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Active Questions

Relationships take work
Dating / 2:04 PM - Sunday August 01, 2010

relationships take work

DO you feel all relationships take work or they should just come naturally?

I find EVERYTHING in life, takes work and effort, no matter how much you love the person or task.

I'm dating a girl who thinks relationships SHOULD require NO work, and that they should just come naturally. If that's the case, wouldn't all marriages have dissolved by now?


- Asked by ddiii, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35

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ALL relations take work. because our NORMAL state is that of being self-centered, we have to overcome that to make a relationship work.

and like you said, EVERYTHING in life takes work. work is work, having fun takes work planning the fun, picnics take work planning and setting up and cleaning up afterwards, etc.

life is about WORK. and its also knowing when to stop and have fun. relationship, though fun, need effort on ALL our parts to make them enjoyable to everyone.

- Response by pizzatroll, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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Sounds like a very irreconcilable difference between you two. Of course you're right, but it doesn't matter since she isn't mature enough to understand why, and is therefore unable to work with you in this relationship.
Your only alternative is to dump her gracefully and never look back. Unless, of course, you want to do all the effort by yourself to end up being the dumped one.

- Response by A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Seattle, Technical

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They do take care and nurturing .. that is a good kind of "work". No relationship is going to survive for very long without each partner working on keeping things exciting and interesting.

It's not a "task" so much as a labor of love!

People are always growing and changing and both partners need to adjust and change to make it work. That's just the facts. If you aren't prepared to nurture it, it's not going to last.

It's all worth it. Nothing is better than a successful long term relationship with someone! If you're in it for the long haul, be prepared to roll with it and make it work .. otherwise, it will wither and die!! (sorry about all the cliche's!)

One reason lots of marriages do fail .. no one is prepared for the commitment and devotion it will take to keep it alive.

- Response by mrscleaver16, A Married Girl, Female, 66 or older

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is she blonde because thats a blonde answer

- Response by sexyhottie, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Who Cares?

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I think you and your girlfriend are talking at cross-purposes here; The love for someone is the easy bit, sustaining and keeping your love alive is not exactly work, but it does take patience, tolerance of the little things that may bug you like a dripping tap (!) and understanding.

People, when they've been married a while, sometimes don't make the same effort any more like they used to, marriage has to be kept alive, with passion! Not so easy when you are washing their socks, so to speak and having to deal with what life can sometimes throw at you! ;)

- Response by heatherjune123, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, London, Who Cares?

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Absolutely, relationships take work, in fact more work then most other things.

- Response by shanegalang, A Rebel, Male, 46-55, Transportation

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I think anything worthwhile in life takes work.

Now granted, I think that a strained relationship takes more work than a strong relationship. However, we're naturally inclined to look out for our own interests so the maintenance of a relationship where we need to be aware of and attentive to the needs of our partner does take work.

- Response by redheadcw, A Jock, Male, 26-28, Medical / Dental

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I agree that everything in life takes work and effort... but really I think we need to define the work you mean... there are some things and some people that make things much harder than they need to be and if the type of person that takes this to the extreme meets the type of person that is just not comfortable with that extreme approach then it may be better not to be together...
so it is important to factor that in I think...

- Response by timeforanoverhaul, A Father Figure, Male, 36-45, Managerial

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Relationships are a lot like gardens. You have to plant what you want to grow, and tend it so it flourishes. There are times when you can pay less attention to it, and it will still thrive, but not for very long.

- Response by buffalothighs88, A Hippie Chick, Female, 56-65, Other Profession

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You're actually asking two questions here: how it is and how it should be.

DO all relationships take work? Yes.

SHOULD they just come naturally? Yes.

Relationships should come naturally, and in reality, they do take work.

However, "work" and "what comes naturally" aren't necessarily different. Work is in our nature. People will often argue that marriage (which, of course, is right in the deep end of relationships) is unnatural because it requires work and adaptation. So does hunting, so does gathering, so does raising children, so does building a home, so does protecting yourself, so does protecting others. Are these all unnatural? Of course not. Work is a very natural thing to do. Hard labour and relationships are in our nature. If either one of these is not happening, we are living unnatural, abnormal lives (which means that most "civilised" people are actually abnormal).

Work is natural and good. Depending on the line of work, it can actually be very enjoyable, and so it is with relationships. They're work, but we delight in growing our relationships, which is a natural desire.

- Response by ryanthegreatarj, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 26-28, Student

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its both. the initial CHEMISTRY can never be created. but to sustain it takes communication, self sacrifice and hard work. its much easier to fall in love than to stay in love. its because lasting love is a decision. its got little to do with feelings. i went through a period with alan where i didnt feel i loved him. but i obeyed God and made a conscientious decision to love him and the feelings did follow.

however this must be a mutual decision because no matter how much effort you may put into a relationship and you do all the right things, youre not ever going to MAKE someone love you

- Response by u2joshuadesireu, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental

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- Response by duggers, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older

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Well for most of us...relatioship take work on both sides.... That is why it is called a partnership.... Folks who like it easy breezy Covergirl with no effort on their part toshore up their end of the relationship are often shallow or takers or both and expect all the picnic baskets to come their waaaaaaaay... Watch out Yogi*

- Response by lady4u, A Married Girl, Female, 56-65, Cincinnati, Who Cares?

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The 'love' may not need work, but other factors DO no matter what type of relationship you are in.

I.E. No two people are always going to think alike on the same issue. You need to 'work' to understand each other. You also need to 'work' to formulate a solution or compromise.

I think she is confusing the word 'work' with the concept of love. Some times you CAN love someone effortlessly - but you have to maintain the RELATION factor of that love. =-)

- Response by cutypy5840, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Medical / Dental

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anything worthwhile takes some effort and work.
this girl needs to grow up a bit more. hope she comes to her senses.

- Response by amandasboy, A Father Figure, Male, 66 or older, Atlanta, Retired

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It doesn't require work for person B if person A does two times the work. I think that's what she is getting at. That it shouldn't be work for her.

- Response by jjcabin, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Washington, DC, Technical

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Are you kidding me?! Relationships DO take a LOT of work! Sometimes its good work and sometimes it's shitty work but work nonetheless. Not say it's not worth it (because it so is)!

- Response by mlcoast2, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 22-25

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I wish it was that 'easy' to have a relationship and you are definitely right in saying that EVERYTHING takes work because that's just how things work in the world...if one waits around doing 'nothing' and expects to get something from just waiting, that person would be waiting forever because NOTHING happens unless someone is willing to put in an effort...maybe she thinks that if she doesn't put any efforts into her relationships and they don't work out, she can't be at fault because she did 'nothing', even though nothing is exactly what a person gets when/if they aren't willing to put in an effort to get what they want...:)

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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you know the reason why many marriages barely survive nowadays, couples dont make the effort anymore to make things work out, they dont communicate, they dont date, they get too comfortable and lazy in the relatinship and figure hell, we're married, either they put up or shut up, its my way or the highway, thats the wrong way to go about things, they're too many people falling into "temptation" too many people are afraid to grow up together, instead, they remain immature, they dont know what they really want in life. many people married because the gf was pregnant, thats like the biggest mistake anyone could ever do. so, i say, marriage, like everything else in life, takes a little bit of work, but you gotta know to have fun with it as well. communicate, love, respect each other.

- Response by proudlatina, A Hip Hop Girl, Female, 36-45, Los Angeles, Administrative

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Actually, I think your gf means that you shouldn't THINK of your relationship as "work." When you start to think of your relationship as a source of struggle rather than a source of pleasure, it's time to reexamine why you're in that relationship--and if she meant this, she'd be right.

If you are making it an EFFORT to be with you, you are not being a a good relationship partner. Why should she feel she has to make an effort to be with someone when there are so many people in the world?

Love is something that we all want and most of us are willing to do much for people that we love. But doing things for our loved ones shouldn't FEEL like work; it should feel like a pleasure. The minute we start thinking of it as "work" the good part is already gone.

I'm engaged and I don't think my marriage will dissolve because I feel great when I'm with my lover--it's great to be with him, to do things for him, to do things with him. In fact, everything I do seems easier and more fun when I do it with him or in his presence. None of it is work, even though an outsider might think that it could be considered work; I don't see it that way though, I see it as pleasure. And I think I have a great relationship with my man.

I hope your girl goes on to have as good a relationship as I do. :)

- Response by electragold21, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, New York, Teaching

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I think if they feel like work right at the beginning, then that is a problem. There is usually a honeymoon period. But beyond that, yes...they are a lot of work.

- Response by tomtomcat, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, New York, Teaching

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Marriage is a property state and since many people have realized this and women are no longer totally dependent on that state many marriages ARE dissolving. To some degree relationships that are not functioning well require just too much daylight.

- Response by joybird, A Creative, Female, Who Cares?, Therapist

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it would be nice if a relationship worked on it's own..but that's not the case,it takes plenty of effort and hardwork on both sides..

- Response by le_gem735713, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Miami, Who Cares?

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