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Advice on dealing with passive aggressive men
Dating / 8:44 PM - Tuesday July 06, 2010

Advice on dealing with passive aggressive men

Yesterday I did all the shopping, paid for all the food, and had to do the grilling myself. My s/o did put the grill together. He KNOWS it drives me nuts when dirty dishes are left out. So last night I did all the dishes except the one that still had a cheeseburger on it that he was saving for later. Before I went to bed I asked him to wash of his plate so the food doesn't get hard and put it in the dishwasher. He said in a minute.

I went to bed. I woke up and saw the plate was still out and dirty with now hardened food. I put his keys right next to it so he would HAVE to notice it. He KNOWS this drives me f-ing bonkers. My life is so out of control I just want to have all the dirty dishes put in the dishwasher and my other thing is to make sure the trash gets taken out if full or smelly. He LEFT the plate. I just got home from work and he LEFT the dity plate. And he didn't make my bed. And he ignored my calls all day.

While I realize this is all pretty petty in the grander scheme of life I feel extremely disrespected and uncared for and I feel he is being passive aggressive and not caring about my feelings. While this is petty the underlying issues are pretty damn serious if one wants to have a happy relationship.

Advice please.

Update: July 06, 2010.
I asked him DIRECTLY to wash the dish to which he replied "in a minute" How is THAT passive aggressive?????? How much more direct could I have been. Could I have been more direct this morning when I said "I can't believe you never washed the dish- you can do this when you get up then" I am very direct. He is purposely being passive aggressive and disrespecting me on purpose because he is a slob and doesn't care if he lives in a pig pen.

- Asked by Female, 36-45

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Yes this is passive/aggressive, and yes you need to talk about it, but my guess is that he has a lifetime of behaving this way and he isn't going to change for you or anyone else. Sorry. I had one just like this in my life.

- Response by siouxzen, A Career Woman, Female, Who Cares?, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

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I disagree.

If he never picked up after himself, that would be an issue. He left a plate out so what? You have unfair demands. If YOU need the dishes put away before you go to bed, then YOU should do it. You are on the edge of becoming OCD. You should nip it in the bud now.

- Response by myndseye711, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35

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Community Rating: Community Star

Get his dad to kick his arse,D

- Response by duggers, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older

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Normally I might agree with those who said you should "deal with it". But it sounds as if you WERE trying to deal with it. After all, you did the shopping and made dinner, then washed all of the dishes except the one you asked him to take care of ... because HE WANTED to take care of it.

He didn't take care of it. Well, that's bad enough, because he said he would do something and didn't. But we all do that sometimes, so I'd give him a pass for the one oversight.

However ... knowing that it upsets you to leave food and dirty dishes out, and seeing his keys next to the plate he had said he would take care of, and STILL doing nothing ... this is beyond simple passive-aggressive; this is total disrespect.

If I were you, before I had a long talk with him I'd have a serious look inside myself: why stay with someone who not only breaks promises (I realize this is no life-or-death solemn promise, which is why it's so disrespectful that he ignored the issue), but then deliberately rubs your nose in what he did, or failed to do. (I realize that you also tried to rub his nose in it, too, which is passive-aggressive on your part, you know.)

Does he do this type of thing often? (It's the question to ask yourself; I'm not looking for the answer myself.)

- Response by regnadkcin, A Father Figure, Male, 56-65, Boston, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I know how you are feeling. He said he would do it, when he realized he made a mistake he should have owned up to it by putting the damn dish in the dishwasher. If the two of you can't communicate with words about a few basic things, how will the relationship work? How does any relationship work if you can't count on the other person to mean what they say. Ask him if he thinks just because he doesn't mean what he says does that make him think you don't mean what you say. Because, you mean what you say!!!

- Response by maryea, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Retired

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Passive Aggressive? Nay, not him, YOU !!

If you want something done, you need to speak up or do it yourself. If you don't make a direct request for something, expect nothing, since that is what you asked for.

Men (or women) are NOT mind-readers. You may *think* he knows something, but you could be wrong until you TELL him that something.

Everything else is just selfish drama.

END the pity-party. Either ask him directly to do it, or do it yourself. You have no right to complain about your own failures to take action to improve your own situation.

Really, how much MORE effort was it for you to put his keys next to the dirty plate that you walked past 2x already?? Just to make a point??!! Total bullsh-t.

You're his s/o, not his mother. You don't get to "teach" him anything, you only get to enjoy the training (or lack thereof) he got from his mother. If you don't like it, the only person or thing you can change is YOU - either find a new s/o, or STFU and accept this one AS IS.

- Response by A Career Man, Male, 36-45

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Yeah, you got ISSUES chickie, "out of control" is far too mild.

Get OVER yourself and pick up the ONE F--KING PLATE, instead of turning it into a major issue. This much anger over ONE dirty dish, or even a plate full of dirty dishes is just a little over the top.

You BOTH need help - you because you're a f--king PSYCHO-BTCH FROM HELL, and him to recover from living with a hyper- critical disapproving btch.

Are you TRYING to kill your relationship, or are you just (hopefully) pms-ing worse than usual?!

- Response by tooluser, A Career Man, Male, 36-45

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