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Boyfriend "sexting" another girl?
Sex & Intimacy / 6:15 PM - Sunday August 08, 2010

Boyfriend "sexting" another girl?

Ugh! This is a mess, but I'd love some input.

Boyfriend and I were having problems for a couple of weeks or so. One night last week, little things about his behavior lead me to get curious, and that curiosity got the best of me and I snooped in his phone while he was asleep. He was texting a girl who's name I didn't recognize about our problems, and had sent two pictures of his erection to her. I was shocked, of course. I woke him up, apologized for spying, then told him what I did. He wasn't mad, he just seemed to look really guilty and sorry. He said that for the last couple weeks, he was having doubts about us, and he logged into a chat room as an escape, where he met this woman. He said that he never met her (and truly thought he never would), and what I saw was the worst they did.

I was pretty much disgusted and wanted out of the relationship. He started seriously bawling (which is an extremely rare thing for him to do. I'd never seen him get this upset before), saying that he was incredibly sorry, really regrets ever doing it, and understands why I wouldn't want to see him again. He said that he had doubts about us, but since sitting there right in that instant and realizing the very big chance of never seeing me again was right in front of his face, he didn't have doubts anymore and still wanted to work things out. Those tears made it seem more sincere to me, and I believe that he was telling me the honest truth.

I was really conflicted, though. I saw him as someone I could marry one day, and as a man who would never do something as immature as this. Apparently there's a side to him I didn't know about. And I've taken pride in not putting up with bad behavior from men, and I wondered if I'd kick myself later for forgiving him for what he did, and I wondered why I would let HIM get by with something like this, but have let other men go for a lot less. And when he was sitting there, telling me he'd do ANYTHING to keep me... Believe me, I didn't know what to do.

I really didn't want to torture him days before I made my decision, but I had to. He kept telling me he was scared I was going to walk, gave me his word it only happened that time and won't ever happen again, and the possibility of losing me made him realize how important I was to him. I maintained my space so I wouldn't feel like I was "worn down" by his apologizes, but I eventually came to the conclusion that he must be truthful about this, and despite the rough patches, I really do love him. I also remembered that love is always a risk, sometimes a leap of faith, and this instance is just an example of all of that (I'm aware of how cheesy that sounds).

I decided to tell him that while my trust of him is worn to a nub at this point, it'll take a lot of work to get us strong and I would try. He was really happy I was willing to try.

Since then, he's been pretty forthcoming with sharing his texts with me, and when I asked if he would be open to sharing passwords to email accounts, he said that he would be willing to do that (I don't really want to read his emails; just his word saying he agreed to it was what I needed to hear). I intend to ask to see his phone every once in a while just to "check up" on him, but I think that once we're more solid (and it's apparent he's behaving himself), I might not feel the urge to do that anymore.

I'm sure that some of you think I'm an idiot for taking him back and might tell me so. That's okay; I made the choice to share all of this. I know that I'm really taking a risk here, but I know how much he really wants to try to make it work, and knowing how much he does makes me feel that much better.

I'm just wondering if there's been others who've had a similar or worse experience with a partner and if you two worked it out and are better for it? What things did you do to make good changes for each other? Any advice from those who've dealt with something like this and ended up working things through and being happy again would be appreciated. :)

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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My husband of 5 years (together 10) started to doubt our relationship. He shared his doubts with another woman, instead of with me. He only admitted to his infidelity when he got busted. I got to hear about how it only happened the one time, and how sorry he was, blah, blah, blah. I tried to forgive him, but it ended up being something that is not a forgivable event in my eyes. The marriage ended a year later. After I filed for divorce he decided to inform of the other times he was unfaithful.
We all have to make the decision for ourselves. Some people manage to get past it and repair their relationship. I'm just not one of those people. I hope whatever you decide is what is best for you.

- Response by jess2481, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, Cincinnati, Other Profession

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I find it kind of sad that a lot of people out there need to be reminded of how much their s/o means to them when something like that happens. Like their s/o walking out on them, or when they're confronted about something they did. I also understand to a certain extent that sometimes when things go wrong in a relationship, and you have no one else to turn to or possibly talk to, you go to someone you care about or someone that will listen to you, may that be a woman or a man. His excuse though was lacking, he decided to go on a chat room, talk to women and show them his erection. Um really? If he had doubts about your relationship with him, he should have said something to you. Instead of doing all of that behind your back and waiting basically until you confronted him about it to be sorry. I feel as if you think that things are getting better between the both of you, and that's great to hear. But I'd be cautious even though you're not seeing anything to be cautious about. If he has doubts about your relationship again, he'll probably resort to another woman but might do it in a more sneaky way. I'd say be careful. I know a lot of couples who worked out their infidelities and they're as happy as can be. But some men, and some women, once it's done there's no changing.
I've been in a similar situation as yours, and I gave the guy another chance, I thought he would change. Trust me he didn't.

- Response by mel01234, A Creative, Female, 22-25, Toronto, Medical / Dental

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Community Rating: Community Star

I'm sorry; I'm not seeing any favorable responses here, and you've got one old cliché.
I met a guy once that like to expose his penis to women; whether it's in the car, at the beach, in a reflection of a window, wherever, it's all 'Erection Affection'. He would hide himself in the community as a friendly, sensitive, somewhat shy, helpful, and committed in a relationship type guy. It was all a real turn on for him. Like a game of excitement (hide & seek). The story of this guy ended very badly after being prosecuted for sexual acts that escalated to violence & sexual intensity. He hung himself while in jail.
I'm sorry; I didn't have a successful story for you, and I've never heard of one either.
Please be careful regarding the emotional states of this guy!

- Response by elevatorup, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?

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I think a second chance is ok if you both want to work things out. But I like to use this saying whenever possible,"Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me"

- Response by mtnluv29, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Self-Employed

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Honestly, my finance and I had a problem just like yours, except she was the one sending him the XXX pictures! It was horrible when I found out, I was crushed! Our relationship was perfect something someone could only dream about, one day I asked to use his phone because my was broken, I went to text a friend and tried to save the number instead I saved the message into the saved messages folder (It was a BlackBerry)I went into the folder and all of these texts and pictures popped up from a woman in which WE WORKER WITH! Someone who would was nice to me and we talked everyday! Little did I know she was a slut trying to get at MY man! When I saw it I almost couldnt believe what I read! No way I thought in my head, HE wouldnt do that to me!! (Just like you did) But it happened...I confronted him and at first he didnt know what to say, he then told me that SHE was texting HIM and this all happened when we first starting dating, which doesnt matter how long we were together, HE WAS TAKEN, and she knew that!! And he shouldnt have responded so it is just as much his fault!! I honestly had a hard time getting over it, I have been F'd over and lied to many times by men, the best advice to give you is if in your heart you really see it working between you too, make it work! Try your best to have him gain his trust back! You will see after awhile if his apologizes were sincere or not! Keep your head up!! (I was not a girl to be pushed around by men either) Try doing things that could build that bond with the two of you! And I am sorry but I am not one that shares passwords to any of my accounts nopt even to him because even though I am not doing anything, we both need to have trust in eachother that nothing is going on!! Its hard but like I said if its worth it, make it work!! Good Luck, Sorry its so long!!

- Response by kleinm88, A Hippie Chick, Female, 26-28, Who Cares?

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In my case, my fiance was the one who was pursued, he did not go looking for it. However, he still gave in to temptation and began receiving and sending sexually provocative pictures or e-mails. I was devastated. We've been together for five years and he had been an incredible boyfriend in every way. My best friend, someone I saw as the father of my unborn children some day!!
In my case, the female who he was sexting with wanted to take things further and wanted to actually meet up in person. This is when my fiance ended things with her before things escalated to getting physical. I found evidence of a picture he forgot to erase on his laptop and this is how I found out two months after it had ended.
In a way, I'm relieved it never got physical but in another way, I don't know what to do with what he did do.
I know he is truly sincere about being sorry and about the details of what happened but I just can't seem to make sense of what happened.
He has been doing many things to work at earning trust back but I just don't know if I can ever get over it.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Los Angeles, Teaching

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