he has feelings for you and what he told you wasn't true. But, that's not the case. He TRULY meant what he told you. Basically, you're not the one, now or in his future. If you were even an option for later, he would never have said this to you after 8 months. You didn't just meet this guy. So, you have to understand that he wants the fun and sex to continue.

But, also for you to look forward to the day, when he ends up with someone else. Sorry. I could be wrong. But, I'm pretty sure I'm not far off the mark with this one. This type of disclosure is becoming more and more common. Because, men now want women to know exactly what their expectations are. So, any broken-heart or disappointment you suffer will be your own fault. Because, you would have accepted the relationship "AS-IS."

Even though, you were told the truth about how he felt about you or any chance of a relationship. You can't claim you were used. You can't be upset when they date or have sex with other women. You can't be upset when sometimes you hear from him, and sometimes, you don't. Or, when they seem to only want to go out when the date ends with sex. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just telling you there is no confusion. He's told you the truth. You don't have to keep seeing him if what he's offering is not what you want.

You don't have to wait for years hoping he'll change his mind about you. You have a life and desires too that are just as important to you as his. Your time is just as valuable. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't truly want all that you have to offer a man. Which would be your heart. It will hurt a little. Because, it never feels good to want someone that doesn't want what you want or feel what you feel. But, you'll get over it. Don't allow yourself to get even more invested in this guy. Because, he's already let you know he's not investing in you. Good luck.

- Response by thelovedovefor1, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Atlanta, Who Cares?

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that's what idiots say because they can't make up their mind between u and another girl >:/ forget him

- Response by physicsystem, A Creative, Female, 22-25, San Antonio, Self-Employed

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Sounds about right ...

Don't let it confuse you too much. He's being honest about "the future," but does enjoy being with you when you are together. Which really sucks.

Create some space, now that he's broken up with you, and move on. There is no "friendship" there, that will have to come later, if it does at all.

Sorry.

- Response by cd92835, A Career Man, Male, 46-55

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He is playing mind games with you. Don't let him please. I have been there done that. He wants his cake and to be able to eat it too basically. I would tell him to man up or leave you alone. You deserve better.

- Response by debski, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Detroit, Science / Engineering

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Runnn away, unless you like being that "perpetual girlfriend." You know, the one that never gets appreciated. :(

At least he came out and said it, I guess, right? If I were you, I would tell him in kind but not uncertain terms that you don't do relationships where you aren't in love with each other. And then I would just move on. He shouldn't do that to you.

Good luck. :)

- Response by sarabear87, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 26-28, Student

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Lose the guy. He is immature and doesn't care about you period. Move on and find someone who wants to be with you and will respect you. Don't settle and don't be needy!

- Response by blossoming1, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Seattle, Civil Service

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Im having somewhat of the same problem- Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 7 months and I know he has cheated on me and he has dating proflies online that ive found, but Ive stayed for what reason Im not sure maybe Im afraid to be alone I dont know- He says he loves me and wants to be with me and he is afraid of losing me but still continues to do whatever he wants and Im confused- I found out recently that he will prob be moving in a few weeks to Colorado which is 1800 miles from where we live now so it makes it even more confusing- now i just feel like he has only stayed in this relationship so he wasnt alone and never actually cared about me- my heart is breaking so bad it hurts and i dont think he cares one bit- he doesnt know that I know as much as I do about all the other women Ive choosen to keep it to myself because i know he will deny it and plus now it doesnt matter because he is moving anyways so we wont even be together and plus he is going back to his Ex from college she told him she would leave her husband for him and he wants to be with her

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Tampa

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HE IS BEING SELFISH...HE DOESNT WANT ANYONE ELSE TO HAVE YOU. ONCE YOU BEGIN DATEING SOMEONE ELSE THEN TO YOUR SURPRISE THATS WHEN HE'LL SAY HE LOVES YOU. BE CAREFUL BECAUSE IT WONT BE TRUE. HE WOULD ONLY BE SAYING THAT SO YOU WONT LEAVE HIM FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

- Response by rastafly, A Hip Hop Girl, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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He's a TOOL

- Response by boxer1, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Self-Employed

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