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My husband either gets angry or does nothing if I cry.
Married Life / 2:31 AM - Saturday August 14, 2010

My husband either gets angry or does nothing if I cry.

My husband seems to have no empathy for me if I cry when we are arguing. He either gets mad and slams doors (very rarely) or sits quietly and ignores my sobs (and watches TV or surfs the web)...while I sob my heart out. It breaks my heart.

Update: August 15, 2010.
Thank you to everyone who responded. You are right--he told me today that he feels the tears are manipulative. He also feels that he bears some responsibility for creating this dynamic with me. Now how to get out of it.... We don't get into fights often, and less often these crying episodes, but when we do, it's a problem.

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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Several men have said it...I will tell you it is absolutely true....he thinks your tears are blackmail and in essence it is absolutely true...you move to tears and in effect believe these are cause for a different response from him during an arguement.
Here's the ridiculous folly in that....if two men were having the same arguement neither would cry...if two women were having the arguement and one cried...but the reasons for the arguement were legit the other woman would see it as a sign of A. admission of guilt, B. over emotionality C. Manipulative and behavior referred to as "change back" or "don't confront me" behavior or D. an inability to stick to the conflict and effectively resolve the issue or E. a shame based reaction.
When two women argue the other women isn't going to coddle you either if she is pissed off enough to be in arguement with you.

This isn't about a lack of empathy...this is about your own inability to balance your intellect and emotions in a way that alters response. Many men grow weary of this response in some women. And I say some because an awful lot of us don't fall to pieces and into sobs during arguements...we don't even shed one tear.
By your own post you are revealing that your tears are expected to draw a response from him. You really need to stop that and figure out more effective means of dealing with conflict.

- Response by joybird, A Career Woman, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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I'm not being mean here: So, here goes. . .
Stop the crying! In what you are saying; when you cry, you don't get the reaction from him that you want, need?
Some guys look at a woman's tears as a ploy; like unfair tactics. Do you think that he doesn't know this, and maybe doesn't want to play that game? This could be the case with your husband, but I don't think so, or he wouldn't be getting mad, slamming doors, ignoring you . . . or maybe he's at the end of his rope, because his responses are working on you either.
Let's say he doesn't recognize it outright; he is reacting in defense; to not act in a manner toward you at the moment that he doesn't feel like being. I mean really, look at his behavior in trying to get you to stop & not do that to him.
Most guys rely on Facts. Some gals rely on Emotions. As experience has it, emotions are Not trustworthy. Problems are resolved with the facts.
Sure, as a woman, Things will hurt our feelings, but you have to ask yourself about the facts of the ordeal, and am I being too emotional?
If you make the 1st change, no doubt he'll respond more favorably.
Hug, Kiss & Go get Satisfied!

- Response by elevatorup, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?

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Have you tried approaching your husband about this? That just is not right and he should comfort and realize that arguing can be emotional. I pray that he will notice that all you want is comfort when you cry and that the right thing to do is put whatever your arguing about aside and be comforting. I would just calmly approach him about it.

- Response by chris6709, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 22-25, Student

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So, what exactly is your attraction to this man?

Nothing is going to change. He is who he will be forever. Are you willing to spend your remaining years, feeling like this?

- Response by randyl, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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whats he supposed to do when the water works start?

- Response by j3s5e, A Rebel, Male, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Are you crying with a reason...or just trying to manipulate him..... Because he thinks your trying to manipulate him

- Response by boxer1, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

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Are you ready for it.?
He feels your tears are blackmail. D

- Response by duggers, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older

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It is because he views you as a manipulator. You present tis to us as if *all* you do is cry, but he knows better. He has to put up with all the other behaviors that go along with it.

It's a game to get him to comply.

- Response by buffer, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Los Angeles, Retired

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When you cry he even hates you more. Because he is not married to a crying baby. He married an adult woman and you should behave accordingly. Next time you argue you better walk away before you start crying. That will make him think more.

- Response by fly404high, A Career Woman, Female, 56-65, Frankfurt, Other Profession

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I suppose it all depends on how much you cry. My buddy's wife cries a lot. At first he felt bad whenever she would cry, but it became so normal that he just got annoyed with it. He believes that she cries in order to get her way, or win an argument, or just to make him feel guilty. It pisses him off even more when the water works start. He considers it manipulative.

If a pet or relative dies or whatever, he has no problem comforting her, but in those other situations he just ignores her now.

- Response by A Creative, Male, 29-35

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Only 1% of men tolerate a crying wife.

- Response by int24h, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Alternative Medicine

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You have written just a small paragraph and I am not going to criticise you. You clearly are unhappy, that is something we can only be sure of. These are your feelings and need to be respected, by us and by your husband. It is what you feel that's important here. From what you say I can only think there's no closeness in your relationship and you feel apart from him. Would you be better off on your own? I am guessing that you would be. It sounds to me like your husband may be abusing you; from what you say he is ignoring you and not giving you the attention that a relationship requires to survive.

This is worse than being on your own.

I would think about whether you want to have a life like this. You have counselling as an option, if you can't be fixed, if the marriage is dead or was never alive to begin with, then they will help you to separate.

If you separate you are young enough to re-build your life - why stay in an unhappy marriage, you don't have to, you know. ;)

- Response by heatherjune123, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, London, Who Cares?

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When you are fighting, are u both yelling and screaming at each other,until your so mad that u start crying, or are u crying from frustration because he is yelling and u are trying to talk rationaly, and he is not really listening because he is busy making his next thought to defend himself? Alot of men do not know how to communicate when they fight. Alot do not know how to fight fair. They just always want to be right. If you are with someone that does this, then that is why you are not being consoled and you are being ignored, because he is too concerned about making sure he wins the war.

- Response by A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Ottawa, Self-Employed

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Women cry as a form of control. You can't win the argument or what have you... so you start balling to make us feel bad. What do you want him to do exactly?? Oooohhhh baby... I am soooooooo sorry I was pissed off at you for buying a $700 pair of boots.... it is all better now that salt water is coming out of your eyes. Screw that. Your husband should stick to his guns.

- Response by eequalsmcsquared, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35, Medical / Dental

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I feel its convenient - for him - to make you the problem; to say he takes some responsibility, is not the same. I feel its non-compatible adapted ego states that could well be causing this; i.e that you wouldn't find the same problems if you were with someone else.

Its a long road.. I hope you make it.

- Response by heatherjune123, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, London, Who Cares?

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My husband refused to hug me even after my Dad committed suicide when I was 18 weeks pregnant. He said I should get over it. How the f do you deal with that one? In my world it was perfecrtly normal to cry. In his it wasnt.

- Response by A Creative, Female, 46-55, Birmingham, Self-Employed

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Some people are more emotionally sensitive than others. Crying episodes can occur when we feel those we love dont care or say hurtful words to us, we should not feel crying is manipulative as it is a very real emotion just as anger is. If you are intentionally crying to get a response then yes it's manipulative behavior but simply crying because your feelings are hurt is human. Some men just don't care they shut down to emotion usually because they are not in touch with their own emotions. My husband hates it when I cry and will make remarks like omg I just got off work really or not again, never once thinking that I have been affected by his inability to care or his harsh words. It is a selfish unconcerned behavior from these husbands that make wives feel guilty for their feelings. My dad made me feel guilty for feeling any sad emotion growing up and now my husband treats me the same. My advice to women out there struggling is know you are validated by your feelings and never appologize for them, if its how you feel then its not wrong but the truth. Maybe these uncaring lazy husbands need to get up off the couch and apologize for making their wives feel so bad and then learn to talk about the issues instead of casting our thoughts and feelings off to the side.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Sacramento, Medical / Dental

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You know he won't walk out of the hell of your relationship on his own so don't be shocked when he leaves you for someone else.

- Response by A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Technical

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