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Why does my ex girlfriend keep trying to get her stuff back ?
Dating / 4:06 PM - Tuesday November 23, 2010

Why does my ex girlfriend keep trying to get her stuff back ?

I decided I didn't want to be with my ex girlfriend a few weeks before she was set to move to my city.
We dated for over a year and were close friends for 2 years before that.
I found out that although she might be a loyal sweet girlfriend to ME, that she has an ex boyfriend who hates her so much that he wrote me a 3 page email.
They broke up ver 4 years ago and he still hates her guts.
I dont know if a lot of what he said about her is true but it doesnt matter. if 1/10 th is true I dont even want to be her friend.
I want someone whom everyone admires and trusts professionally and personally.

I thought that acting bored and distant would give her a clue. Instead she amped up contacting me and even moved here although I hadn't talked to her for 2 whole weeks.

I do have a ton of her stuff at my house because we dated for over a year and a half. Its just clothes and shoes and she can replace it all because she has money.

Anyway even though I have ignored every voicemail and email and text she has sent me (i dont even read them or listen to the voicemails, i just delete)

She still had the nerve to call me at work yesterday.
she acted polite and we agreed to talk later when i go tout of work.

i have NOTHING to say to her and Im sure she would go nuts if i told her why I want nothing to do with her.
Anyway she wrote my sister today and says she needs her to help her get all her stuff from me because i don't have decency to contact her. (theyve been good friends for a year)

also I notice on her facebook page that her long term friends are writing on her wall how great and attractive she is and how she should stay strong.

i dont know what to do. why won't she just let it go ?
advice ?

- Asked by A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Philadelphia, Lawyer

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You still haven't called me so that'll serve ya right! For real though, give the woman back her stuff. We women have shoes that we have broken in and cannot afford to just give them up. There is probably nothing behind her wanting her stuff back except she is attached to the things you are holding hostage.

- Response by momof4, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Administrative

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Just give her her stuff back!
That's all she wants.
And it's her stuff so she has a right to it...
then once she has it back, you two can be done for good, and you can both move on!

- Response by notsohawt, A Sportif, Female, 22-25, Toronto

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Are you really 36-45? This is ridiculous. Give the woman her stuff back. Just because she has money doesn't mean she wants to spend it on things she has already spent money on. You aren't being the least bit reasonable about this at all. You ended the relationship with her, and won't even bother telling her why. She is asking for her stuff not a reconciliation. It's is time for you to start behaving like a grown man.

- Response by jess2481, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, Cincinnati, Other Profession

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Oh for pete's sake. You're being terribly passive aggressive in this. If you honestly don't want to have contact with this woman, why are you giving her a REASON to continue communication? Put her items in a box, give it to your sister [as you claim they are friends] and that will be the end of it. If you want her to let it go, you also need to let it go - and let go of her belongings. She'll have no further reason to contact you, and you'll be finished. Good luck!

- Response by texkitten821, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Dallas, Artist / Musician / Writer

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your a lawyer and you dont know that what you are doing is basically a form of stealing?????? glad you are not my lawyer

it is HER stuff, who cares why she wants it back or money to get new stuff, that is not the point, you are taking HER STUFF away from her, same as stealing

grow up, dump all the shit in a box, and mail it to her, it will cost you 10 bucks shipping and handleing to have her out of your life

your logic is way off here


- Response by beautifulloser, A Rebel, Male, 36-45, Detroit, Executive

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I think it's obvious that she has let the relationship go. Her friends on her facebook (which you shouldn't be looking at anyways) are doing what good friends do. Comforting her, making her feel better, etc..

What she isn't lettng go is the fact that you have her stuff. So give her her stuff back!

Lastly- Why would you believe a 3 page psycho letter from an ex boyfriend from 4 years ago??? The crap in the letter tells more about the ex than it does your girlfriend (ex). Men who can't get over a relationship from 4 years ago obviously need some to see a professional and get help. I find it more likely that this crazy ex still has strong feelings towards this girl and wants you to dump her so he can have her back! I don't know how on Earth you can breakup with your long term gf over her psycho ex writing you a letter. You did her a favor by leaving her. She's much better off. And it would be nice if you actually told her all this! Not even giving her a chance to explain herself or explain how crazy her ex obviously is is just cruel.

You sure do make me appreciate my bf a lot more though. God forbid you are actually being honest about your age and occupation though!

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 26-28

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- Response by couchie666, A Thinker, Female, 26-28

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I know it's been said...But give her stuff back...If she's friends with your sister and you don't want to see her or ship the stuff back (I assume your on good terms with your sister at least) Give the stuff to your sister and let her hand it over..I would think if she had a bunch of your stuff you would want it back too.

You agreed to talk to her so I hope you are a man of honor and live up to your word..Give her closure and a clear intention of what is on your mind and move on.And she will hopefully be able to move on as well.After that as long as she gets her property back you should have your wish of being left alone. For the most part (She IS friends with your sister)

And if you don't wish her to be friend...I would also take her off your Facebook.

- Response by A Life of the Party, Female, 26-28, St.Louis, Other Profession

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Give the stuff back and then move on. Yes she could replace the stuff but most people don't want to go on a shopping trip just because some ex wants to keep their shit over a 3 page email from someone that is probably psycho anyway. Why did the guy even contact you to begin with? Honestly I used to deal with a situation like this were an ex used to say he hated me etc and message any guy on a friends list telling them not to date me etc for various reasons only to find out he was nuts and pissed off that I left the relationship to begin with. Only difference between those guys and you was that they actually told me about the situation and asked my side. Granted most the people messaged were just friends who had already known me for several years, it was aggravating and went way farther than I'm saying.

- Response by staceym2112, A Cool Mom, Female, 26-28, Medical / Dental

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well first off, if something was terribly wrong with her you would have noticed in the year and a half you had been dating her. you CANNOT go off of what exes say. atleast most of the time. if she left him, then he's gonna be really pissed off and hurt. or maybe he left her because they just didnt connect. that was your first mistake. you were okay with her until you read that message, which tells me that you detected nothing wrong.. she is trying so hard because she hasnt a clue what the hell is going on. instead of offering an explanaition you just kind of shipped her off to the side. her things are hers and that's all there is to it. if you left your things over there you would more than likely want them back. unless your filthy rich and want to spend money to replace them, in which case you'd be really lucky to have such a fortune in todays economy. but honestl, you dont want to mess with a girls clothes and shoes. they are ours and we can tell you every detail about them (not me inparticular i care nothing for shoes and such but for most this is how it is) you need to think really hard about the person that you know her as, versus the word of an angry ex. it was over 4 years ago. people do change. i was a drug i'm a sober and very commited mother, for example. if you cannot see past the word of her past relations, then atleast offer up an explanation instead of taking it this way, and offer up her stuff. atleast if you dont want to see her, you can put it at her doorstep while she's at work or something

- Response by dark_little_dezzi1, A Creative, Female, 22-25

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Damn, it's a hard crowd...the women are ready with the pitch forks torches. They're serious about giving that stuff back.

Even having said that I do think you should return her things. I mean I'm not even really sure why you're breaking up with the woman. If the guy wrote you 4 years later (someone he doesn't know to try to burn this woman) he's clearly at the very least semi-psychotic. Also, 4 years is a long time and people change over time. You condemned the woman based on the four year old rantings of a psychotic madman. You need to let the woman come to get her things, print out the letter you got, let her read it and study her reaction. If at that point she says it's all lies and you feel that she's being deceptive you can send her on her way. If she says that it's true, but it was a long time ago there may be a sufficient reason to disregard the rantings of the madman and try to mend some wounds.

- Response by butch007, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35, Philadelphia, Artist / Musician / Writer

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She wants her stuff! Hello!

Not very complicated at all. Take her things to a neutral location (your sister?) and leave it there. Then you do not have to talk to her, but she still gets back WHAT IS HERS.

- Response by randyl, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Technical

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You're a real piece of work, you know that? Instead of going by what YOU know about her, you're trusting the word of someone who very obviously hates her and whose word is suspect by default.

If you use this sort of blazing intelligence in your work it's no wonder there are so many lawyer jokes.

- Response by bookman, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Who Cares?

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Well in my opinion, she just wants to see you and maybe in her mind, if you see her again you would want her back.
If you really dont want to see or hear from her ever...pack her things in a container, ask her to meet you for a drink or coffee. Tell her you sorry, but you have no feelings for her any longer and give her things back.
Ending the chapter is what we need in most cases, but guys just leave it in the air.

It sounds like you hate her gutts at this point, but shes a person too.. dont burn bridges, you never know when you might need her at some point in your life again.

Good luck!

- Response by A Career Woman, Female, 29-35

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This might seem harsh, but why are you acting like a teenager in love? Make an arrangement to get her stuff back to her. It's important for her to close that relationship. This seems like something that I would have done when I was around 15 years old. You dated this woman for over a year and a half and allowed her to store her "stuff" at your place. Were you concerned about her attitude when you were screwing her and swapping bodily fluids between you two? Now you want to believe a guy that you haven't met who seems to have an axe to grind with her. She must be something special if he's pining after her from the past. Listen, you're acting immature. Really immature. Just give her her stuff back and get on with your life, and allow her to get on with her life. You're approaching middle age, guy. Act like you're the bigger person.

- Response by rhunt0210, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Other Profession

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Because it's her stuff asshole.

- Response by A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Executive

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Are you serious????

"Why won't she just let it go?" L.O.L. Hmmmm...well, since ya'll were serious enough to be moving in together and you just up and decided to ignore her and dump her with out an explanation....Geee, I wonder why she won't let it go?

Give that women her stuff back so SHE can move one with her life!

Jesus, lord in Heaven. I think you'd did that poor girl a favor by being a jerk.

If you wana redeem yourself why don't you man up and tell her why you dumped her (b/c that's why she's bothering you HELLO!). She deserves to know. Sure, she might slap your face but, really, can't say you don't deserve it.

What kind of 36-45 year old man are you?

- Response by TheSshhmoe, An Alternative Girl, Female, 22-25, Student

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im not reading the behavior of someone who no longer wants to be with someone because they found out something disturbing about them. this isnt a breakup even a nasty breakup. this is a case of someone who simply got thrown away. it had nothing to do with anything you "found out". you simply lost interest here. something here isnt adding up.
youre not telling us the whole truth about the breakup here. i sense that theres another woman in the picture here. your giving the silent treatment to some one youve been involved with and was planning a future with hoping shell get the hint tells me alot about the type of person you are. youve been thru alot of women and simply discarding them like theyre so much useless baggage once you feel youve moved onto greener pastures is something thats no big deal to you. if i was your present flame and was witnessing this what youre doing would tell me IF HES DOING THIS TO HER HELL DO THIS TO ME.

this is what i see here. her persistance in wanting her belongings back and simply not quietly going away like the so many other women im sure you used and discarded in the past is making you do a reality check on just how much of a bastard that you really are and its taking you to a place thats not comfortable for you..taking a look in the mirror. your behavior is like so many people in denial.. you dont like what you see you resent being inconvenienced and youre playing on the intelligence of the people reading this post looking for sympathy not understanding how every word youve written is sabotaging you. your M.O sounds all to similar to my former M.O though ill give you credit for not being as nasty to them as i was once i was through with them. realizing that something wasnt meant to be and that youre in love with someone else doesnt make you a heel. not telling her the truth or the readers reading this does.

ciao, lisa

- Response by u2joshuadesireu, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental

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you effin moron. Give her her stuff back already.

- Response by girlpower08, A Sportif, Female, 36-45

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Have the courage to finish a relationship with respect and truth. Man up and have a conversation to explain why the sudden about face in your behavior. What you are doing is hurtful and cowardly. If you have something to say, then say it. You say you are a lawyer, shouldn't you check out the facts before coming to a conclusion? I think this woman is better off without you if this is how you respond to a bit of conflict.

- Response by mingasks, A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55, Rochester

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Hah. You sound like my passive aggressive ex. Don't be a jerk and warp this break up to make her look like she's nuts. You're the one that needs therapy if you won't give her what's rightfully hers. So what if part of the reason she wants her things back is to see you? It's hard to turn your feelings off, especially when you cared deeply for someone.

I agree with the concensus are indeed the loser in this situation, and your bad karma will come back to you. When it does...remember that you were warned.

I recommend some therapy for your passive aggressive b.s. You'll be very alone and fall in relationships over and over if you don't get help for it.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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If she was sweet and loyal to you why would you take the word of some one who hates her?ANd then you want to keep her stuff?How dishonest of you.If it is hers give it back.I can't believe you would take the word of some one you don't know.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Tampa, Who Cares?

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Ok just give her her stuff back! If thats all she wants she will go away.

- Response by psychoticbabe1, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Other Profession

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First of all...why would her ex contact you?
second...why do you still have her things,if she means nothing to you
third...why do you care what happens on HER facebook page?
final.....I think you are just playing games with her heart....SHAME ON YOU(because it is apparent by this post that you do care about her)

You asked the question...I answered...don't be pissed off at me

- Response by honeywillowsback, A Creative, Female, 56-65, Edmonton

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and you are going to leave her high and dry without getting and explanation?
i would tell her not to come and find someone else.

- Response by mobysdick, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

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I think you both have been on this site and you aren't being honest with her. She has a right to know why you are cutting off contact, you owe her this much and can you really believe her ex before you. He must have an ax to grind and why can't you let her explain herself. You're too old to play games why not just meet her face to face and tell her why it is over and let her get her own stuff back. Criminy she may have moved to your city and not because of you. She has friends there and you at least owe her an explanation. You side with her ex and don't even give her a chance to tell her side.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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So you think you're an admirable person who deserves an admirable person because you are refusing to return this woman's property? You're disgusting.

- Response by electragold21, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, New York, Teaching

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Advice? How about RETURN HER DAMN PERSONALTY, counselor.

Why? Because it is HER's, AND she has made a specific request of you to do so.

I can't believe that you are even struggling with this. Really.
A fellow member of the bar can't read ...?


hold on a second.

Oh, you're a PENNSYLVANIA Lawyer.

Never mind.


- Response by A Career Man, Male, 46-55

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Dude, firstly, you don't know this ex of hers so what effing difference does it make what he has to say about her? If your relationship with her was fine then judge her based on that. If people didnt talk to other people because of what someone else said about them. NO ONE would ever like anyone else. Maybe her ex is jealous and hmm i dunno psycho? you dont know anything man.

Secondly, its NOT your right to keep her stuff because she can afford to replace it. Its her effing stuff. GIVE IT BACK. ITS STEALING if you dont. She could call the police if she wanted to, so smarten the eff up and give it back to her. Give it to your sister to give to her, if you dont want to see her that badly.

ps. grow up. this is one of the most childish posts ive read in awhile.

- Response by experienced123, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Administrative

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You're a piece of shit dude.

- Response by guy5432, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 36-45, New York, Who Cares?

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