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Moving in with my girlfriend but really don't want to
Dating / 10:35 PM - Monday September 27, 2010

Moving in with my girlfriend but really don't want to

I've been dating the same girl for 7 years. I have promised to move in with her, but I'm really struggling with it. I think I am doing it more because I feel obligated after being with her so long, than because I want to. Sometimes I enjoy her company, but other times she completely gets on my nerves.

Part of me just wants to move across the country instead, to a city where most of my friends ended up. Why am I so chicken to do that? Why can't I just do what *I* want for me, instead of what will make my girlfriend happy?

- Asked by Male, 29-35

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You're not going to make you OR your gf happy with this move. Living with someone is hard enough when you both wholeheartedly want to do it; it's going to be nothing short of a disaster if you don't. And honestly, if this is how you feel after 7 years, it really sounds like this relationship is just a time killer for both of you. She clearly wants more, and you clearly don't, so all this is going to do is delay the inevitable, waste her time when she could be spending that time time meeting someone who really does want to be with her, and make both of you miserable.

Do yourself a favor and move across the country to where your friends are, and where you want to go. Tell her that although you care about her, you don't see a future with her, and that you've come to realize you want to make a fresh start in this other city. Break if off kindly and quickly, and don't let yourself be talked out of it.

A quick break up while you're living apart, while painful, will be far less painful than if you move in together and tear each other to shreds a little bit at a time.

You are comfortable now, which is why you don't want to do what you know you have to do. And maybe you're hoping she'll end it, or give you a better reason so you can end it with less guilt. But the reality is that your relationship is going nowhere, and you are doing her a kindness by ending it now rather than dragging it on and giving her the idea you are getting more serious about her (by moving in together). It takes courage to make big life changes, but perhaps doing it all at once (ending the relationship and moving to a new city) will make it a bit easier to "tear the band-aid off" and make a fresh start.

- Response by writeginny, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Please, please, do both of you a favor and end it nicely. If you're feeling like you need to be with your boys more than the woman that you supposedly love, then you really don't love her that much and you need to let her know that. Move across country, continue to sow your oats, be with your friends and maybe in 10 years when you realize everyone else has settled down with someone wonderful, then you'll regret leaving her then. But for now, end it before you break her heart more. Give her the respect to allow her to find someone who actually wants to be with her.

- Response by shelbylove, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Community Rating: Community Star

If you aren't sure, and as you say she gets on your nerves, do both of you a favor. Don't do it. She is going to get on your nerves a whole lot more if you're living together.

Make yourself happy. Doing something to make someone else happy is a sure way to make sure that no one ends up happy in the end.

- Response by jess2481, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, Cincinnati, Other Profession

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You've heard the phrase, "shit or get off the pot" right? After seven years, it's time for you to do just that. If you don't want to live with her and she bugs you after seven years, break up with her. Let her move on with her life with someone she loves and will love her back rather then being stuck with someone that's only with her because it's convenient. Both of you will be happier in the long run.

- Response by stewart2016, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35, Salt Lake City, Student

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Dude...If I was you, I'd move across the country! You already feel this way, no way is this gonna work! Sorry to say, you can't force yourself to feel something you don't! Let go!

- Response by cracko14, A Rebel, Male, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Well you'll only end up REALLY resenting her for a choice you made. If you are only agreeing to move in because you're afraid of the reaction if you don't...just think of the scenario when you want to move out.
If she gets on your nerves without living together....IJS

- Response by jezmebaby, A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

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Don't just move in because you ant to make her happy, in order for your relationship to healthy you need to make yourself happy first. In my opinion, I think that if you move in with her right now when you're not ready what will end up happening is that you're going to find any little thing to argue or to make her not like so that you can leave and that 7 year relationship will go nowhere... So do yourself a favor, as well as her and don't move in. Be a man and tell her the truth.

- Response by jessfue, A Married Girl, Female, 29-35, Los Angeles, Medical / Dental

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pack light, billie-bob. don't be carryin' nuttin' that the chick cain't be caarryin' outta duh back door while you us comin' all up dem steeeep front steps, karn sarnit! hey, mehbee you gonna get some kinda lucky 'n find out that this lil' woman heppins ta have not one-udder sister who be a twin, but at least two udder sistah's dat heppins to be twins also. so that there is jus a passle shy of two time two setz uh twinz minus just one. well, first one done robbed ya blinder that a chocolate cow in a whole, big barn fullah dat dehr cow shit from deh floooor up allt'way to duh attic, n' wall to wall, evin. h'wever, might just bee dat the set o twiz is really all 'bout hehfin a reel good time whicha! so, i say, get yer dr. dentons on backwards, drop thar hatch door and play who ken put the tail into either or both of them thar stanky panky hoopy poopies, 'den let us all in on their big surrrprize. okay?

oh, by-duh-bye,leave dem chickens outta diz, okay, "two"?

- Response by two469, An Alternative Girl, Female, 18-21, Seattle, Science / Engineering

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Nothing kills passion like being forced to live with someone. She might think moving in together would make things better but you already know it won't. She has been with you for 7 years so perhaps living together isn't a must have item if she feels there is stability and commitment. Back out of this terrible idea before it becomes a relationship strangling nightmare.

And everything doesn't have to always be about her. If you really want to move to that other city but you still want to see this woman then negotiate. You could offer monetary and other incentives to make it easier for her to say yes. Find reasons she might be excited to move there.

- Response by A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Technical

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Do yourself and more importantly...your girlfriend a favor by telling her your thoughts and feelings. If you're having these thoughts it's not fair to proceed with what she wants or what you feel obligated to do. Maybe some time apart from each other will help you sort things out. Life is too short to not go after what you want.

- Response by nico76, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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B/c you love her?

- Response by A Hippie Chick, Female, 29-35

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You can. Why not both of you move there together?

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Boston, Science / Engineering

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Be a man and tell her "NO" because you feel that you are not ready for it. Be honest with her and yourself.

- Response by itsbeenalongtime, A Player, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

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