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I'm 21 and being verbally abused by my mother. What can I do? (please read)
Family & Parenting / 7:35 AM - Thursday November 04, 2010

I'm 21 and being verbally abused by my mother. What can I do? (please read)

I can't move out, I don't have any income to live off of rent alone. I only have enough money to pay for car insurance. I basically live with my mom and she pays for my college. I have 2 years left to go until I get a bachelors and start my own life.

Recently, I've had emotional and mental trauma that's affected my work and as a result, I failed 2 of my classes. My mom found out today, and she hasn't been the emotionally supporting type these past few months, let alone years. But now, she's threatening to kick me out in 2 months, and stop paying for college because I'm wasting her money and time. She doesn't understand that I was just going through a tough time. She flips the conversation around, saying "I don't know what stress is", and she calls me stupid, a slob, worthless, and this morning I woke up to her calling me a failure.

She's threatening to take my belongings and throw them in the trash. Can I stand up for this? This should be illegal, no matter how old you are. All I want is just a little support so I can get through life and get a good paying job, and she's hardly being motherly. She's been acting this way for 7 years, since I was in middle school. It just gets worse every year. My mother practically hates me and favorites my older brother (it's obvious, I've seen it in the past 7 years). Please help me by responding. What do I do? Do I take legal action? Do I get counseling for us? I'm going to talk to the church today. Please let me know! I can't take this anymore!

- Asked by chaosvortex, A Guy Critical, Male, 22-25

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You're 21 and you still leach of your mother? And now you want to SUE her?

Wow. You are the king of spoiled children. I hope she kicks you out tomorrow. And if she paid for it then it's her stuff. So she can do what she wants with it.

Pay for your own school. Get your own place. Stop blaming your mother.

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Boston, Science / Engineering

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Community Rating: Community Star

1. Get a full time job
2. Move out
3. Continue your education by attending night classes and online classes and pay for them yourself
4. Tell dear old Mom she can have a relationship with you when she behaves right and treats you like a human being.

- Response by A Creative, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Her place, her rules. Take responsibility for yourself. Clean up after yourself, help out around the house. Don't flunk out of school.



- Response by boggob, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Political / Government

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You're 21 and you still leach of your mother? And now you want to SUE her?

Wow. You are the king of spoiled children. I hope she kicks you out tomorrow. And if she paid for it then it's her stuff. So she can do what she wants with it.

Pay for your own school. Get your own place. Stop blaming your mother.

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Boston, Science / Engineering

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Can u live with your Father . Consider it if this is as bad as u say. .. Dont let your College Education lapse at all .. U need education to have a good well paid job.


- Response by berri, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, New South Wales, Who Cares?

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Okay talking to someone at church is a good start, but stop blaming your mother for your problems. Yes you admit you were going threw a rough spot but it doesn't sound like you are handling your responsibilities very well. And from where I'm sitting it doesn't look like you have many responsibilities to began with.

The biggest thing is get your grades up what ever it is that had you bent out of shape you need to man up and get over it and concentrate on school.
If she asks you to take garbage out or keep you room clean, do it with a smile remember this is her house and you are on a free ride! Not everybody has what you have so why not count your blessings instead of (suing her).


- Response by seasons4, A Sportif, Female, 46-55, Financial / Banking

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Realize that this drama is being played out in homes across America at the moment and has nothing to do with you not being mom's favorite. You are a guest in her home. Legally, she can't just throw your stuff in the street. She has to evict you if you don't leave when she asks you to.

Have a conversation with her. Admit that you messed up and tell her how grateful you are that she is providing this opportunity for you to get an education. Don't make excuses. Tell her your ambitions for after graduation and promise to do better. Remember that you are not entitled to more than your mother can afford and it is a blessing that she can provide for you in this way. Show her your gratitude on a consistent basis. Support is a two way street, are you doing your share?

- Response by maryea, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, New York, Retired

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You're living in HER home. You are an adult. Get a job, get your crap together, move out, and take care of your darn self. Stop threatening to sure your mother...good grief.

Have you even considered how difiicult it might be for her to pay for your education? Times are hard...and if you're not applying yourself in school, she probably feels like all her her work is for nothing.

Grow up and be a man.

Oh, and I'm sure you're going to send an update that says, "Oh, I am a man...I do take care of myself...she's just being mean...blah blah blah." Don't bother.

- Response by kaffroake, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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God, this is truly awful. I do not understand parents that are so abusive to thier own offspring!! Nasty.

Do you have any relatives at all that can help you out. Good that you are reaching out for help with your church. Hopefully the minister or priest can direct you to another living situation. What about a shelter of some kind for abused people? There has GOT to be something because to live with constant critisism is a very painful and destructive way to live. Shame on your mother. Please let us know how you make out. There are people in the world who do care!!

- Response by englishrose4945, A Life of the Party, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Alternative Medicine

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When your parent is paying your bills, to go to college, she expects you to not fail classes. Your job is going to school and getting the best grades. If you don't like this arrangement, you can apply for student loans, as an independent at 21 yrs old. It will give you the freedom but a large loan to pay back. Legal action against your mother??? I would take the counselling to help with the mental and emotional trauma and hit the books. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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She's just being a parent. All parents want the best for their children. She doesn't hate you for sure..she just wants you to do better and to be better. Your older brother is probably going in the direction that your Mom wants you to go into. Instead of waiting until you finish college you should start your life now. if you can afford car insurance you should figure out a way to get the money to move out or get going. Maybe you will have to go to school part time and work part time. But I think your Mom wants to see effort on your part to be better and to do better. There really is no legal action you can take upon her because she is basically paying your way.

- Response by phenomenal1woman, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Chicago

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I'm sorry for the 7 year abuse. I do think that you and your family need some counseling. Perhaps the stress of taking care of you and your brother without your Dad has been taking a toll on your mother but the two of you need to communicate better. You are 21 and have to take some responsibility for yourself. We asked our son to move out a couple of years ago when he was 19. He wasn't following our rules, did things we did not approve of. He is 21 and living on his own but struggling. We have helped him financially and emotionally but he has squandered everything we have done for him this year. He hasn't taken our advice and has gone down the wrong path.

So go to the church and get some counseling, perhaps, taking a break from school and getting a job to help your mother and yourself get through this rough spot. And then figure out what you want to do with your life.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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My heart goes out to you. My mother is like yours. I learned long ago how to separate myself from her, and to not expect her to change. I now don't see her at all after learning that she abused my father as he was dying of cancer.

1. You need emotional support, but don't expect any from your mother. She isn't capable of giving it. Get strong within your self (not Hard. Strong), and tell 1 or 2 friends what's going on. Don't expect them to completely understand, though, because as you know, her behaviour is mind-bendingly ridiculous. You'll need professional help.

2. You're in college. You can get free therapy via its health centre. Call today. They may also have insight into cheap housing and tuition, loans, etc.

3. Legally? Not a darn thing the law can or will do about emotional and psychological abuse. And, don't hit her even in your most extreme frustration and anger. She'll call the police, or threaten to, as that keeps the control with her...

4. Google "narcissistic personality disorder". You will learn a lot about your mom, and most importantly, that is isn't you. AT ALL. It's HER who has problem.

Hugs to you.

- Response by trawna, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Toronto, Consulting

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As a mother myself it sounds as if maybe you were a f'k up as a teenager and/or young adult and are now trying to get on the right path. If I am correct then let me explain further. When you loose your parent's trust and/or have been the sibling to screw up it gets a little old. You as the son has to work extra hard to re-gain this trust if it can ever be re-gained. Plus when you do screw up like you have with school it brings back all those other times you didn't follow through with something. Get my drift? I don't see this as abuse but moreso a parent who is tired of supporting their adult son. Sure her actions are inappropriate and you two need to work on your communication skills but I think there is more to this story then you are telling.

If I am wrong then ignore my above response!

- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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MAKE legal money... get two jobs or whatever, move out.
Read, study regardless of whatever happen around you. I finised my masters under rockets shells, infront of the bathroom on a candel light. I got the higher average in my school at that time. I used to make $600/ a month, pay $300 for the rent and $300 to eat, have internet, cellular phone, transportation, and pay for two classes every semester.


- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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sorry! the 600 from a regular job but I paid my tuitions from working as a free- lance translator and I got a scholarship.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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My mother used to be similar to how your mother is acting towards you now. You need to ASSERT YOURSELF and let it be known that you are an ADULT even if you are living off her...she can't act like you are child anymore. She is just going through a "tough time" too and just doesn't want to admit it. If she won't talk to you about it...consider family counseling...if that doesn't work I recommend leaving home and trying to live with maybe another family member or friend for a while. Legal action? The cops will just say you are an adult living under your moms roof and you still need to "abide" by her. Parents say things and do things they don't mean some times. I was physically and verbally abused since I was 15 years old, and I had to stand up to her. Now that I am about to be 19 she is starting realize she can back down. Don't let your mom rue your life! I recommend counseling, if you have a close school counselor I would speak to them or you can find a counselor off your health insurance.
Do what you feel is the RIGHT thing to do, and it wont be easy...but the both of you will go through it.

- Response by banjudgement, A Creative, Female, 22-25

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She is obviously mentally ill, but she probably would never get help. Poor you. There must be some relative you can stay with until you finish school. These kind of women make me sick!

- Response by gloria55, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Medical / Dental

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There is not much legal action since you are over 18. You should leave. Can you go stay with a friend? Your father? You will need counseling for this too to heal.

- Response by debski, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Detroit, Science / Engineering

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Don't give up....I googled this...because i'm your same age, going through this same situation....Except that I started out paying for my own college, and now scholarships are covering me. I have a job, go to college, and yet she still verbally abuses me and calls me a failure, constantly tells me I'm going to hell, and to top it all off, I was abused by my sister when I was little...

Yet my sister doesn't have a job (she's 7 years older than me), hasn't completed college, constantly screams and yells at my parents, and I'M the black sheep.

Hang in there. Your not alone....i thought I was alone until i read this. I wanted to just lay down and die from it all, literally, but now i see that there are others out there....just hang in there and believe!

- Response by A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 22-25, Atlanta

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