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How do I get my long-distance boyfriend to communicate more?
Dating / 1:42 AM - Saturday August 28, 2010

How do I get my long-distance boyfriend to communicate more?

Basically my boyfriend and I have been together over 3 years, and for the past 2 years he's lived 10 hours away, 8 months out of the year. We get together only at Christmas time for 4 or 5 days, and if I have enough money I try to fly out to visit him when I have time off university during reading week.

We stay in touch via texting and emailing and whatnot, but it always seems like I have to fight to get him to come chat with me on Skype or call me on my cellphone (he has free calling to me, so it's not like it'll charge him long distance fees).

I'm sick of always having to nag him to take time out of nights with the guys and playing video games and watching sports to give me a 20 minute phone call, but all I want to do is hear his voice once in a while.

Anyone else have this problem?! I don't think I'm really asking for all that much.. what do you recommend that I say to my boyfriend?

- Asked by lipstickonyourpillowcase, A Trendsetter, Female, 18-21, Calgary, Student

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Yep I have this problem, my bf is in the Army and in Iraq, he used to be great about communication but now since he's been there awhile it is like pulling teeth to even get an email from him. I realize he is busy but seriously, it's been 6 days since he has contacted me at all and it is driving me NUTS!

There isn't a magic phrase that will suddenly make the guy communicate more, you can tell him - without being confrontational or emotional - that you really need to hear from him at least once a day for 5 minutes or something reasonable like that, compromise with him. A 20 minute phone call for most guys is like a 20 minute slow torture - no matter how much he loves his woman - and asking for 20 minutes a day is like telling him he has to have hot needles shoved under his fingernails every day. Guys do not want, need or even like the same form and frequency of communication that girls do, it doesn't mean they feel any less, it doesn't mean they want to move on or met someone else, they just don't "need" it like we do. And in fact insisting on too much just might push him away. But it's only fair if it's something you truly need to talk to him about it, but make it a fair compromise so that you stay a pleasure in his life and not some chore he has to do everyday.

I kind of made the mistake on my behalf of telling my bf to only contact me when he felt like it, when he had down time that was relaxing and enjoyable and don't rush it. Trouble is that is exactly what he is doing, but me as a woman is in dire need of communication and contact so it's driving me crazy. But now I don't feel like I can take back what I said so I have to learn to live with it. I WISH I would have told him to at least send me a two line email every couple of days just to say hi and let me know everything is ok...but now it's too late and I'm sitting here going on 6 days of no word and about ready to pull my hair out.

So definitely talk to him, tell him what you need and what you are willing to compromise on, be fair but also make sure your needs are being met in a healthy way too.

- Response by christywinter97, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Overall...you don't GET a man to do anything he doesn't want to do...and even if you DO, it's going to have other consequences down the line.

Here is one of my typical long answers to this question.
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Men NEED to take a break from relationships because we are not psychologically designed for relationships in terms of the constant connection and communication that women crave and demand.

Women think that no communication for 3 days or more is a huge problem, for men it's nothing to not be in touch for weeks or months. When a man goes on vacation, unless you are with him, he wants to leave everything behind because men ENJOY being alone and disconnecting much more than women do.

Women want to connect and stay connected constantly and think that there is something wrong to be apart for a week or more..men do not.

Throw out your old measures, of no use to you are they anymore when it comes to men. Throw out the female rule book and stop applying it to men, it does NOT work and only gets you women in massive amounts of trouble with men because you keep trying to force a man to do things in a girl way. We are NOT girls and we are NOT like you no matter how much you try to make a man be that way.

A man not wanting to contact you has nothing to do with how he feels about you either. That is a HUGE problem and mistake that women make over and over and over again. You keep using everything a man does or does not do as some kind of "hint" or measure of how much he cares or doesn't care, and since most women are so insecure in themselves, you nearly always take everything as a sign that he doesn't care.

Men compartmentalize their love, so whether he loves you or not, we do not think "I'll call her more so she knows I love her, I'll say the right word at just the right time so she knows I love her, I'll send her a little note/gift/email/phone call" whatever, so she knows I love her.. no.

Men are NOT talk/share/feeling/vali dation/support oriented. Men can go for weeks, months or YEARS without talking to a friend and everything is still fine and they're still friends. Men do NOT call each other up to get advice on feelings, share feelings, get reassured that they're loved, help another man sort out his feelings..or anything even CLOSE!!

Men speak with each other to sometimes bounce ideas off of them, just to catch up on the latest news and stuff (facts and info, which does not include emotions) and mainly when a man has already tried for a long time to figure out a problem and HE can't solve it! It's only AFTER a man tries to solve something on his own does he then feel OK with asking for help, but until a man ASKS, he is not OPEN to receiving ANY helps hints or suggestions from anyone.

During trips the man is driving and it's all quiet and since women think that "silence = problems" you ask the man "What are you thinking/feeling".. the MOST annoying question to ask him..especially when he's driving. He then replies with..nothing. You can't be thinking about nothing, she says. Yes..I can, because I'm not, I'm driving. Then she starts in with the "what's wrong" why don't you want to talk to me! I do want to talk with you, when we have something to talk about. Then SHE starts making up accusations that there is a problem, he's cheating or such because she assumes that his silence means that he wants to break up with her.. WTF! That's because of course that when a woman STOPS communicating with another women it most often means they no longer want to be friends, or that there is a serious problem at the very least!

But as I said before, men can go for months or years and not talk to another friend and have nothing be wrong. It doesn't mean they're not friends, but we understand that peoples lives just go in different directions and that's it. To men, a 10-15 min phone call just to "shoot the breeze" is more than enough, but most women want to get on the phone and stay on it for an hour or more and anything less virtually doesn't count. This is why guys will say they'll call and often don't..hint, hint..it means he has nothing to say and doesn't want to sit there and waste hours on the phone just talking about nothing. Even though to you it's sooo important since feelings, talking and getting validation and support are YOUR LIFE.. to men..they're mostly annoying, stupid and unnecessary!

Also, men naturally move forward and back in a relationship. Men do not want to get close and STAY close like most women. He DOES mean it when he says it...but women think that when he says it it MUST mean that he wants to get close and STAY close all the time...men do NOT like to do that and when men DO say those things to women and mean it and pursue a woman fully, how to most women take it....??? as though he's a desperate wuss and they get turned off then leave the man that is truly in love with her!!

Men are like a dial up connection and women like a broadband connection. Men want to dial up, connect for a time, then disconnect completely with no one able to log into him until HE decides to dial up again.

Women love to connect and stay connected all the time or almost all the time and don't mind if someone reaches out to then at any time.. Men are overall not open to this though, so WE like to control the contact.

- Response by richsifu, A Rebel, Male, 36-45, Science / Engineering

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Long distance relationships rarely if ever work. Why are you sacrificing your happiness at such a young age for a guy? Either move to the same city or break up.

- Response by A Hippie Chick, Female, 29-35

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WHaT DO YOU SAY TO YOUR BOYFRIEND<
Goodbye, Goodbye, It was nice knowing YOU BUT GoODBYE D

- Response by duggers, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older

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i recommend you saying GOOD BYE to a loser like that. hun, you deserve so much more. this LOSER is using you, keeping you on the back burner and hans't invested any emotions into you.

a REAL man interested in a girl would WILLINGLY take 20 minutes out of the day to call you. a REAL man would be seeing you MORE than just a few days at christmas.

i know. i'm in a LDR. and she lives 1/3 of the way around the globe. i travel to see her, i email multiple times daily and call once or twice a week. i don't trust him. his motives are clear....he doesn't care.

- Response by pizzatroll, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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@ richsifu .. I feel so sorry for you, you are one extremely bitter guy with a very ignorant idea of woman.

- Response by A Creative, Female, 26-28

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