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How to stop obsessing over people who have hurt you?
Sex & Intimacy / 8:58 PM - Sunday September 26, 2010

How to stop obsessing over people who have hurt you?

I tend to obsess over people and bad situations.

I had this friend, Jane*. She was my really good friend, and I became friends with her brothers and parents. It actually was a little overwhelming how smothering her family was at times but at the time I didn't see it as a problem. We were just close buds, Or so I thought. Last year I was applying to study abroad. I didn't think I'd get in, but here I am in Europe. The problem occurred when my friend declared that I NEVER told her that I was going away for the semester. BUT she said it was her fault and that she should have paid better attention. Everything seemed to be fine, but then about a week or two later,

Jane sent me this letter saying that I was not acting like a true friend and that I was too secretive. I wrote her a letter back the day I received it. I haven't heard from her since. A few weeks later, I sent her a postcard saying hello and wondering if she ever got my letter. Still nothing. It became clear that she was ignoring me.

I wracked my brain the whole summer trying to think how she couldn't have known, but there is so many examples pointing to the opposite. How could she not have known? I suddenly realized after I had another friend, Polly* stay with me that could have set Jane off. Because after Polly left I posted some pictures on facebook on the 1st and Jane's letter was written on the 2nd...

Over a month went by and I wrote Jane a final letter saying that I was hurt by how she was treating me and that I only wish her well.

By this point I am so sick of how cruel and immature Jane is being that I don't want to talk to her. I don't want anything to do with her. I know this sounds immature but I really want to just delete her and her family off my facebook, but I fear that might start a huge war. Quite frankly I don't like the person I was when I was with her. I think that I just let a lot slide and I wish I wasn't so quick to accept.

I'm afraid that she's talking about me behind my back. Most of my friends are not shared friends, but she does know them and I'm not there to defend myself. My mom keeps telling me that I need to stop obsessing and that everyone is not out to hurt me.

I know she's right, but it just really hurts. I feel foolish for ever liking Jane, I feel betrayed and just plain used. I can't get the hurt to go away. I want her out of my head.

- Asked by lisaplantation66, A Creative, Female, 26-28, Student

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If she doesn't want to be a part of your life no more so be it. Why punish her family though too? Is your friendship with them that conditional upon her friendship? To me she is being unreasonable & petty. A little too controlling & imposing as far as friendship goes. Don't let yourself grow bitter over it, pity her for it is her loss not yours. Who needs friends who are that overbearing & try holding you back in life? She sounds really jealous of you. Good luck in your future, don't let people get you down.

- Response by melmac, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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Your going to be very unhappy your whole life if you keep worrying about what other people think of you. Not everyone is going to be nice to you and like you.

Learn to live up to your own expectations of yourself not others.

- Response by catstr, A Life of the Party, Female, 46-55, New Orleans, Managerial

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I understand what you mean by everything being in your head all the time: I get the same way with my in-law troubles. It's so damn hard to stop thinking about it because of the unfairness of the situation and the feeling of betrayal.

What I do to try to get it out of my head is I write in my journal, but not in a direct, angry type of way... I write it as a kind of satirical, witty short story. I try to see everything in a petty, sarcastic manner. I write almost as if I were writing in order to entertain someone else. And usually, I end up laughing at the situation and can finally get some sleep (I'm a bit of an insomniac).

It doesn't solve my problem, because the situations are usually out of my control, but I can at least get the issue out of my head and move on.

Like in your case, there probably isn't much you can do to make everything better, so I find it best not to touch the situation and play things by ear. If she comes around, good; if not, oh well - you can't change that. I wouldn't cut everybody out because I think it would come across as passive aggressive and childish and, as you said, could start something worse. And then how will you get all THAT drama out of your head? LOL

Good luck to you.

- Response by kitty24, An Alternative Girl, Female, 26-28, Ottawa, Teaching

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