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I feel like my relationship isn't going to go anywhere.
Dating / 7:17 PM - Thursday July 08, 2010

I feel like my relationship isn't going to go anywhere.

I'm in love with a wonderful guy and we haven't been dating that long, but I already feel this relationship isn't going to go anywhere.
I love him, I really do but he's already let me know a couple of things about himself that I don't think I can live with:
1. He doesn't believe in marriage.
2. He doesn't want children.
3. He doesn't believe in my God.

I want to make this work more than anything but I don't think I can live with this. Should I tell this to him and hope for a change?
Has anyone else been in a relationship like this before? How did it turn out?

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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Younger men can change, but setting out on a lifetime together with that being your motive sure puts you in line for a difficult life. After 25 years together, my husband and I are just coming to a truce about the "God" part.
He didn't like kids, but wanted to have one (he's a great dad, and a good step-dad to my kids) and he didn't believe in marriage until I almost married someone else. I think I set myself up for a harder marriage than most, but it is still going!
If I could choose for you, I'd choose to have you move on & find someone who would be easier... but then, I don't know what else he has to offer.
The "what else" sure tied me to my sweetie!

- Response by monana, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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Community Rating: Community Star

Those 3 things you listed are called.....wait for it....

Deal Breakers.

Pure and simple.

Time to go.

You can't make diamonds out of pig slop kid.

If this is who he is then THIS is who he IS.

And are you so insecure, so unsure of your own worth, that you would settle for NOTHING when you could potentially have it ALL?

You are scared to leave him because "what if?"

And if you haven't been "dating that long?" and you think you're "in love" already? and with a man you know you shouldn't be with?

Either 1 of 2 things is happening here:



2. Your self esteem is so low as to be non-existant and since he WANTS you.....

- Response by hnygrl, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Managerial

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Nope, you need to pull your fishin' pole out of this pond and go find a pond that has the kind of fish you are looking for.

- Response by siouxzen, A Career Woman, Female, Who Cares?, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

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I think something like that should be a red flag that this guy is not the right one for you.

I would talk to him about it first -- but don't think you'll change him. It's much healthier and happier to find someone that you "love" just as they are.

Relationships are challenging enough when both people have common goals and beliefs. When you don't even start out on the same page ... there's not a lot of hope for long term happiness.

Good Luck.

- Response by mrscleaver16, A Married Girl, Female, 66 or older

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If you listen, people will tell you who they are. He's telling you. You can't change him. If you have different life goals, you are setting yourself up for heartache.

- Response by annandfam, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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Take it from an experienced woman...These are not issues you can hope for him to change. Find someone that already shares the same beliefs that you do. Don't waste your time trying to make this work or on changing his mind. It won't happen.

- Response by destinyseeker, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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Well, I can honestly say I understand why he doesn't believe in marriage. Modern marriage bears no resemblance to the marriage of old or traditional marriage. Modern marriage is more of a license to steal or just for legalities and no longer what the institution of marriage was supposed to be. Same too with children, these days they are used more as weapons and as methods to keep be able to pick out of a man's pocket when the inevitable divorce comes. As someone told me recently, marriage the way it is today is just a license to divorce. Sadly, I can understand his point. Now his beliefs are something that's also going to give you a great deal of grief and problem, "EsPECIALLY" if "YOUR" God isn't in the "traditional" venue. That one item in itself will most often be the biggest deal breaker and hardest thing to overcome. As to the others items you will have a long uphill battle trying to prove to him that you aren't like the mainstream when it comes to marriage and children. The reason for that is obvious, he is seeing what so many modern marriages and pending divorces are like and he see's how the custody issues and support trend is. being a man I can't say i have been in the that type of a relationship per se asides from recently but then I am also now 55 years old so of course I am not going to be anxious to get remarried of have to deal with children or related issues. You can try to discuss it with him but to be honest, don't expect him to change his views overnight. That will be hard to do as he has or can find ample evidence to support his rationale and his feelings. As to the God issue...... that'll be a toughy especially if your "God" is not one considered traditional. If it's just a matter of different followings in the same faith that would make it easier to a degree. But even there that can cause considerable problem if that following is quite different than his own. Be easier on you if he didn't believe in a God at all. But, truth be told, there is no such thing as an actual outright atheist. Myself, I would just cut the situation loose as it's often not worth the fight.

- Response by canajun, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Vancouver, Self-Employed

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Just imagine the next 40 or sO YEARS WHEN THE NOVELTY OF MARRIAGE HAS GONE This man is not a keeper for you,,D

- Response by duggers, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older

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So he has been straight with you but you have put up a false front for however long you have been dating in the hopes that once you got your hooks into him you could make him become someone totally different.

He was a wonderful and sincere guy and this situation happened because you were not honest. Remember that when you break up with him.

- Response by A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Technical

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Hi there
the religious point is a serious point - maybe he says all these things since he knows that with different religions you cannot really get married. I would say try to get over him. It might take some time - I sense you are really in love but as you said it is not possible - you know it yourself.
hang in there!

- Response by oldandwiseatlast, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Tel Aviv

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There is no hope in it. You both don't have the same goals and if you try to change him or stay? You'll both regret it in the years to come when the 'in love' has cleared from your eyes and you just 'love' each other. Then? You'll question what made you stay. Like 2 people who are 'in love', both AS genotype and decide to get married and then when some years down a potential sickle cell child dies? Blame themselves for agreeing to stay together.

- Response by katman9x, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Medical / Dental

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follow your should find someone who believes in marriage,wants kids,and believes in God..

- Response by le_gem735713, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Miami, Who Cares?

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never date someone with the goal of 'changing' him. Women make that mistake all the time. And they end up divorced and bitter.

- Response by lmarks, A Life of the Party, Male, 29-35, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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Sweetheart, please move on. You are young, you have plenty of time to find a nice guy who has the same values as you.

- Response by starandmoonlight, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Science / Engineering

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it sounds like one of those "shake hands and part as friends" situations. he will NOT change. you will not change. therefore, you cannot have a successful long term relationship.

I've been in a similar situation in the past. it was a very polite breakup :P

- Response by js800, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Chicago, Student

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Well it seems like these 3 issues are going to be a deal breaker for you.

Personally I dont care about the religion things. Its a small part and to me, you shouldn't ask someone to change what they believe in. If you really love him then I say, you should be able to look past it.

Marriage, has been such a cliche in my eyes as well. Im sorry to say. Their is not a lot of people right now that do believe in getting married. I believe most of it comes from the fact that they have watched friends, and family, and most likely their parents fall apart and get divorced. Its a scary thing for a lot of people. You have to understand that some are happy being together 15 years and never getting married.

If you feel so strongly that you want (need?) to get married then you have to talk to him about it and try and get to the bottom of WHY he doesn't believe in marriage.

Children. Yes this seems to be a deal breaker for a lot of people actually. I myself am not planning on ever having children. Yes they are a gift, but some people know that they could not be a parent. Maybe he's one of those guys afraid of failing as a father. The thought of a baby can be SO scary... He could budge in time but most people who say no kids, mean it.

You have to decide if you two can sit down and talk these issues out and come to a compromise that your happy with. If you dont think you can look past them, or you two cant work them out then Part ways. He will only be holding you back from finding the guy who does want to get married and have kids and is your same religion.

Time to decide. But it sounds like its time to move on. Good Luck.

- Response by kauaigirl808, A Player, Female, 22-25

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