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My 17 year old daughter is pregnant and I need advice.
Family & Parenting / 12:02 AM - Monday July 19, 2010

My 17 year old daughter is pregnant and I need advice.

I just want to kick her and her boyfriend out on their a$$es! I warned her that if this would happen she would be forced to be an adult and need to find a place of her own. Neither of them have high school diplomas or jobs! I was hoping she would have an abortion but she will have nothing to do with that. I do not have the patience for her to be going through this or the money, no insurance, I do not have a job right now. I have tried to explain the damage she is doing to her future and she does not seem to care. How the hell do I get through to her? I asked her to go to the clinic to speak to someone about her options. No mom I already made up my mind. Then make up that mind as an adult and find a place to live because you are not staying here. Am I wrong?

Update: July 19, 2010.
I was being a good person by letting him stay here. His mother is a drug addict and disowned him when he was 10, his father also drugs and disowned him when he married a woman who didn't like him at 14. So, I was attempting to help them. There was birth control but it only works if you take it! They argue constantly and as I was reading all these lovely responses they got in a fight in the other room where he must have put his hands on her because she said, get your hands off me. Knowing that tone, I just kicked him out into the night because I am her mother and do care about her. But I did warn her, she will most likely go live with her father and maybe he can deal with them better. She has been distructive and unruley for years now, this is the last straw of disrespecting me and taking my trying to help for granted.

- Asked by A Life of the Party, Female, 46-55, Tampa, Technical

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Yes you are wrong, what ever happened is the past, now you are dealing with a young pregnant mother, almost all states have emergency medicaid and food stamp program for young pregnant mothers, so you don't have to spend a dime on her but any woman needs her mother during pregnancy and after. you wil regret your decision later.

- Response by spring151, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Community Rating: Community Star

So far, so good.
Now try to make it stick.

- Response by chesterdad, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 66 or older, San Francisco

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You're right mom...they wanna act like they are independent adults than let them take on the full responsibilities associated with being adults...and that means they get out where they can't make this YOUR responsibility. The problem is that she isn't 18. You need to make a few phone calls to find out the legalities of doing this.

- Response by joybird, A Creative, Female, Who Cares?, Therapist

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nope she is old enough to breed she is also old enough to make her own way in life

- Response by bigcurt, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Pittsburgh, Self-Employed

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First I never would have had the boyfriend over.I would make them both get a job.If she wants help tell her if she is old enough to have a kid she is old enough to wipe her own butt.This is your grandchild.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Tampa, Who Cares?

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No you are not wrong. There is nothing that says Mothers must support their children AND THEIR CHILDREN!

You told her up front your feelings on this issue. She disrespected them. Now, before she gets into the physical state that she CANNOT leave, get her out! And, it sounds like HE is there with her. That is plain crazy!

Perhaps if she realizes she does not have a free ride at your house, she will then begin to seriously deal with HER problem.

I would have none of it. I told my daughter early on that I was not the babysitting type of grandma. If she had a baby, it would be HERS!

- Response by randyl, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Technical

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What kind of a mother are you? If you brought her up right she would not be pregnant at 17. Now take the responsibility for your failure and help her raise her child.

- Response by jj1969, A Career Man, Male, 46-55

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And the worst part is they will split and then u will have to be chasing him for child support which he also will not have :(

- Response by bigcurt, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Pittsburgh, Self-Employed

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First thing you need to do is tell her you love her, that the reason you are going to make her get a job and support herself is proof of that fact. Life is not a fairytale and it is not a free ride. I recommend you be there for her emotionally, and I recommend you talk to his parents about the situation. Sitting your daughter and her boyfriend down in a civilized manner with has parents present and asking them what their plans are since they are keeping the baby, and in taking responsibility for their actions. Let her know that you expect her to still get her highschool diploma in decent time. There are programs out there for teen mothers. But you need to make her struggle a little bit inorder for her to understand how hard it is. then if you decide that you can not watch her mess up more of her life, then I would help her, at least she would understand and be grateful for your help. Regarding helping her, let her know that now on taxes they are both your dependants and can not claim herself. I know its hard, and it will get harder, but we are all here on answerology if you need more advice. I hope things work out for the best.

- Response by Authenticity, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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So...the boyfriend lives with you guys? What the hell did you expect to happen, they'd fall asleep holding hands every night?

What's done is done. The boyfriend needs to go, he's not your child and you shouldn't have let him stay in the first place. If you want to kick your daughter out, you wouldn't be wrong for that because you DID explain what would happen if she got pregnant.

However, the fact that she has no job and no education means she's in for a very long, hard road if you kick her out on the street at 17 and it means a really shitty, deprived childhood for your grandchild (are you remembering that this baby she's carrying is your grandchild??)

Like I said, the boyfriend needs to go. But your daughter needs her mother more than ever right now. Nothing will ever be easy for her ever again, but it'll be a hell of a lot harder if you kick her out and do nothing for her. She's still your daughter, you know.

I was 19 when I got pregnant and my stepmother tried to force me out of the house. My dad threatened to leave her if she ever tried anything like that again. I don't have a job right now, but I'm a full time college student about to start my second year in the fall and I'm doing exceptionally well, maintaining a 3.4 GPA. If it weren't for my parents' help, I would be working a shitty job living in public housing with nothing and my daughter would be suffering. Instead, thanks to their support and generosity, I am able to take excellent care of her and do well in school. This time next year, I will be able to move out on my own and live in a NICE place where I don't have to worry about getting shot or mugged.

Then again, you've already screwed up a lot with your reaction. She's going to keep her baby and nothing you do or say will change her mind. All you're doing is fostering serious resentment and if you kick her out when she needs you the most, you may never see her or your grandchild again. Can you live with that?

- Response by lizarella, An Alternative Girl, Female, 26-28

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When 'kids' start having sex, this is the undesired results of that act, I for one am not going to encourage ,she have an 'abortion'...Please LORD come before this world get anymore violent...bp

- Response by billpayer, A Career Man, Male, 29-35, Who Cares?

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She's your kid, so... it'll be your grandchild... Such is Life!

- Response by fehkarfight, A Couch Potato, Male, 56-65, Who Cares?

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Why in the hell did you have a 17 year old boy who wasn't a relative living in your home with your teenage daughter. A boy who married another woman at 14. Really you helped create this situation You knew what was going on and you continued to let him stay there. What the hell were you thinking????

Yes it is time for her to grow up. she is going to have to do so now. I just hope like hell she has a good dad that will be there for her. And I hope in upcoming years you don't regret your decision today.

- Response by bellabyrdie, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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No, you are not wrong. Why was this guy in your house, are you as much as fault as they are? Tell them, either put the kid up for adoption, or figure out where they are going to live cuz it won't be w you!

- Response by A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Medical / Dental

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She needs your guidance. I was 15 when I was pregnant of my daughter. My mom was pissed and kicked me out of the house. I'm now 28. I understood she was mad. She took me back in, but still made me responsible. I am now finishing my doctorate in dentistry, which means I beat the odds of some pregnant teen not finishing highschool. i was able to do all this on my own and that is because my mom was a poor single mother as well. Don't listen to other's negativity about getting her to finish high school. Help her. My mom gave me some guidance, she had no money to give me, but gave me future advice. Now I'm finishing my last year to become a dentist, plus now I can pay for my kid's college. How's that for being the statistics. =)

I'm VERY responsible.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Houston, Medical / Dental

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You made the wrong choice letting him live with you and your daughter. The better choice would have been to help him but not take him in your home. You have to accept responsibility for this choice. You can't toss a pregnant 17 year old teen out on the street. It is time to be a mother and help her through this and it is your grandchild. Encourage them both to find jobs and continue their schooling as they should prepare to eventually go on their own. I can't believe parents just dump their children when it doesn't suit them. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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When I was in high school I had a similar boyfriend situation.

My boyfriend's family abandoned him and he moved in with us.

My parents had very strict household rules after this move.

1. NO sleeping together (as in eyes closed, snoring in same room/bed). We didn't have an extra room so he had to sleep on the floor of my brother's room... :(

2. No spending the night out on the same nights. ie I wanted to sleep over at Julie's friday night he had to be home by midnight.

There were more but I think you get the point.

So as I don't think letting him move in was a bad decision I have no idea what rules you enforced during his stay to judge whether or not you should take any blame.

(ps I never got pregnant. and my bf and i NEVER had sex in my house out of fear he would be booted immediately if we were to get caught.)

I think you should make him get a job. Make her stay in school and finish and get a diploma. if he is still in school as well then she should also get a job.

So if they both stay in school until they graduate and both hold a job then you should continue to let them live with you.

I would also enforce new rules... better late than never and you don't want a baby #2 shortly after #1, and they need to learn some respect for authority.

DONT LET THEM SLEEP IN THE SAME FREAKING BED. THEY ARE CHILDREN! geez. if you dont have room, he can take the couch or whatever.

set boundaries. The second they are not followed I would kick him or both of them out.

- Response by A Life of the Party, Female, 26-28

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your just as much to blame as either of them..... actually more so because your the adult here............What did you think they were doing when you made it so easy for them???? Now you dont approve??? You better get it togather...its your turn to grow up....for EVERYONES SAKE!!!

- Response by boxer1, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

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I just want to give my opinion because I have been through this. I was a teen mother and I remember how depressed I felt because I didn't want to give my baby up and I was afraid of what people would think of me, especially my mother. I had no job and no money but I had a mother who supported me. If she didn't support my decision to keep my child, I don't think I would have ever forgave her. Her support helped me get through the hard times and learn from my mistakes. Let her make her own mistakes because chances are she will see what mistakes she made and learn from them without you having to tell her. It will only make it harder on her and the child if you are constantly reminding her of what a failure she is because of all her poor decisions. I am currently a grad student, studying clinical psychology. I made it this far because I had a family who I knew supported me when times were hard. They didn't have money to give me, I survived off of medicaid and worked while I went to school. They also have child care assistance for single parents working and going to school. She has plenty of options. All she needs now is guidance. It will all work out in the long run, I believe. I just hope the child doesn't suffer. If you pressure her for an abortion then she might be doing something that she will regret in the future. Try to look at it as a blessing. As for the boyfriend, she doesn't need him anyway; she will eventually find out on her own what's best for her. I wouldn't take it as disrespect because I'm sure she didn't have sex and get pregnant just to piss you off. Kids don't think logically all the time, so they tend to make wrong choices. It happens to many many households. Please make your child and the grand child feel loved. No one wants to come into this world and not have the love he/she deserves. I'm not saying you wont or don't love them but show it to them more and she will probably come around.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 26-28

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No, you're not wrong. You are absolutely correct.

If your daughter is going to engage in a piece of adult stupidity (gestating a pregnancy that she cannot support herself), she should have adult consequences for it.

There are no resources in your community to help your daughter take care of a child she can't afford except welfare. The local churches will give you a couple of bags of groceries and their best wishes.

And guess what? The criteria used by the welfare to evaluate who "deserves" help is sharper now than it ever was thanks to the anti-choice Republicans who believe in making abortion illegal and cutting welfare so that we can have starving children on the street just like in India. So, if YOU are supporting yourself, if YOU own a house, if you even have a steady job and your daughter is LIVING WITH YOU, she WILL NOT be eligible for welfare benefits more likely than not. YOU will be stuck with raising ANOTHER child because your CURRENT child, who should be an adult finally and out of your hair, wants to be stupid.

No, you are absolutely correct--you shouldn't have to suffer for someone else's stupid decision to breed, regardless of whether or not you are related to that person. Parents should only take so much punishment from their kids. I'd put my foot down if I were you--the minute she has it, she needs her own apartment and she needs to pay the rent on that apartment on her own. Stick to it and let her know you're going to stick to it.

- Response by electragold21, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, New York, Teaching

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Do you really want to throw your daughter and grand baby out into the street?

- Response by seductivepisces9, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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My grandchild is the love my my life.....Pride can't giggle, control can't giver you kisses....Take care of your grandchild, you will be happy.

- Response by foreal, A Creative, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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You have every right to be upset. If she is old enough to be on birth control, and have sex knowing the consequences, then she needs to start taking responsibility along with the Father. On the other hand, she is young, and right now she could really use her Mothers advice without being judged. Yes, she did make a mistake, and needs to take responsibility, but she also doesn't need her own Mother to be on her case about it all the time.

I hope it works out, best of luck!

- Response by elizabethmom05, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Tampa, Retail

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Also, be very careful with your choice. Find out exactly what she wants. IF she has the burning desire to have it, and you know for a fact, she won't change her mind, then help her. 10 or 15 years down the road, she might not forgive you if you don't help her.

I now know that my mom needs to be taken care of in a few years. She is 57 and is getting older. I plan on buying her a house and new car when I graduate because of all the help and guidance she gave me during those times. She is my mother I love her to death. I'm glad she was there for me. That just proved she was willing to stick by my side.

Be careful with the choices you make when you kick out your daughter, she may end up on the street using drugs instead, because she is depressed.

I know if my mom didn't give me advice and some help back then, I'd leave her ass in the streets when she is old, or just leave her in a nursing home and never visit her if she left me out on the streets as a pregnant teen.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Houston, Medical / Dental

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Nope, you are not wrong. But you need to stick to your guns. If she wants to have this child, she MUST figure out a way starting TODAY to take care of herself and it. Give her nothing, and start now. If she gets sufficently down and out, perhapse she will make the right decision and abort. If she can continue to leech off of mommy.... why wouldn't she want to have it? She doesn't take responsibility for herself now. I am positive she thinks you will take responsibility for her child as well.

- Response by eequalsmcsquared, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35, Medical / Dental

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never take in you childs bf/gf theres way too much temptation and freedom there if you do.its too big of a risk i would have helped him to the nearest shelter.whats done is done i say you and her father sit down and talk to her about the serious of the situation and tell her she needs to get her act together fast because in 9 months it wont be about HER anymore.

- Response by unbreakablesilence, A Married Girl, Female, 29-35, Student

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first love them unconditionally.
secondly, you did the wrong thing to let him stay in your house.
where in the world was his parents?
i am against birth control..only sure kind of birth control is absentance.
get him out of the house and somewhere else with relatives.
no you are not wrong. they want to play adult let them act like adults.

- Response by amandasboy, A Father Figure, Male, 66 or older, Atlanta, Retired

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I guess you don't need another lecture, but the answers provided here are right on the dime.

You let them slept together and now you wonder how did she came pregnant?

She was yelling at you "HELP" and you disregard it. It looks like you forgot your youth. Just for the record you weren't a good person or parent, you are naive.

Now after you have provoked this situation, you want to kick her out. What kind of parent lend to their sons a charged weapon and then go out screaming why did you kill someone.

Fact is that without your support they will end up abusing drugs because it's what the boy knows and because it will provide them a false escape to reality. I tell you, there must be an adult in here, a responsible adult I mean. You can not ask a kid to behave like an adult just because they had sex. And for the record I am against of kids having kids.

If abortion is legal in your state, talk to counselor he probably have more experience than anyone. I do not agree with abortions either but it would be the less damaging situation for everyone including the kid (your grandson).

Talk about adoption, this way no one kills no one and there are 100's of loving, caring, people who will be cutting an arm for having a baby. Give them a chance.

Finally by all means stick to your kid, she only does what she had learned, pay attention to your surroundings and don't let strangers into your house, yes he had a bad situation, help him anyway you can but don't let them find the opportunity to do something stupid, because chances are that they will do it, and they will do it not because they are mean, they will do it because they are kids.

Best of luck

- Response by tartenon, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Self-Employed

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I think in 9mo you are going to eat crow-

Pink or Blue????

- Response by movi, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Administrative

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I understand your utter frustration. Giving your daughter ultimatums like that really only alienated her more. Is there any way you can talk some sense into her? Advise her to have the baby but give it up for adoption? Let her know there will be no college education for her with an infant to take care of? Teens have babies when they have nothing else in their lives; a baby gives them something of their very own, and a mission in life - to care for the baby. Perhaps living with her father is the best thing here.

- Response by betterbird, A Creative, Male, 46-55, San Francisco, Administrative

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oh..yes..deserting her when she needs you the most will help her greatly..

- Response by michellekia, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, St.Louis, Financial / Banking

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alls i gotta say is im pretty sure this was gonna happen when u said u let him move in about a month ago!!!! but u replied to me that she was on bc. so there ya go!

- Response by nicky711, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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