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He hasn't said "I love you", should this bother me yet?
Sex & Intimacy / 5:25 AM - Saturday August 21, 2010

He hasn't said "I love you", should this bother me yet?

I've been dating a guy for almost 8 months now. This is his first relationship ever, and my 2nd serious one. After repeated failures with relationships, I've decided I want the guy to take the lead, and this includes him saying those three words first. I know stereotypically women say it first because they're more open/in tune with their emotions, and then guys will follow suit when ready...but, is this unreasonable for me to expect?

My boyfriend and I have lately been talking about love in the general sense. He scoffs at his cousin who has been with his girlfriend 2 months and they already say "I love you" to each other frequently. My beau thinks love should be more important than this, that it's the "first step" to true commitment, bringing a couple closer to engagement, marriage, and life together. He says being in love means being able to put the other person before yourself, and you just know it when you know it.

His definition is great, and I really appreciate how much thought he's put into it. But I'm wondering, after the time we've been together, when will he decide he loves me? He's never said it, and it's clear he's not ready to. Is there something I haven't done yet, or something we as a couple haven't done yet to bring him to this next stage? I'm not expecting the whole marriage/lifetime commitment thing, but at some point I'd like to know if this relationship is progressing forward.

I'm wondering, am I letting this get to me too soon? Is 8 months still the beginnings and I should be more patient? Maybe because he's never been in a relationship he doesn't want to jump the gun. Or maybe he's just so selfish he can't put me before himself and therefore be in love with me. Then again, maybe he would be in love at this point if he were with some other girl. I don't want to find myself just waiting around to hear him tell me he loves me. Other than this though, there aren't really problems in our relationship at all, and I like him a lot.

I don't want to say I love you first because of my self-guideline (which maybe I should just throw out the window), and also because I don't want it to just pressure him into saying it before he means it, or having the awkwardness of him not saying anything back. Plus, if he doesn't love me, can I truly be able to love him? Why should I put him in such high stature if he won't do the same for me?

Please help. Any and all advice is much appreciated (even the kind that tells me I need to seriously rethink my life, haha).

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 26-28

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Question: Why are you feeling so desperate that this guy tells you he loves you? You have known each other 8 months.

Its not a case of him being selfish, the words aren't something you feel obliged to have said or to say. In fact you don't decide, your soul decides; Its not like making the decision on which dress to wear.

8 months is no time at all to know a person; the only thing you Can know for sure is that you like him or you wouldn't still be dating him!

I think you have your perceptions about love and how being in love works is a bit more than squiffy and you do have to seriously re-think!

Your sentence, ''Why should I put him in such high stature if he won't do the same for me'', is rather worrying!

'Like', is one thing, to say you're in love is quite another. Being in love is something you have no control over, you cannot make it happen at will. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen - you can't call someone selfish because they don't feel it. Loving someone, is different to being 'in love', we can love more than one person in different ways, we love our families, our friends, we can love people we feel close to but it is very different to being in love. When you are in love with someone, you will feel it and you won't look any further; you will just know! ;)

- Response by heatherjune123, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, London, Who Cares?

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Whatever you do, don't listen to Discotrash. In fact, doing the opposite of what Discotrash advises is sound policy if your objective is a life of prosperity and happiness.

- Response by A Rebel, Male, 46-55

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Community Rating: Community Star

You are lucky to find a man who looks for love and takes his time.He was not fast with women.This actualy can be real good.Let him take his time.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Tampa, Who Cares?

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Whist you are waiting for love from someone, give it to yourself, to love your self is the greatest gift you can give to yourself. ;)

- Response by heatherjune123, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, London, Who Cares?

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What I really think is that our whole culture is emotionally stunted. Why people make such a big deal out of this complex emotion is beyond me. It's the thing men fear most aside from castration. And it's the thing women think they need to hear more than "I have over a million dollars in my savings account honey."
WTF?????? I chalk it up to all the misconceptions that circle around emotions in general plus the misleading interpretations of every religious based researcher in the country.

It's just an emotion...a complex emotion....Love...Roman tic love is just generic love on sexual attraction and sexual activity neurotransmitter high. That is all. I don't understand the oh such hushed hesitations and just say it...this is how I see it....I love who your are..I love being around you...I wanna hump you endlessly....I guess I love you...and I think you should hear it because I could get hit by a bus on the way home and goodness knows we don't want you wondering if I loved you. so I do...don't think it's a contractual agreement of any kind....don't think it's a commitment of forever...but today I have feelings of love for you.
It's a pretty radical way to move through the world...I know. But man is it liberating....."I Love you, now get over it!"

- Response by joybird, A Creative, Female, Who Cares?, Therapist

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chill...give each of you time to get to know each other, before you start getting married.

- Response by amandasboy, A Father Figure, Male, 66 or older, Atlanta, Retired

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"This is his first relationship ever."

THERE is the real issue-- he needs to get out and experience more potential romantic partners. He knows this inuitively, even if he's not able to come right out and say it.

- Response by chesterdad, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 66 or older, San Francisco

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hmmm. watch the movie After.Life to see what REAL LOVE IS!
it is scrambling for each other, slap a child who disses your lover, crazy, screaming, tear-filled Desire and want and CARING.

sadly, some people wait until something BAD happens to one or the other then say I Love You when they feel it overwhelmingly.

I have heard of women also *creating* lonliness for him. Take a 4 day to 1 week Vacation. be GONE. he can't go. limit your phone calls strictly. Make him MISS YOU deeply. that prompts a LOT of men to say I Love You. and later on, to propose. they have to realize how tough living WITHOUT you is, or they naturally take for granted.

- Response by discotrash, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Las Vegas, Other Profession

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